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My ex regulary smashed the house up deank and smoked weed while telling me I was a nag and if I just let him do what he wanted he would nkt smash the house. He used his temper as a smoke screen to stop me questioning him ans forcing me to accept his behaviour, it got so bad I finally got the courage to phone the police and have him removed. However now he still keeps saying I need to accept my part in the break up, he promises he will get help for hus addictions, fills me with hope and then turns nasty again. Everyday I am in a rollercoster of feeling free, missing him wanting to text him, feeling sick whrn I see him and regretting if I do have contact. I find I am terrified of being alone, have an irrational fear I will never have a happy relationship and he is best for me. I have signed up to dating sites ansd even went on date, then got so scared I deleted my profile account and fell into the depths of despair. I know I am scared and trying to latch onto anyone, I know I need time to heel and I am only going to bring about mpre abuse and hurt but my feelings are so confused. Is all of this my fault? Should I just take him back? He is lovely when he is nice and sonerines I feel no one else could love me like him. I am so confused !!!. Too terrified to make a decision and stick to it
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Hi Freedom123,
Welcome to the forum, there is no doubt in my mind that reading what you have put in your post that your ex was/is abusive. The rollercoaster of emotions many of us experience it is all part and parcel of the abuse as is the inability to make a decision. What you describe to me is not a happy loving relationship and my personal opinion is that you should not go back. You deserve so much more, you deserve someone who treats you well and does not smash up your home. I would give the helpline a ring they can and will help you to process what is happening and how you feel. I hope that whatever you decide it is the best decision for you and we are all here to listen when you need it xx
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Thank you for replying. Somewhere deep inside I know it was abuse. But I get so confused! Especially when he us nice. He asked earlier if I wanted tk go out, I was too scared to say no. I eventually said no, so he replied back eing nasty, them he said he had ordered a curry and to come abd eat it with him, I again said no to which he got arsie and asked to see our daughter instead. I dropped her to him( she is almost a teenager) and needed to beep the hirn as I had forgotton my phone he came out in a mokd and told me off for beeping. I have these mind fears when he is walking briskly ot suddey moving that he is going to hurt me. Its completely irrational because he only ever hit me once or twice years ago. He was more if a smash everything up man, and now he has text being nice again. All this in the space of a.couple of hours, but sometimes he gors for days without contact and I think he has got the message and startti feel settled then he messages being nice and I feel like I cant breath or move on and start to doubt my sanity and the abuse. Is this normal? If it really was abuse wouldn’t it be obvious?
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Hi, Yes this is abuse, I am told part of the pattern is the flitting between nice and nasty. After all would any of us entertain someone who was permanently horrible, I suspect not. Until very recently I never recognised what was going on in my life as abuse and it was only people pointing out the patterns and reading the posts on here and recognising so many similarities. Including that feeling of going mad, the confusion and the inability at times to make a decision. Everything you are feeling is normal. xx
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Hi there I’ve heard that line many times before admit your part it’s a classic wanting u to take the blame too. And also he used to say u want me to change but u won’t. And I’m not coming back to you to how it were before. Meaning don’t dare try challenging me over my behaviour put up and roll over. It is abuse chick I’ve been out just under a year I’ve had blips but in the end I’ve changed my number I’ve had to for my own sanity it’s the only way for me. X*x
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Hi and hugs
This in not your fault you could not have done anything differently that would have made things with him better. Abusers are always in denial that anything they do is wrong. Though the can pretend they are sorry to gain control.
Alots of us trauma bond with them causing the rollercoaster effect. I use to feel like a rabbit caught in the headlights not knowing which way to turn.
I found it scarry at first being able to make desision. Lol though I still time how long I’m on the toilet for 😆.
Keep posting, don’t doubt yourself.
We are in this together.
FS xx
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