Feel so unwell from the stress

It took me about 6 months to stop feeling ill  from the anxiety. That’s probably not what you want to hear but I think it’s best to be honest. It may be quicker for you. It was a gradual process though where I got less stressed out gradually. So now it’s just on occasional times when I spiral, but most of the time I feel fine.

A couple of things helped me. Always leave 2 hours between getting a text or call etc from him and replying. Switch your phone into ‘sleep’ or do not disturb mode at night so that you don’t receive texts in the night.

He won’t respect your boundaries. You have to take them. Be ready to enforce them by involving others. This can be the police, or a domestic abuse agency or friends or family ( tell him these people will come to your house if he turns up).

Fear, obligation and guilt is how they operate.

You are scared, you’re right to be, you’re wise to be. Your mind and body are protecting you. It’s all ok. Give it time. The body takes a while to calm down I noticed! But it will.

It is very difficult to explain to other people, how this anxiety and stress feels overwhelming. I think that’s because they will see this person (your ex) for what he is, and will see his chances of ruining your life in perspective ( the reality is that you can ruin his life just as much as he can ruin yours.)
Its valuable that others can see this, because it is a kind of reality check.
But, what others who haven’t been through it can’t see, is how you’ve  been coerced, manipulated and scared into living in the reality where you are very scared of this man.
It does feel like a really lonely place, and it is.
But trust your reality. You’re not scared for no reason. From what you’ve said in your posts, this is a very abusive situation and your ex is very tenacious about keeping you in this situation. He doesn’t see you as a separate person with the right to make your own decisions. That’s bad. He uses manipulation to guilt you into staying trapped.

What I found was that usually somewhere in the relationship he has made you scared. This may be something that he did to you, or even just something he did to other people. In my case it was something that made me afraid because I felt like he had no limits.

It’s done in such a way, that for some reason we let it pass. Maybe there’s a lot of rationalization about it afterwards by them or an excuse for why it happened. The result though is that a really primal fear is seeded in us. On this foundation they build a structure ( a prison) for us.
Maybe that’s how we can tell it’s an abusive relationship, this fear and anxiety that you talk about is there. In a healthy relationship, we may have arguments, we may be sad, or angry or confused.
But it doesn’t make us scared.

This fear never stops being what they use to control us. If they feel it’s waning they resort to guilt and obligation.

My personal experience was to try and ignore the smear campaign.
Some people feel it’s really important to speak out and fight their corner, others just stay silent and hold their truth.
I found it was too hard to explain, and I didn’t want to be that person who was trying to win others over to my point of view. Leave them with it. Let them figure it out. I definitely didn’t  try and convince people who will always be on his side anyway ( ie his family). I would have done exactly what you’ve done. Block them. Don’t communicate with them, ever.

Simple examples of things they did, are much better than going into chapter and verse in my mind. Sometimes abuse does show through clearly in simple facts.

Sometimes people aren’t ready or able to see it. That’s their problem. Move on. There are people out there who do see it. A whole tribe of us.

You are so welcome. This forum ( despite its horrendous habit of timing people out in the middle of a post…this is why I post in several short posts…it times you out after 15 mins but I swear it’s quicker than that!)…anyway, this forum has helped me so much to move through this experience and start to heal, that I want to be here for others too.

You should be really proud of what you’ve done so far. Which is to take your chance when you could, to change this situation. You deserve better.
keep posting

xx

Ps. You’re right, he probably will want to hurt you, to punish you. He may also not give up trying to get you back for quite some time. Mine is still going strong trying to hoover me back in, (after quite a long time). But, if you keep a record of everything and never speak directly, make sure it’s absolutely always recorded, on text, email etc ( screen shot and save to a separate file or device) you can start to see the cycle of abuse in action, and you have evidence to show the police if need be, or other people if necessary.
The fear and anxiety will take a while. Going ‘grey rock’ or better still, full ‘no contact’ will help you recover more quickly, but it does take a bit of time. The abusers voice is still in our heads. It takes a while to start to hear ourselves again.

It does get better! Xx

Just want to reply to a question that you put in your very first post “is it even abuse, what he’s doing?”

my personal reaction to that, is that the things you have described are extremely abusive. They are abusive in a way which is very difficult for us to pin down and describe. That’s what makes them so dangerous. They create a deadly confusion in us ( I think professionals call it ‘cognitive dissonance’) which causes us to question ourselves to such an extent that we can just freeze. One reaction to threat, fight, flight or freeze.

Yes I get why you aren’t looking forward to him coming to get his stuff. Trouble is I guess that you do want to be there to make sure that he doesn’t take your stuff, or damage it? If you’re not bothered, you and your daughter could stand outside, hopefully where there may be neighbors etc around?

In this case, a person present who he doesn’t want to lose face in front of, would be your best bet. Someone that he thinks he may be able to convince to be an ally.

The more the merrier, even if they’re strangers, if you possibly can.

if that’s simply not possible, pre-plan with your daughter. You’ve said that he’s never been violent, so that’s good, but it won’t stop him trying to either get a last mental dagger in, or, if he’s changed strategy already, to play the victim, guilt and obligation card for all its worth. So, you do need to be prepared. Both keep phones on you, fully charged. One person always stand by the door, or outside. Have another person on the end of one of the phones if you can, or have either record or video running surreptitiously .

You say he has had mental health problems in the past, so how did that play out?

Other options are to leave his stuff by the door or outside.

You know what, are you sure you should be doing this?
the more I think about it. The more I think that you should have more people there, preferably the police.

I don’t think you and your daughter should do this alone.

why take the risk?

he’s blaming abusive past behavior on a ‘psychotic break’. Can you guarantee he won’t experience another one? Why risk it.

Could you postpone him collecting his stuff until you can have more people there, or, even better, leave his stuff outside for him to collect.

If he makes a fuss, that’s tough. Let him suggest an alternative ( one that you’re 100% happy with ie you don’t have to see him and you’re 100% safe).

Good luck with (timeframe removed by Moderator), at worst you’ll have to change the locks, which is a pain in the neck, but relatively small amount of hassle I suppose, in the grand scheme of things. Would it be possible to ask a mutual friend to get the key off him in advance?

If he’s anything like mine he will change between being the victim and attacking me with mental and verbal abuse as his mood changes.

He’s obviously putting a lot of energy into presenting the image that he wants to the world.
I can see that this could be painful for you.

Did you say in an earlier post that it was actually him who ended the relationship? I’ll just re-read. If that’s the case, then an option could be to keep your silence, let him spin his tale, and when people finally come to you awaiting your explanation, you can just say that he ended it, and leave it at that!