Mutual friends

Hi.

We have to understand that people have their own experience of our abusers. Unless they witness an event they dont connect to it in the same way we do. Even then they dont see all the stuff from every angle like we do. We’re immersed in it. Its horrific. They see you together out and about when he’s on his best behaviour. Its difficult to recognise what they know with the image you’re painting…one reason abusive relationships become very lonely and isolating.

Also bear in mind that he is likely telling them things about you. I was the devil incarnate when I left my ex years ago. Lost all of my friends, but they had been the wives of the friends that HE made. My friends that I made alone he made it difficult to maintain relationships with through the relationship so I didnt really have anyone in my corner. Not even my family turns out.

I know that it feels unfair because frankly, it is.

When I left the last one, nobody has reached out to me bar one couple. And they still talk to him too. I know they won’t give him my details though. They are friends to us both.

That said mine wasn’t violent and they knew him a long time. People dont get the dynamics of it all unless they’ve been through it.

I would only really take a step back if you feel like they are passing info/becoming a go between/watching you for him?

I do think its possible for mature people to remain impartial and be supportive…potentially to both parties (because your ex is totally the badly done to one right now in his eyes…thats what hes telling everyone)   Its whether they ARE that, that should be the deciding factor perhaps.

sadly this is something that many women experience & can be so painful to accept.  and why it can sometimes be safer only discussing what you have been through with those you can trust 100% – your local domestic abuse service/ counseller etc.  and here on the forum where you will receive the support kindness & understanding you deserve.  it is very common to find out exactly who you friends are when youve experienced abuse – in all honesty you really do not know what your ex partner has been saying to them.  and if they did believe anything your ex may have said about you then that really does say a lot about them doesnt it.  plus the truth is it would have been quite difficult continuing to confide in these people if they were still such good friends with your ex – you wouldnt have been safe at all

i read something recently ‘you can be friends with someone for years & it can take years to realise they were never your friend’.  i know it hurts right now but letting these ‘friends’ go will make room in your life for much more loyal & trustworthy people.  sending you a hug x