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I have tried the no contact method, and it breaks everytime.
This time I have tried allowing necessary contact. He suffers with mental health and told me no contact makes him worse so this time I’ve tried helping and kept my phone open to calls/messages.
I have explained to him that I cannot be in a relationship because it made me ill, I lost myself, I don’t even know myself anymore, I was uncomfortable and scared around him, I’m now a shell.
He cannot see or understand this, he tells me he wants to help me get better, offers to give me the world, tells me he won’t hurt me, I am his forever, tells me he wants back how good we were etc, holidays, the blended family unit, all the usual you’d expect.
Everytime no contact was broken, he’d remind me of why I felt unsafe.. he would ask me something, be unhappy with my answer and tell me I’m lying. He would dig and dig until he could find something to accuse me of. I don’t feel safe talking to him, I can’t be me. I’m scared when he rings me because I don’t know what he could be mad about.
He told me he appreciates my honesty when I said I can’t do this anymore, yet he will call me up a few hours later asking to go on holidays together to get the bond back and feel loved, or asks to go out for food, or a walk.
When he’s explaining how he ‘feels’ and what he wants, he seems to make the assumption its what I want and it will all be okay. He says things like ‘shall we do that then? Isn’t that what you want? I’m being kind, not trying to upset you, I just love you’
How do I stay strong enough to keep at my word of it being over and allowing contact when he seems to believe I don’t really want to leave even though I have said uncountable times I do not want the relationship anymore.
It’s so hard because I think I am also trauma bonded, I don’t know how to process all this
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No Contact is really the only way to go. Contact with them strengthens them & weakens is. And conversely No Contact with them strengthens us & weakens them which they well know so the last thing they want is no contact with us. They need our contact as it gives them energy. Could you get a third party (friend or family you trust) to read his texts & not tell you the content & for them to reply to him in whatever way they want but not telling you their replies. So this way you’re going No Contact for you. I had to be very diligent about No Contact despite his persistence but it really does pay off. You go from strength to strength with No Contact. Keep posting for support & eventually you’ll get there with the No Contact. It’s the only strategy when dealing with these types of abusive & manipulative people.
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Completely agree with lover of no contact that no contact is probably the best option ( I say probably because I haven’t got there yet and have to keep contact at the moment for practical reasons).
I have had to keep contact but will block completely when it becomes possible.
Advice on getting someone to read and reply for you I would say is excellent.
Or, giving yourself just one set time a day, or preferably every few days to read them. Then he can’t just catch you at a weak moment. That is always the risk, I find. That the relentless nature of the contact from them will always manage to land at a moment when you’re vulnerable, you can’t keep your mental defense shield up 24/7.On the up side of contact ( and there isn’t much of an upside) it can help you to see the patterns and cycles of the abuse when it’s in black and white. Sometimes reading back over it, while painful, can help untangle the unpleasant mechanics of these interactions and help you to see how it works.
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