Is it me?

Hiya, hope you are all doing well. This is my first time here. I feel like I have a few people in my life who are toxic, and I joined this forum to get some emotional support, in addition to a confidential safe space to vent.

I still live at home with my mother and sister. I am (age removed by Moderator) years of age. My mum has always been controlling and obsessed with keeping the house in order. I feel infantilised, despite having had a boyfriend, been to university, and worked various jobs. She is disgusted by anything remotely sexual, is extremely conservative and religious, and believes that I should conform to her expectations. Unfortunately for her, I am quite candid, left wing, love fashion and all things girly, don’t go to church, swear a lot, and also enjoy a drink. I feel very judged and experience a lot of negative comments which damage my self worth. My mum is also very up and down in terms of emotions, and I have always had to do chores to avoid arguments. The chores are extremely repetitive and come before everything else. My mum can also be incredibly tactless. I suffer from EUPD, partly caused by her behaviour, and she refuses to listen to me when I struggle with depression.

My sister who also lives at home. She is extremely close to my mum. She emulates a lot of my mum’s controlling behaviour, and very much aligns with her belief system. They are thick as thieves, and I feel like an imposter most of the time. My sister also has a habit of befriending all my friends on social media, and gossips to them about me, so I can’t defend myself. She has always done this, and it’s really damaged the way I communicate with others, making me anxious.  I might add that she has plenty of her own friends. She is also extremely competitive with me to the point I can’t go near her without receiving  snide comments about my choice to wear makeup, etc. She has also called me names, like s**t, etc. Unfortunately, my sister knows exactly how to deal with my mum. She can be incredibly sweet and caring with her, but absolutely horrible to me when my mum isn’t there. She likes to provoke me and make false accusations. She also keeps telling me that I am no better than her, and that my friends prefer her to me.

I have also had to recently step right back from a close friend. This is someone I have known for about (timeframe removed by Moderator) years. She has severe mental health problems, and is also on the spectrum. I was in a group of friends with this girl and other women. Personally, I felt that the other women weren’t particularly understanding or tolerant of this friend. As a result of this, they expected me to be there for her all the time, and weren’t willing to pitch in at all. Unfortunately, this friend then completely took advantage, putting all her emotional baggage on me, and started referring to me as her lady in waiting. She became increasingly demanding with all her requests, and to be honest, I felt like a slave. This lady is highly intelligent and capable despite her challenges. I started to set boundaries with this friend, eventually left the friendship group, and also left my voluntary job where she worked. I did this because I was desperate to get her to stop her taking advantage.

Unfortunately, after I started doing that, I have been told that she gossips to the other girls in the group I left behind my back. I have also learnt via an ex colleague that she and continues to gossip about me in (detail removed by Moderator) where I used to work. She makes a point of going into that voluntary job all the time, and telling me that she is there. (specific incident removed by Moderator). Since then, I have been angry and hurt, but this friend continues to message me and not getting the message I want space.

Thank you for listening to my vent. I really appreciate you taking the time to read this. It means a lot. I understand that I have touched upon themes of mental health and disability, and I hope I haven’t offended or triggered anyone in any way.

Many thanks.