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I left my abuser (detail removed by moderator) but was stalked and endured criminal damage , men friends were threatened and he went out of his way to try to destroy me. He has a history of abusing every woman he’s with. Now he has a new girlfriend and is obviously pretending to be a great guy . But what I get so frustrated by is the amount of support a perpetrator gets from the public. He is known as a perpetrator in the area , yet so many women and men encourage and support this man including a police officer friend of the family ! And other victims of abuse!
I feel like I’ve had to hide away and this person can do whatever he wants to women and just carry on as normal with a support network behind him.
I get that people get manipulated (detail removed by moderator) I feel silenced because people.wont talk about domestic abuse they call it ” drama” and cut the convo off.
Anyone else feel baffled by this and frustrated ?
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I am exactly the same! Women I knew feel sorry for my ex and seem to support him – he created new accounts online and they all follow him. Exactly like you say, it’s drama and how could I leave him………. yet I know if I mingled with them, they would be only interested in the gossip. Their friendship is fickle but he is out mingling and in photo’s – really p!sses me off! More so because I go out of my way to make sure our paths don’t cross which would impact the restraining order. It’s almost like he hangs around to antagonise me but I just have to remind myself how peaceful my life is!
Yours sounds so similar to mine though, people will believe him even though he pleaded guilty but he won’t be telling people the truth, he will be manipulating them. Having put up with it for years, him acting the same with his previous wife – but people aren’t interested in the truth and standing by it, or even women supporting other women – mind boggles and we are in 2024!
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I am finding in 2024 things have got worse. There is a lot of victim blaming on social media platforms and mens groups that are blaming women with women supporters.
Yes I remind myself of the peace. (detail removed by Moderator). He also went to prison multiple times and this was made public knowledge too so i am baffled as to why anyone would get involved with him. However I watched ” she said” on Netflix which really shows the issues within society with abuse and males getting away with it. A lot of abused women shut down or are silenced. It opened my eyes to how society sides with abusers wither that be financial economic gain or just because people don’t want to be associated with it so just associate with these people. I dont know .
Frustrating isn’t it. I feel it doesn’t give much hope for victims. We are told to trust people but I feel abuse and also being betrayed by ” professional people” such as police who are friends with abusers, opened my eyes to actually how many people you cannot trust . I feel it gave me a completely different yet More correct version of what is really happening within society. And now my eyes are open to this and signs it’s difficult to navigate in a world that accepts and even enables abuse. It’s a very confusing time for me . I feel once you recognise abuse you can see it almost everywhere within society. I have a feeling this is why some victims choose to just submit and accept hence why we see them being friends with these types of people because it’s better than being isolated and alone.
Mad times and very confusing at the moment. I dont know about you but it makes me feel like all that stress he put me through was just forgotten and he gets a clean slate. After leaving a barrage of destruction that everyone else has had to clean up .
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Wow that is shocking! The fact that the truth about him has been published and yet people still interact! But you are right, we live in a society whereby people want to be popular and be seen to have lots of friends as they are more scared of being alone. My aim has always been to be able to hold my head high and know my own truth and be able to lay my head on my pillow at night with no regrets.
I have added She Said to my watch list, thanks for that.
I totally agree with how it opens your eyes to what is really happening around you. When I was doing the Freedom Programme, they said there is a very high % of abusers are work in the forces which is quite worrying. I also look at others marriages that they have been together for years and just hearing the odd remarks made by the husbands (I know women can be abusers too) but in these cases it is definitely the men, and it makes me wonder about the control that goes on behind closed doors. They have a tendency to let slip and show their true colours when drinking alcohol. I even watch my daughters relationship and any sign of a red flag and I start to panic, but luckily she is 100% aware of the warnings and has open conversations and she knows to cut anyone lose before anything can get too serious.
Will things ever change, I’m not sure. xx
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I’m now being avoided since I declared I was a domestic absue survivor haha
Yes you are right I made the right choice and the thought of that man ever trying to walk into my life makes me think no way.
Yeh it was pubkic knowledge and had been for years. (detail removed by Moderator). Just cannot fathom why on earth people want that in their life and then victims get shunned.
I hope they do because this society seems backwards lol
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Yeh that’s bad. I dont know how anyone could do that to someone. That must of been really hard to deal with. I’d feel so hurt by that and it would have affected my recovery.
In a way I suppose we all can see who to avoid and who are not real friends. On the other hand there are so many of them lol
I’ve come on here because the reality of my support network is shocking . I know as soon as they have an issue or need someone to meet up with they’ll contact me and I won’t be there now I’ve seen how they respond to a friend who reaches out about something so important ….with silence. And although I get why people may avoid the subject , I think communication would help not silence lol
And I forgot to respond earlier to the earlier reply. I also have seen a lot of marriages where people are staying together so they arnt alone and keeping bad secrets. Which makes me think is there such thing as a happy life with partner.
How did you all navigate through all this going on around you ? Like how did you trust anyone again ?
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Tbh, I don’t as I no longer socialise. I have one friend and the others I had don’t invite me anymore. In a way, I don’t feel sad about it as I do see myself as quite a strong individual and sometimes wonder if that frightens people lol! Also because my ex had issues with alcohol, I don’t drink. So my social group was around drinking and no one likes a non drinker around when socialising lol!
I am keeping an eye on things like volunteering, walking groups etc and when I feel ready, I will venture out to try and meet new people but my senses are so heightened, it may prevent me from being able to let my guard down.
Such a shame that we have to start over and not them. And after being through so much, it’s far more difficult for us to trust whereas they just breeze through life with their manipulation and fickle friends! Xx
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Your situation sounds really similar to mine. He also had an alcohol issue. He used to get frustrated because I wouldn’t want to constantly drink . Every activity he wanted to do revolved around alcohol or he would sneak alcohol in a bag to an event that didnt involve it. And what’s worse is people use alcohol as an excuse for their behaviour. Hence why it took me so long in the beginning to leave. Id question my thoughts because people would say it’s the alcohol or he wouldn’t be that way sober. This was years ago but my turning point for leaving was when he started saying things sober. That’s when I knew the alcohol was just something he could either use as an excuse or just exaggerated his original thoughts. Either way he was never going to stop drinking and he would have just become the same if he was sober.
I saw him few months ago coming out of a shop with a bag full of beers and I just thought ” what the hell did I see in that person ” . I think he made me feel so c**p about myself I saw myself as below him and unworthy of him. All insecurities within himself.
But I also noticed that his friends are all similar people.
Yes I want to volunteer again. I’ve signed up for intense CBT sessions. Waiting list is 36 weeks but the ball is rolling. I want to go back into work but I need to have a thicker shell and that takes time.
Yes I am annoyed that they can continue to work and live as if nothing happened and we have to start all over. I feel there isn’t enough in place to help victims with this. It’s made me very wary of builders and workman in my home and males because perps are everywhere continuing their lives as normal and working.
I definitely understand being heightened.
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I completely understand what you are saying. My ex was the same. Great man in the community, he would do anything for anyone (all for show) and the amount of people I had telling me “he’s such a great man!” PLEASE. If only they knew.
i too used to hide away. I’d go shopping super early to avoid people seeing me, I wouldn’t even go to my children’s activities after school as no parent would speak to me. This did bother me so much!
I got stronger each day and thankfully now I have the attitude that I don’t care what people think. I have nothing to prove. I don’t need people on my side. The people who love me know and that’s ok by me. I keep my circle small now.
They need people on their side.
Typical n********t! My ex told his current partner that I abused and cheated on him!
I laughed when she told me.The mask will slip. Believe me it will.
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Yes from this post I’m now seeing that they do anything in their power to create a huge circle of friends. I realised after a few weeks that they need to look good to others so will go above and beyond to do this.
It made me also see how his family also put on this false show. And although they succeed because they know how to manipulate others with false behaviour, that this doesn’t matter. I have my family and I realised that the majority of these friends were just like them. What a stressful life behind closed doors they have when they all are like this.
I started to feel grateful I had peace and didn’t have to keep up with the charade they have to. Or the false perception to others.
I think the reason why it affected me so much was because the living crisis and inflation has impacted us so much that we have had to sacrifice social things due to expense. So I felt so alone because due to my responsibilities i do not have the option to be socialising out and about as they can. And with christmas amd energy bills rising in October again it has been so hard.
I am unsure about everyone else but I also have been hit by huge waves of exhaustion after it all ended as if my brain is healing itself from years of stalking. So even if I had the money I do not have the energy. Probably the weather too
Yeh I know he’s done the same to his new partner told her lies. A clares law application would show her otherwise as he has a record with everyone he’s been with but I don’t think she would do that she worships him.
I think in time it will all get better . The more peace and normality the more my brain will adjust to not being in this mode and it will improve. I’m.ok most of the time but suddenly I get a wave of a few days of really low mood and I get annoyed, down and my mind goes over what had happened and how I’m now digging out of it. Like my kife is on pause mode while I clear the mess. Mostly financial due to criminal damage that courts give 10 quid a month back so it doesn’t affect his finances… but your right it will improve
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I hope I am not tempting fate here lol, but I actually in a really good place at the moment. Just to say, I have pretty much lead a very lonely life now for over a year. I see a counsellor weekly and he makes it all make sense. By withdrawing ourselves from everything, we are protecting ourselves. We know our boundaries, we see things for what they are and it takes time to do that and feel that we actually haven’t lost out, we are just wise to the falseness and manipulation that people will use to be popular.
I decided that I was going to use this Christmas to reach out and meet up with people again. Quite accidently last week, I ended up bumping into 2 lots of people from my old life and because I was in a good place and didn’t have time to dither, it went well and I felt seen for the first time in a long time. Even though I had no make up on and was in my walking gear, I was really upbeat and I think that stunned them slightly. I don’t want to talk about my ex and I am hoping I can go out and he isn’t the elephant in the room anymore. I don’t know what people’s real thoughts on me are, but I feel I know who I can trust and who I can’t, I also know who I would want to share with and who I wouldn’t and that is my advantage now.
The financial side is really hard, the time it will take to pay off the debt I walked away with has now doubled just so I can manage week by week, but I see it as being the cost of my freedom. I have spent almost (number removed by Moderator) years watching every penny but we get through it. Luckily I have a really good debt management company who are putting my mental health before my debt and they deal with the creditors so that is a weight off my mind, I pay one payment a month and they divide it out for me.
I know at any given moment something could happen which will bring me down again, but like my counsellor said – being a good place when these things happen is ok as I will be better at dealing with it. (timeframe removed by Moderator) is an anniversary so I am weary that something could happen, he has already broken the restraining order once but I am prepared and ready. Christ, I really do have a hatred for him now!
It all takes time, but we are stronger than we think. We become so wise, we are the bigger people and sadly we will have to sit back and watch other women fall for their charm and sometimes I think even if they did do Clare’s Law, would they actually take it on board as my ex was doing a course for something he did to his ex when I met him but I fell for his lies. We need to put ourselves first and hopefully in time regain a life that is full of laughter and real people.
Sending lots of love, let’s get through Christmas with some happiness and no drama! xx
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Yeah, its unfair. Seems like there’s no justice in society for victims. Maybe its because the victims are usually women, and women are still second class. My abuser got away with what he did to me. No being held to account for him, except what he did to himself through his unhealthy lifestyle, bad temper and inherited genes. He always threatened he would destroy me. I wonder if he knew how close he came. It was a long-term psychological struggle to hold onto my sanity. I’m still here, but I have to acknowledge, my life is in tatters after the way I had to live because of him.
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