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Hello, just wanted to ask has anyone had this experience of when ever they bring up a issue or something that’s upset them it’s always “oh your acting the victim” I find this is the go to response for everything I have to say or if I’m expressing a negative emotion towards my husbands actions. I feel he does this just to get away with whatever he’s done along with talking over me dominating the conversation and saying that I’m just a feminist that’s why I don’t want a man telling me what to do. Which is not true it’s just the extent of micro management and nit picking and complaints I have to deal with on sometimes an hourly basis that wears me down and really frustrates me. Just want to see if anyone can relate and deals with seems to be OCD and anxiety mixed with abuse on all levels. Just feels very confusing sometimes.
thanks for any help
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Hello Zebra,
Thank you for sharing this. The narrative you have described in your post of your husband accusing you of ‘playing the victim’ when you attempt to express your needs or feelings sounds like emotionally manipulative and gaslighting behaviour.
Assigning ‘negative’ traits or characteristics to the act of voicing your concerns and emotions is a way to obstruct you from doing so, it is a very oppressive and controlling tactic.
This is sadly an example of the way that abusers gradually blur our perception of ‘normality’, leading us to loose sight of our boundaries and sense of autonomy. If someone is making accusations and repeatedly telling us that it is problematic to express our opinion, may mean that over time we do so less and less. This gives the abuser power and control within the relationship and eventually leaves us voiceless.
There is nothing wrong with not wanting a man to tell you what to do, there is nothing wrong with not wanting someone to control you full stop. Abusers will sometimes blame ‘feminism’ for their female partner standing up for themselves, which in itself evidences that their behaviour is coming from a place of misogyny.
I’m wondering if the Freedom Programme might be a useful resource for you, to begin to unpick the dynamics of what you’re going through: https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa -
Thank you so much for the response. I can see now why I have had quite bad mental health in the past. Because of the gaslighting I hadn’t even thought of this as gaslighting.
for most of last year every month or every 2 months I’d have a complete breakdown screaming and shouting at my partner because I couldn’t take it anymore. The last one was in (timeframe removed by moderator) where I lost it so much I was just shouting “why is nothing good enough why why why why” I kept repeating myself and was jumping up and down like a crazy person had clearly lost control. But it makes sense that I’m being gaslit, belittled, manipulated and constantly criticised and micromanaged. Along with walking on eggshells because of his reactive behaviour in his own words I trigger him…. It’s all starting to make sense. It’s not just that he wants a clean house it’s that he uses that an excuse to pressure and over burden me.
I cannot believe I haven’t seen this sooner. I am getting the help I need and have an appointment with a support worker soon. So im hoping this will help I’m going to look into the freedom program.
thank you so much again
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