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Feeling weak and broken today. (timeframe removed by Moderator) no contact and despite all the cruel words, bullying, manipulation, jealousy and control, all the anxiety it caused for me and how unhappy and drained I was at times. My mind keeps remembering the good times where it felt like he was my comfort and best friend. I know I could click my fingers and have him here straight away but I also know I can never go back now. He promised to change countless times and said things would get better. He always called me the abuser, the n********t, said I was controlling. When I was trying to help him because he has a coke problem. He fake cries, plays the victim, degrades and humiliated me in public. He’s stalked me when I’ve ended it before through my curtains. I feel like despite all that I love him, I just want to see him and hug him. I feel like I’ll never be ok again. Obsessing over him meeting someone new and changing for her then me thinking it was all me. Does it get easier? (removed by Moderator)
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having all these cravings & thoughts about an ex partner are to be expected especially if they were abusive – it actually shows just how toxic the relationship was. you will be quite desperate for the way your abuser made you feel ‘better’ after the bad times which was probably very much part of the cycle you were in. the only thing that can sometimes help here is to see the ‘good’ times as part of the abuse – it was someone who decided to be ‘loving’ when they needed to be for whatever reason at the time. so that you dont confuse this with them being a good person who just abused you sometimes. if you read as much as you can about trauma bonds it can help a lot as you will completely understand why you are feeling the way you are at the moment
and i think many worry that their abuser will be ‘wonderful’ to someone else but maybe this could be down to you feeling guilty & responsible for how your ex partner treated you – because while feeling it was all your fault it makes you think you are able to ‘control’ something (eg. if you had been better then maybe he wouldnt have behaved the way he did). but even if you had been perfect you would have still been abused because it was your ex partners choice to treat you badly. would it help to have it all written down so that you can see the truth about what really happened during the relationship – to see how unreasonable & unacceptable a lot of the abuse was
yes it absolutely does get easier with time although its only natural to feel that you will ‘never be ok again’ in the very early days. so just stay as strong as you can while you experience these very normal feelings & emotions – i do hope you are being supported as its is so important you have this right now
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