Is it normal to miss him?

I wonder if there is an element in abuse where you could say “they really can’t help it”. That’s not to say it’s excusable in any way but just to confirm that change is almost impossible for them.

Those who become their victims have to see that and fight to understand that WE can never change them. Once we get that, we have a chance of escaping. We haven’t got the luxury of any more pity, as that is the leg-hold trap.

With a bit of distance, maybe we do have the luxury of pity, when someone else is the punching bag, not us. And just maybe there’s a rush of affection for someone who just can’t help themselves? Combined with nostalgia for the good side of these relationships, which, let’s be honest, is, or was, really good.

I don’t know whether there’s something there, what did you feel was at the root of your feelings?

Hi Sand-piper

I think for all the reasons it’s so hard to leave in the first place, it’s also easy to go back, at any time, and even after many years it can suddenly hit, those same thoughts. Like you say, you thought he’d changed, which is one of them. Then there’s the addictive side of abuse, because of the trauma, they also become our strong ‘rescuer’, which is /can be an addiction, and like any addiction, can suddenly resurface, even after long time elapsing.

Be as strong within yourself as you were when you walked away, you need that resilience to hold you firm that the reasons you left were the right ones, and stil are there just as much now as then. Very much of the reason for staying is the lessening of the person we are and the prioritising of their needs, and that’s exactly what you’ve just said…feeling pity for him and his needs, and at this time you putting them above your own and those of your children. This is simply the same old emotional turmoil which kept you, and any of us, there as long as it did/does.

It’s all a completely normal reaction in you to the very abnormal situation you have come from. Many find it incredibly hard to stay gone, and go back many times before quitting for good. They become a highly dangerous habit.

Stay strong in your resilience, the same resilience that has already saved you and your children.

warmest wishes

ts

I think its normal yes. A decent proportion of us were with our partners a long time. That meant it wasn’t ALL bad. Many of us have lots of shared memories. Birth of children. Wedding. Holidays. New home. The good stuff. Milestone stuff. Its hard to not miss that really.

I think its also hard because we feel things normally. If you see an animal in pain, you feel upset and want to help it. Often these abusers are in pain too…so that natural instinct to want to help comes out.

Turns out after a lot of therapy for me that ‘caring’ side of me is more needing them to want me. To need me. To love me. People pleasing extreme, ingrained in childhood, difficult for me to realise Im doing it because its behaviour that was learned from a very young age. Have to move mountains. Be perfect. To be loved.

Even knowing that on a head level doesn’t stop me feeling the emotional pull towards it. My body understands this is the way we do things and it likes habits. Its going to take some retraining.

Could this be a potential issue for you too? Its so complicated all of this stuff isn’t it.

But miss him or not, we have to realise that they haven’t changed. Might look like it from the outside sometimes but real change is hard. It takes years. And its the person themselves who has to do the work. No matter how much we might want to we can’t save them. Its not like putting a bandage on a wound x