- This topic has 7 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by Firsttimedivorcee.
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3rd January 2025 at 7:07 am #173128Lightwunderkind20Participant
I have recently left a controlling long term relationship. We have a child together.
I always struggled to believe that he was being controlling on purpose but in the end decided it didn’t matter because the consequences were the same.
Since extracting myself from the situation I have started to think that maybe it was done on purpose. But I go back and forth between. I told him I felt like I was being controlled but did tell him that I didn’t think he’d been doing it on purpose.
He has been super nice since I left (mostly). He swings between saying he’ll change and knows he was wrong to making statements such as “turns out I’m just not good enough for you.” “How can you walk away from us so easily” etc.
He still tries to be physically affectionate when we see eachother. I respond to this because I don’t know what else to do, not because I want to.
He keeps asking for a chance but I feel like I have given him a hundred chances.
He texts me everyday, he tells me how miserable his life is without me, it makes me feel so guilty.
I’ve moved into rented accommodation because I knew he wouldn’t leave the house and didn’t stay away half the week like I’d asked and like I did. I can’t believe he thinks I’d go through all this effort just to go back!
I really thought that leaving would be the hardest part, but it just feels endless. It feels like he is never going to give up.
I wish I could be clearer in my mind about whether he is abusive or not. Because his current behaviour could be a continuation of the manipulation but it could just be the behaviour of someone who is hurting, couldn’t it?
He asked if I felt I had to make it sound worse to make it easier to leave him- which just really made me feel that he doesn’t get it at all.
I’ve been trying to make him understand, but maybe I just need to accept that he’ll never understand and he will come to blame me for the breakdown of our relationship and I just need to make peace with that??
Just reaching out to see if anyone has had a similar experience.
I doubt myself daily but know how much happier me and my older children from a previous relationship are since we have left.
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3rd January 2025 at 10:31 am #173146FirsttimedivorceeParticipant
Aw my love, I’m going through exactly the same. It’s because they tell you you’re their everything. You feel guilt that you’ve made them lonely. But look at it from this perspective. If he genuinely thought he was wrong and willing to change, why would you leave the house. Surely if he has an ounce of care, he would’ve said, you’ve been through enough because of me, don’t lose your home.
I am going through something very similar. My oh had a diary of his hate towards me and I struggle to accept it. I read his words in 2 ways. But I have left, and he remains in the house alone. He says he doesn’t believe he’s at fault but he I’ll take the blame. He says he doesn’t want any to break the family and wants to give space yet me and the kids are staying away. You need to ask yourself. What is his say-do ratio? What is he going to change? It is all well and good to say come back and I’ll change but what does that look like. Because if he can say I will change x y and z. He understands what’s wrong and he maybe can change because he takes accountability. But if he says ermmmmm, there’s no considerations being made.
Feel free to pm me when you have doubts, I will likely be in the same boat hun x
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3rd January 2025 at 9:00 pm #173159bov94Participant
Sorry to hear this your experience too firsttimedivorcee. I think your advice about the say-do ratio is very insightful – although not aimed at me I will take it on board!
It’s definitely a slow and gradual journey. I’m sitting here tonight feeling guilty that I haven’t bought him a present for a ‘big’ upcoming birthday and I hate that my mind works that way! Already anticipating guilt tripping for it too. -
3rd January 2025 at 10:32 pm #173167FirsttimedivorceeParticipant
I was made to feel awful about not acknowledging a birthday but it was okay for him to forget Mother’s Day or birthday. It’s a birthday, you would never hesitate celebrating if things were good. Unfortunately, you have to look objectively, you wouldn’t celebrate a strangers birthday, and therefore you don’t need to celebrate your partners, he’s is now a stranger.
the guilt is normal. All day I’ve been riddled with it even though my ex has been nasty all week. It takes one or two nice comments and I start thinking I’ve exaggerated. You have to stay strong here. You left for a reason. Think to the moment you left and remember that’s what you return to (and maybe unfortunately even worse)x
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3rd January 2025 at 8:55 pm #173158bov94Participant
Lightwunderkind, I can feel your pain and anguish reading this, sorry you are having to go through it. Unfortunately I can strongly relate to everything you have said.
You have done amazingly well to leave. Be proud of yourself for it. I was unable to find the same strength and we are only separated now because I was ‘forced’ into it when we lost our home and the extent of financial abuse became clear.
It sounds like I might have left a little longer ago than you, and it’s still confusing, but I am finding myself seeing things a little more clearly day by day. I initially got all the love bombing mixed with guilt tripping (how could I tear the family apart, I owe it to the kids to work on the marriage, how much he was suffering etc) and once he realised I wasn’t backing down on divorce, he’s just been really ‘well behaved’ aka compliant. In turn this started to make me wonder if I was ‘exaggerating’ the abuse (I’m not) but as time has passed I can see how everything he does, and has ever done is for his gain. Something small will happen to remind me of it, and I make sure to think of these things when I feel confused or am wavering.
Would he be supportive if you reached out to him for something? How much of his behaviour is self pitying/self preserving? I personally believe that the majority of abusers will never fully accept that their behaviour is such, and moving forwards with that realisation is my plan – but easier said than done!
My inbox is always open if you want to chat. I wish you luck.
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3rd January 2025 at 11:13 pm #173168FirsttimedivorceeParticipant
Bov94 whilst it brings me happiness to see you’re getting stronger day by day, it’s still sad that anyone has had to go through what you have. I was the same in that it was offensive at first. Very much, you’ve exaggerated, you’re breaking the family, you you you. Then came the love bomb. The control was off the scale. He bought flowers and had them delivered to where I was but they were bought from a joint account and no message left with the flowers. Then when I didn’t acknowledge, he messaged to say he accidentally paid for some stuff off the joint and had transferred the money back. The level of planning shows me there’s no change in behaviours.
i wake and find it takes one or two nice messages from him to make me wonder am I doing the right thing. But my stance is clear, the time to talk has passed. Going back with so much happened cannot be water under the bridge. We need to move on and be better parents to our kids
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4th January 2025 at 7:05 am #173177Lightwunderkind20Participant
Thank you for your messages. It’s so strange because I know deep down that I did the right thing, but he keeps saying things that make me doubt myself- but really, that’s how’s it has always been!
It’s hard because he never directly told me I couldn’t do something- it would be his reaction that would make me change my behaviour.
When I was pregnant with our child, I couldn’t talk about my previous pregnancies without him reacting badly. To the extent that I didn’t give the details of my older children’s births to the midwives. When the same thing happened at the birth of our child, and I blurted out that it had happened both times before, they said that It would have been good information to have.
Just thinking about all of it, I know his behaviour wasn’t right- but it’s like I constantly have to remind myself. But it’s not even about me- I’m happier, I’m more relaxed, my new home is my haven- it’s just because he keeps saying things and telling me how awful his life is going to be.
My youngest has learnt that she’s not to say anything nice to me without saying it to him also- he would always go on about how she loved me but not him etc.. but since I’ve left, he tells her how sad he is and she is acting like she hates me.
She cries for him at night when she is with me- but would never have done that before.
It’s just hard. I really appreciate you responding to my message and I’m so sorry you are experiencing all of this too.
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4th January 2025 at 4:43 pm #173189FirsttimedivorceeParticipant
Unfortunately this sounds like abuse. They blur the boundaries and as you said, he wouldn’t tell you what to say or do, but you knew. The guilt that you’re his everything again is very common. You don’t stop him from socialising and having friends. My ex did the same thing but would constantly ignore his friends when they called. That’s not on you and you can’t fix that. The fact he is trying to change your daughter’s behaviour towards you further shows his manipulation. I’d be inclined to just ignore it. My ex kept telling my eldest to bring mummy home, and how he loves me. I didn’t acknowledge anything and eventually he stopped. I know it’s tough. My prayers are with you
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