Feel so dirty 😢😢😢😢😢

Hi there, i know how painful this is. I dealt with the sexual abuse by telling myself it was just another part of his controlling behaviour. I reported it to the police and it helped me get a kind of closure. I passed the guilt and shame on to the police. Dont feel you have to discuss the sexual stuff if you dont want to. When i went to councelling it was far too soon for my brain to deal with it. Time really is understated. Its taken a couple years for me to feel some sort of calm n peace in my life so be kind to yourself. Good riddance to bad rubbish x

Hi,

I was thinking the other day about the dreadful way my ex treated me sexually and got me to do things which I now see as hideous.

It’s all part of their mind games, their manipulation, to get us to submit to their perversions.

Open up to the counsellor only as much as you feel comfortable, and ensure that this counsellor is supportive.

Peaceful Pig has had experience of similar issues within counselling. I think she might be able to offer you good support and advice.

Please don’t let him make you feel dirty. It was him who instigated the whole thing- his twisted will, his perverted appetite, not yours. We are too frightened and confused to understand what’s happening to us fully at the time.

Big hugs X

Bless you inneedofsomepeace, this is so so hard for you to endure, the counceling is causing yo to re live what happened but if you can endure it and work through it , hopfully you will get relaese from the awful feelings.
You have nothing to hate yourself for, he has done this to you and you should not feel ashamed this was inflicted on you by him,the shame all belongs on his shoulders every last but , can you feel anger towards him, if yoiu can thump a pillow and exporess that anger, it may help you to place that blame where it belongs on him, praying you will get peace on these awful feelings. You were a victim, sending you a big hug xxxx

Be patient with yourself.
Be good to yourself.
Do not do anything that makes you feel pain.
When you take a bath make it nice. Put rose petals in the water and nourishing oils.
Do the opposite to yourself of what he did to you. x*x

I know. I go through the same for a long time. I bathe a lot, but with good things in the water, that leave me calm.

Someone once told me that there is a part of you he didn’t reach.

Call it soul, spirit, inner fire- whatever. He didn’t get to the kernel of you.

That kernel is stronger and more powerful than everything else put together. It is so pure, and so powerful, it can wash away every trace of the dirt that is him.

x*x

Hi, I had similar experiences. One thing I found that really helped me was classical music. Not the loud upbeat stuff, but the stuff classic fm plays late at night. It makes me feel safe and calm when I go to bed.It helps my mind to stay away from bad thoughts. Give it a try, you never know it might work for you too.

I feel you hun . My ex tried to get me into things i did not want to do he tried so hard .. but i gave my life my home to him .. i looked past all the red flags . He hurt me so raped me also .. plus used my past as my weakness.. my head was traumatised iam slowly recovering hugs u can get through this x

Sorry to hear you’re feeling this way, but I can assure you that everything you’re feeling is a completely natural and normal response to why has happened. It is of course their shame but really feeling that deep down is a lot easier said than done. It’s so painful to accept the reality of what our own husbands chose to do to us. I’m wondering how much you shared at this first counselling session? Is it dv or specific sexual abuse counselling? It’s really important to ensure you feel safe with your counsellor and build a rapport before digging too deeply into your feelings. You need to trust that they can handle whatever you need to say. It’s also really important that things go at your pace so you can feel in control, otherwise if you feel forced into too much too soon it will trigger feelings of helplessness. I had dv counselling first which was good but I never felt totally safe and it limited my progress. I am now seeing someone through my local sexual abuse organisation who is very skilled and has been such a help. I have had many very hot baths, caused a lot of damage to myself and wanted to rip my skin off, but recently I’ve made a lot of progress towards feeling cleaner and safer. It’s taken time and you can’t rush yourself, but you will heal and love yourself again. Take as much care of you as you can while you process things, especially the day or two following counselling when everything gets stirred up again. If you are able try not to focus solely on this for the whole week between sessions. Let yourself feel it for a day or two and then find comforting distractions. The process will still continue at a deeper level but you will keep some energy to get you through. Well done for taking this big step towards recovery, it takes a lot of courage to share these things when you feel so frightened and ashamed. I hope she looks after you well x*x

Hi inneed, I sent you a PM yesterday so I won’t say so much here, but I can really hear your pain. What support do you have around you? I had many crisis points where I had to call friends to sort the children when I felt too bad to cope. I don’t know what I would have done without them. I don’t think it’s possible to manage this alone. If there’s no-one available give a helpline a call (see my message), they’re amazing and can just get you through that worst crisis point. I know how hard it is to care for yourself when you feel such disgust at yourself and your body. I used to remind myself that as my skin cells, blood cells, every part of me is constantly replacing itself, then the body I am in now is not the same one that was violated. I was grieving for the body that was, and that is right, but now I am new, fresh and clean. The memories are frightening and horrible but they are not who you are x*x