Abuse or insecurities?

Hey everyone, I’ve been on here a while due to past domestic abuse but I’m back again and looking for some advice. I’m in a relationship that’s been really confusing and hurtful lately, and I don’t know what to do. I think a lot of his issues are down to insecurities but that does not excuse his behaviour towards me. I have done a clares law which I am waiting for currently. The problem I’m having is that when things are good they are really good. I really thought I had found someone who finally accepts me for who I am but I’m now realising that isn’t the case which is heartbreaking really. Our relationship started as an amazing friendship online, we finally met in person and that continued however we realised we had feelings for each other and love blossomed from that. We took things slow but things started to change when we became official. I’ll try to explain but I do apologise I am AuDHD so I tend to over explain.

It feels like I can’t do anything right or that I’m not doing enough. If I can’t meet his expectations for  totally valid reasons to me, he makes all sorts of negative assumptions about me, questions my intentions, and makes me feel guilty. One minute he’s telling me how amazing I am, how safe he feels with me, and the next minute he’s saying the exact opposite. It’s like a constant rollercoaster of emotions. The most recent thing which has happened is he has (detail removed by moderator) the first lot were about dismissive avoidants and not feeling loved. He unliked these after we had a big conversation (I hadn’t told him I saw them) and the last week he has been liking one’s about micro cheating (He has previously accused me of having feelings for others which I explain below). I just find this very odd especially when we had had a big chat about our relationship and everything seemed to be ok.

He says he wants me to communicate my needs, but when I do, I just feel unheard and like he makes assumptions and takes it personally. For example, if I need some space, he gets defensive, makes more assumptions, and then I end up feeling guilty for even needing space. An example of this is when I was having trouble with my ex husband who I share children with and ended up reporting to the police, I was emotionally drained and said that I needed the night to myself. He then listed all the things he had done for me that day and that he had wasted his time, how he had taken his time out of work to reply to me (He had already said that he was ahead for work so it didn’t matter as I had apologised earlier that day for taking his time). He knew how distressed I was and I was communicating this but he still continued criticising me. I understand it’s hard when someone needs space but I would always accept it and hope they are ok. I wouldn’t dare put more on that person.

We’ve tried talking about it, but I just end up feeling stupid, invalidated and unheard. He spoke down to me, twisted my words, and made me doubt myself and almost made it all about himself and how it made him feel. Sometimes he even denies saying things that he literally just said or that are in our messages. That day he had said something that I had done to upset him and briefly mentioned his family. But when I spoke to him later that evening face to face he kept saying that I take things too personally and that it wasn’t about me it was his family. I questioned this as it felt it was mostly about me considering it was about 5 long paragraphs about me and then one tiny thing about his family he hardly spoke to me so that was left unresolved. He also said before he spoke about it that he didn’t feel safe as he doesn’t want to upset the person so doesn’t want to say so to me after weeks of criticism about my behaviours I felt like the whole situation was aimed at me. I was trying to understand from his point of view but was also trying to communicate how it had left me feeling.

He says he feels safe with talking to me one minute, and then the next minute he’s saying he doesn’t. He’s always spoken about how his exes would never let him express his feelings. I’ve allowed him to but it felt like it was a weekly thing and that I was constantly being criticised, I wasn’t even being given a chance to process and change things or I would change things but then it would be something else. It just felt never ending and was really starting to get to me

He also brings up his ex a lot, and how she was a n********t. Then he’ll say I’m doing the same things she did, which makes me feel like he’s comparing me to her and assuming the worst about me. But when I speak to him about this he always minimizes it and says that he’s not saying I’m like his ex, the situation reminds him of his ex. Which to me is the same thing. There have been a few times especially more recently where I have been questioning if he is telling the full truth especially when he is behaving the way he is with me.

It feels like I’m constantly being tested, and I’m always failing. He actually admitted to doing this. Almost like he’s testing my loyalty to him. He has spoken about how everyone leaves him when he starts to get feelings for them.

We went out one evening with my family member and her partner and he said I was acting different around them. (detail removed by moderator) He kept getting in my face saying f**k you and that I didn’t care. This was because I had asked him to go home instead of back to mine because he kept being rude to me before. I then received loads of messages accusing me of not caring and that he was with people who actually wanted to be around him and who care etc. I was then accused of something happening between me and my family member’s partner. This has caused me to kind of isolate myself away from them because of his reaction and also because I am embarrassed of his behaviour.

Another example is I went to visit family for (occasion removed by Moderator) and also for (occasion removed by Moderator) as it was a special day. He had been out with his friends. He had told me previously he hasn’t had drugs for a long time but that night (detail removed by moderator) He was messaging me that evening and saying that I was being short with him and my replies were not adequate enough. He was being very short when I was asking questions and not putting any kisses at the end. He then said that I wasn’t replying to him quick enough despite being online so I must be talking to other people. The only time I had been online was when I was replying to him. There had been times where a family member had spoken to me so I put my phone down so I didn’t appear rude but always replied and was asking questions about his night etc. This ended again in that I don’t care about him etc.

There is a whole lot more but I appreciate this is quite long already and gives the general idea of the situation. Have I really walked into another abusive relationship or is it his insecurities. Either way after writing all this down I know there is abuse but is it intentional. Is there something I am missing? I have always been open and honest about my priorities and stuff and how I am trying to change things or offering solutions which can help me etc as I am fully aware of how Autism and ADHD affects me.