- This topic has 8 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 2 weeks, 4 days ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Draft of post to survivors forum
Kids in denial
So I am out and learning to live again. It is good, I feel positive. The only thing that still feels very hard is that my adult kids won’t talk to me. They don’t seem to be dealing well with the fact that mum and dad are divorcing (surely a common thing in today’s world). They can’t seem to cope with the fact that I walked out on their dad (he had ordered me to leave yet was still angry when I did and yes, that is messed up). When I used the A-word (as in domestic A-word) it was Nope, mum is dead to us now.Dad has told them (repeatedly probably) that mum is a crazy woman that he only just managed to keep from going berserk and harming them all by a system of rigid control. How would you even start to unthink a thing like that?
Kind people tell me my kids will come round. I’ve had to stop talking to kind people because I don’t think they will and I’m tired of hearing comforting fairy stories
My ex always said if I left him he’d make sure I never saw my kids again. He knew I loved them more than anything else in my life. I think this is the cruellest thing he has ever done.
-
Hi Tian,
Thank you for sharing so honestly about something that must be incredibly painful for you. You’re not alone in going through this, it’s something other women have posted about before so, hopefully, they will be able to share their support with you soon. Abusers commonly use the children as a way to continue abuse after a woman leaves. They truly care more about asserting control than they do about the wellbeing of their own children. I am so sorry that he’s done this to you.
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa -
Thank you for your kind words Lisa.
So far I have not met anyone who has experienced this, no one who can imagine it, few who are prepared to even believe it. So it would mean a lot to hear from people who have, can and will.
I understand that all this has been difficult for my kids, but they surely can see that their way of dealing with it is unhealthy and ….. just wrong.
When I was homeless none of them texted to ask if I was ok or even safe. That’s cold.
-
I’m so sorry to hear about your experience Tian. It must be heartbreaking.
My abuser has adult children who I met when they were small, and often used them as weapons against me. It’s hard to know how to get around the brainwashing that’s so powerful that it convinces the children, courts, schools etc that we are the abusers and the real abusers appear to be reasonable and even abused themselves.
-
Hello and thank you for your kind words Swanlake. Yes, the school’s response was baffling. I went and had meetings and they told me to my face how little they cared about what was happening to my son. At least I got it all in writing should I ever need to show the court how hard I was trying to protect him.
Eventually, surely, they will look at him and think “D**n Dad, you are a mess” but whether they reach out to me, that’s out of my hands.
You take care of yourself xx
-
Hi Tian
I wrote a long reply but it got lost before I could post, I don’t have any answers for you, but your situation sounds very much like mine.
I have left my husband now that our children are adults, they have asked me why and I said it was the only way I could stop the fighting, but they both fully believe that the fighting is all my fault and that if I could just stop everything would be ok. (I have no idea how I can ever stop the fighting, if I could of I would of) So they believe it is down to me to return to fix everything and until then they don’t want anything to do with me.
I have not left them, I have left my husband but they are acting as as one unit, I can’t see them if I am not with Thier dad.
-
I too was asked to leave by my husband, but then wrong for doing so.
When I tried to tell my children that Thier dad was abusive, they told him and he doubled up his efforts to give them examples of how abusive I was.
I tried explaining to my son’s that both my behaviour and their dads was wrong and the only way to stop it was to leave.
They are standing by Thier dad as the innocent party !!
When he used to shout at and threaten me he used to get the children to join in once they became older teens so they could support him, and apparently so they would stop him physically attacking me (it didn’t always work) they have not seen most of the physical abuse but they have seen him push me, shove me drag me by my hair. (Why does it seem so much worse in writing than what I tell myself)
-
Well meaning people tell me my kids will come back to me in time, but sadly I don’t think they will.
It hurts so much, currently I am not contacting them, I figure that leaves me open to my husband telling them that is because I am selfish and don’t care.
But the alternative is trying to contact them and them being told that I am trying to control or manipulate them, so I am trying to stay away as a way of showing them I respect their choice to not see me.
I was also labelled as a crazy woman and when my husband was shouting at and abusing me, my children saw me being a incoherent crying mess curled up on the floor, so I was played right into that position.
I hope your children eventually come back to you, as I hope mine do too, but I’m not believing the fairy stories either as the well meaning people don’t know how the dynamic works, luckily for them.
And one last thing despite the pain of not seeing my children I do feel better everyday that I am out of my marriage.
-
ine too , I’ve had (timeframe removed by Moderator) of Hell ! Been mentally and pyhsically abused evey day been living on the edge after all his mind games making me look like I’m crazy , but he’s manged to convince my adult kids it’s all in my head and I’m lying ! He’s to clever and now playing victim and acting heartbroken coz I’ve left He knows the truth as I do I, but they believe him and I’m lost and really don’t want to be here anymore
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
