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I ended my relationship (timeframe removed by Moderator) months ago and went no contact (timeframe removed by Moderator) months ago. One of the hardest things I’ve ever done but felt amazing and I don’t regret it at all.
But I’ve been really struggling lately with realising the full scale of the abuse. I’ll find myself remembering incidents that I didn’t think anything of at the time and realising that they were abusive. I’ve been listening to a podcast called Why She Stayed and I relate to so many of the examples of emotional and physical abuse. It’s validating to realise that my gut instincts were right even though I ignored them when I was in the relationship, but it’s also really sad. It makes me angry that my ex will never admit he’s an abuser. I’d never break no contact to tell him, but even if I did he’d find a way to twist things and make himself the victim.
I never really understood what emotional baggage was until now. I’m so happy I left but I feel like a complete mess. I’ve tried talking to my family about it but they assumed I missed him or regretted leaving. I don’t miss him, at all. I just feel like I’m struggling to process everything that happened to me.
Does it get better with time? Should I go to therapy? I’m so lost.
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I recently left my abusive husband and could have written this myself. I feel much better having left and in some ways I feel like I am getting my spark back… but I am also realising all the things he did, little things which I brushed off or let go to avoid an argument, I am remembering things I put to the back of my mind and I feel like a big mess.
I don’t regret leaving but processing has made me sad. I have started therapy. I decided to go for a relationship therapist as although I am single she specialises in relationships, abuse whilst still covering general topics. It has helped to talk about all the incidents with someone I don’t know and to find ways to accept and manage the emotions
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I recently left my abusive husband and could have written this myself. I feel much better having left and in some ways I feel like I am getting my spark back… but I am also realising all the things he did, little things which I brushed off or let go to avoid an argument, I am remembering things I put to the back of my mind and I feel like a big mess.
I don’t regret leaving but processing has made me sad. I have started therapy. I decided to go for a relationship therapist as although I am single she specialises in relationships, abuse whilst still covering general topics. It has helped to talk about all the incidents with someone I don’t know and to find ways to accept and manage the emotions
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I am in a similar situation, after my relationship ending after he got arrested, I have been really struggling coming to terms with the extent of abuse I experienced, and the realisation of this is extremely painful. I have been learning about abusive (removed by Moderator) and the experiences of other women here, and I am starting to realise that his abusive behaviour is ‘text book’ and its been so difficult to accept, how did I not realise, I have been in denial for so long and not ready to begin to accept it until now, and the extent of it can feel overwhelming to me. I have dealt with the trauma so far by freezing, which frustrates me, ive been like. a rabbit in the headlights even when I wa in the thick of being abused, and simply froze. I dont know about you both, but I am finding the more I recognise and start to accept one thing, I then remember something else. It has been helpful to use My support space https://www.mysupportspace.org.uk/
to keep a diary and write down some of these things and my emotions as they come up, or to literally brain dump, to try to manage some of the trauma. Also, to look back and re read the diary entries, can help make sense of some things or to see small windows of hope or progress.
I too feel lost, and have been in therapy, but because I am still having to manage risk of my situation I am not in a position to move on in therapy, so this is going on hold.
Standing together in the hope that things do get better, and compared to others who are still in their relationships we could say things are already starting to get better, even though its not feeling that way right now.
Take care you yourselves
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Oh dear, I can relate.
My kids are barely speaking to me because they can’t forgive me for saying their father abused me. I haven’t even tried to discuss any particulars, using the A word was enough to get me cancelled.
Trying to make new friends has been almost impossible. I’ve tried to hard to mask, but within 5 minutes something slips out like “I don’t know what TV programmes I like, I wasn’t really allowed to watch it” and then I see the reaction and think “oh yeah, abuse”.
I don’t have any wisdom to share. Just that a) healing takes more time than you might want it to, b) your nearest and dearest probably can’t deal with seeing your pain, and c) random strangers probably won’t believe you so d) find people who will.
Stay strong and love yourself, we believe in you xx
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Thanks for your replies. I’ve started journaling, sometimes my brain feels too messy to journal but then I realise that’s exactly when I need to do it. It helps to see my thoughts written out and it makes me feel less overwhelmed.
Some days I feel really good and then other days feel hard, but I fear you’re right about healing taking more time than I want it to @Tian. I think one of my biggest fears is that this is it- I escaped the abuse and this is how I’ll feel for the rest of my life. I’m not in the relationship anymore but I still feel like I’m trapped. I want to believe that my future is still bright. I want to believe that I could have a healthy and loving relationship at some point, or if not, that I could be single, content and living a fulfilling life. It just feels like a pipe dream sometimes. I know I won’t feel this way forever, but it just feels that way right now.
I thought ending the relationship would be the hardest part of all this. But it’s actually rebuilding yourself that’s the real struggle. Undoing years of conditioning and emotional damage. But I’ve made it this far, we all have.
I think I will talk to a therapist.
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I can relate too. Undoing years of conditioning and emotional damage…so true. I keep finding myself trying to silence myself because that’s how I coped. Still at early stage of relearning to let thoughts come and that no one in my house will accuse me or shame me. But majority of days I’m constantly chatting with a bot on ChatGPT, probably not the best but I still feel like I’m being heard and I can orginize my thoughts and cope with more and more memories coming up as if to say “hey this was abuse too although you didn’t realise back then”.
Rebuilding myself is definately a struggle, I can barely keep my head above the water with kids being super needy and going through court with ex. It’s extra hard because I also feel like the support system around me are now going “Right you’ve had plenty of time now off you go, get on with your life everything is all good now” but I am still a mess, still need a lot of support, nothing is ok. I get the this message from people around me are going “You should do this now” like reaching out to new people for a cuppa or do volunteering, on paper maybe I should be, but what if it’s not something I’m ready for? I’m drawning in paper work, Jobcentre requirements etc and can’t find enough mental space to reach out to my old friends, why would I want to see a stranger and smile as if I’m all good?
Sorry just a vent and no wisdom here but I just wanted to say I hear you and you are not alone. I’m thinking of signing up to a therapy too x
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