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I hope today has been good to you, I hope that things turn out well for you, sending supportive hugs xx
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Hi Bridget
I hope you had an ok day whatever the outcome. I remember you saying that the children didn’t seem that sympathetic towards you and blame you for creating discord.
I don’t know if the children said anything to social services to appear that they didn’t want to live with you instead of him.
I know mother’s instincts are to protect the children. But what can you do if the children say they don’t have any problems with him and all their problems are with you.
I don’t know what else to say. Just try to remain strong and try to get advice from other women and the women’s services. Obviously the situation can’t continue. I suppose when you went to the refuge you felt stronger and you felt you had to come back to protect the children. Children do voice their opinions but their opinions are based on limited life experience and short term goals.
Good luck
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I have not received any news today. I only had my son telling me he felt sick again. I rang the school to make sure he had arrived and was ok. I had a lady who seemed to treat me as a really bad mother. At least that is the impression I had. And they hear my accent and think…whatever they want to think.
My son doesn’t want to go to school on public transport any more because of feeling sick so he prefers for me to drive him till the end of school. I will do that.
He is ok though when he comes back home, he eats small portions but not with the appetite I expect him to have at his age. I hope this summer (if I get a chance to have one with the family), I will be able to make him regain his normal self.
I have the solicitor tomorrow and I don’t even know what to say to her. Yet I made the appointment. I feel lost, I will sound lost, I will sound stupid again. I go there, to her office, ever so rarely, and I come out feeling why on earth did I go. That’s because I can’t face the divorce. I make the whole lot linger on and on.
And now this thing with SS because my son tells silly things. Even his sisters blame him and wanted to have a serious word with him. I reckon he wants attention, because what he reports is wrong, or SS analyse it wrong. May I say that I have been accused of smothering him, following him everywhere, not letting him breathe etc…Really? The dad puts no rules in place, lets him play on a pc all day long despite his medical condition, tells him nothing re his education and homework/revisions, imposes no chores, no cleaning routine etc and I am seen as smothering????? Oh but when he is feeling sick at school and looks like death, who do they call to come and fetch him back? Who makes sure he is looked after, fed and watered, checked, and that he gets a positive mum around who cheers him up and talks about all sorts with him???? Who takes time off work for doctor’s appointments and blood tests etc????? Who makes sure his personal hygiene is kept up with in a nice way, just words of reinforcement and then I go, I don’t check much, I just encourage and make him feel responsible for himself…I smother???
They wanted me, on the phone in an abrupt conversation out of the blue, to admit that my son had changed since I had come back from the refuge! I kept being asked the same question in a really nasty domineering way, I answered no, no and no. I said they were trying to put words into my mouth! And no one had the decency to come and talk to me directly to talk about parenting techniques, if ever they needed to be adapted…how about explaining what they may think the problem is…first! I know my son!
It made me feel so bad, this horrific phone call. And then I had a meeting at school where it was decided for me to go, seen as my husband didn’t want to go himself. So why not pick on me, the one who is self-employed and has barely any money and I can just take under 2 hours to find somewhere to go…why not?
I managed to but I had to ask my friends to help. I can’t stay there any more. I saw my friend beat her cat (I never expected that!) and I felt so terrible when I witnessed that. I thought about going into a hotel but how much is all this going to cost me? I was asked to go to my family…they live abroad and they should have already known that, they know me at school because…(can’t say). They know my circumstances, I have no one other than friends. Do you easily find people who can house you in 2 hours? they kept saying they were expecting me to be gone off the premises (what a word!) by the evening…What?????
So I am expected to stop working, move from my home, leave my other children and go! Maybe I should go to a church and get a duvet and sleep rough…and maybe I will!
My son is reported as saying he (detail removed by Moderator). So they want me gone. They see me as the problem but since I came back I have asked my husband to speak to me away from the house and his voice goes up and he gets annoyed and he responds so negatively. He even rang 999. Silly man!!!!! I had to finish his phone call to the police, he just left…!
It’s all nonsense. And my son needs his mum. He had such a nice time this weekend with me…He is so profound, so in love with nature, he is so observant of tiny things around him like birds perched on a tree as he waits for his bus, tiny creatures on garden walls, the light in the sky, the air blowing on his face, he describes things so well and with such perfect words, he is a born orator. Not a word like ”you know” or ”like” or ”sort of”, it all flows so beautifully…
I always encouraged talking at the table, voicing opinions, discussing deep subjects, analysing, and also having fun, telling stories, reading, everything!
And they want me gone! You know what, at the child protection meetings, I invent concrete walls in front of these ugly nasty people and I stay silent. I watch them and think ”do you abuse alcohol at night?”, or I look at their teeth and their hair and think how ugly they are…abuse is everywhere, I was never given a chance to explain what I lived for decades yet they judge me. Oh and my biggest sin as Ayanna would vouch, is that I am a foreigner…
Well judging by my English, can these people tell me they know MY culture, MY sense of humour and MY language, therefore who I am?????? Even my children’s cultural inheritance is spat on by them as if it had no importance, yet it was all used against me by my husband who tried to turn all my kids against me…
And they want me out…
No news is good news…till maybe tomorrow. But tomorrow I will see my solicitor and I will ask for legal advice.
I am a good mum. I have done for my kids more than most other mums would have done. All my kids are judged as hugely emotionally intelligent, high achievers…and I did all this myself, he was always away…
And they want me out…I AM A GOOD MUM.
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Oh Bridget, what do you do tonight?
This is horrendous!
I am convinced that you are a good mother.
I think you really should get the divorce done, sell the house, break up the entire rigid situation, create the perfect chaos and then build your own new world order out of that.
Let your kids decide where they want to live in the end.
Make yourself the ultimate priority.
You seem to finally become really angry. Make this anger fuel the change that you need for a better life.
I have something on a piece of paper at home: Transform my anger into power.
I read it, I have not found out how to do it yet, but I read it frequently. -
Bridget,
Abusive relationships are such that the abuser acts in covert, stubborn ways, changing tactics over the years, but the demand for control and refusal to listen to normal reason is always there.
What happens is, the victim can become emotional, nervous, anxious…. It’s like ongoing PTSD ( C- PTSD).
The victim can appear to be the one who is irrational, unstable…whilst the controlling abuser thinks of ways to make him or herself looking blameless. The more malignant abusers even enjoy this.
I don’t think any woman here can say that they weren’t badly affected by the abuse. At times, I felt I was going mad. He made me a wreck.
The authorities don’ t seem to see this. They just judge, and judge the surface appearance of the situation.
The kids will do whatever saves them pain at the time.
This is why I chose to follow my DV workers advice and appear as calm as I could – or else it would work against me. However fake and fair that be.
It will all work out in the end, Bridget. This is the time when things need to chad grand it’s hard. But you will get through it.
Try to talk more here and not involve the children. The children are in too much pain. They are trying to cope, and won’t be able to show much empathy at present.
We are all here for you x*x
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