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Hi, I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for a number of years now. I am only just coming to terms with that. I have been on this forum before, questioning whether it was abuse but I am finally coming to the realisation that it has been. Things escalated to mild physical violence recently, but my mind is playing tricks on me… did that really happen or not? The last few weeks have been bad. I have been abandoned in a foreign country because I tried to tell him my feelings, something had upset me and I just wanted to get it off my chest. This started an absolute rage and I was left alone, having to catch a flight back by myself. I tried to get on with things and went to work etc… all the while receiving texts telling me he would change the locks if I didn’t pack my things and leave whilst he was still away. I sent a grovelling message apologising for my behaviour and then it turned around and he agreed to come back. (detail removed by moderator) I have now had to leave the home as I have been chucked out with hardly any personal items and being told the rest will be sent to me although I want to go and access my things myself. I am now of a certain age where living with family is far from ideal, although I love them. I am not in a finically stable position but unfortunately I was not listed on the deeds of the property. I feel like I can’t get out of bed, I have reached out to therapists provided by my work. But I know what this relationship has been, my question is how is my like meant to get better from here. My friends have near enough cut contact with me as they’ve had to listen to this for years. Part of me wants forgiveness from him so I can go back to my normal life. But by the sounds of it, he is done.
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What have you done to need forgiveness? Nothing I can read on here. Leaving you in a foreign country…should be asking your forgiveness.
Guilt tripping is a common tactic it seems and with some of us hugely effective.
What are you afraid of with making your own life?
My kids are grown and it seems too huge to start again for me. I’m examining that because I’m also desperate for him to make the changes even knowing he can’t/won’t….how on earth does it become easier to stay in an unsafe emotional environment than it does to be away from all this?
I’m also not on the deeds. Got nothing really, bar a job and clothing…but my word it’s hard living like this isn’t it? For the sake of ‘stuff’
Food for thought maybe. I’m trying to get to the bottom of why on some level I think it’s ok to be treated in such a way x
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Thank you for replying. It sounds ridiculous that should want to apologise but I made such a big deal about the fact I (detail removed by moderator)… so when I got caught out in the lie it just made it worse. But the reaction was extreme. He stamped on my foot, not particularly hard but it happened. I also got a slight push on the shoulders at the top of the stairs. He’s taken away expensive items that he bought for me because I’m not deserving of them. They were presents but I don’t really have a leg to stand on other than I pay the bills.
it is completely true that it’s not worth staying for ‘stuff’ and I hate that I even think it is. I also am in a situation where I just have a job and clothing. I just can’t stop thinking of the good things that we have done and how he is when everything is good. I would love to know why I am wired to believe that I don’t deserve better. My parents are the best role models of a good relationship so I can’t even explain it. I also have step children that I adore and will be losing along with everything else x
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It isn’t ridiculous to think about apologising, it is the amount of trauma you have been put through that means you think this way. This is all about the control he has programmed. I stayed for years because I didn’t realise just how bad it had got – I finally escaped when he said it was done and in relief I left but I couldn’t see how I would survive and move on. I did and although it takes time I am feeling like a different person. If I can do it – anyone can, which includes you if that is what you choose.
x*x
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Hello skylife,
I am so sorry you have had to go through this.
I can relate to much of what you say.
I’d like to come in on the point of asking for forgiveness. I have had 2 abusers in my life who yummed up apologies like a kid yums up sweeties. Always demanding more, often for something that they had already “completely forgiven” me for.
Apologies and forgiveness may be very important to you, but to an abuser they are just toys to use in their power play.
When I said “no, I am done apologising” the subsequent tantrums were very revealing – exactly the rage that you would expect from a sugar-deprived child.
Stay strong xx
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