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My boy and I have been for a wonderful tea in a nearby city. Just mum and boy time. We spoke about so much stuff – politics, puberty and then me, which then lead to his dad and me. Since my medication I have had the shakes. Not every day but often , it’s my hand that shakes quite noticably and my boy noticed so I white lies him and told him it was my meds which I take for anxiety. I said a lot of people go through anxiety at times – it will pass. Job done. So, tonight he asked how his dad and I were getting on. ‘Ok’ I said . You are not going to spilt up are you? He asked ‘ I said ‘ babe, it would never be in my plans that your dad and I split up. Daddy and I love you both very much’. But you and dad don’t love each other ? ‘ daddy and I do love each other but sometimes it is hard and sometimes people change, I said. ‘ so you are saying dad or you have changed ?’ Well, we all change a bit as we get older but sometimes we also start to behave differently. ‘. ‘ so you are saying dad is different ?’ ‘ well, dad is behaving in a way at the moment that I am finding hard to cope with’ ‘ mum, just tell me straight’ he said. ‘ OK, you asked what I had to be anxious about – your dads behaviour is making me anxious’ ‘ so you have to tell him’ he said. ‘ you dad knows, darling’ ‘ what, he knows he is causing you to be ill and he still does it?’ ‘ yes darling ‘. ‘ that’s disgusting to do that to you’ he said. Then he said …. So, if you left where would you go and would I see you ? ( I thought it interesting that he put it this way !) so I said, I would move to X*x and I would hope that you would see me
Lots and lots. Daddy and I would share our time with you equally. ‘ but I get to decide who I want to live with ?’ Yes darling – but I would hope you would see me a lot! ‘ if I had to choose I would choose to live with you, mum’.
Oh my – it is such an emotional conversation and what it is soon to my head. He doesn’t want us to split , he already thinks it is me that will move out of the family home, he doesn’t like his dad’s behaviour, I feel so messed up. He is definitely going to hate me for splitting this family up. -
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Maybe or maybe he knows I could never afford to live here on my own?? It unnerved me, to be honest but on the other hand I thought it was interesting he assumed I would leave but also that he seemed fine with it? I don’t want my kids to feel they have to choose between us and I never disrespect his dad to him at all – I take the higher ground on this one ( unlike his dad ) but it will devastate me if he rejects me. I have to leave – I need to get better and be happy. But my kids are also part of my happiness x*x
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Hi tuppance. I had to make a choice about whether or not to talk to my daughter about her dads abuse when I decided I was going to leave him. I wanted to prepare her for the breakup as she’s very fragile mentally. I also knew that when I left she would be alone with him, she wouldn’t have me to protect her form his emotional abuse. I spent weeks explaining why it wouldn’t work. She has seen first hand his temper & controlling ways, we moved out & she said she was happy cos he wasn’t there to bully her anymore. I also explained how he uses emotional blackmail/guilt to get what he wants. I definitely made the right decision, she now sees when he’s trying to manipulate her & wont let him. I don’t think we give our kids enough credit. No matter how much we try to protect them from their abusive dads, they live with them too. They see how unhappy we are. My daughter initially reacted poorly when I ended the relationship, but now if I said should I go back it would be a resounding NO! She sees that I’m happier in myself, more relaxed without the barrage of txts calls I had to put up with from him. They might be young but they’re not stupid. They know when mum isn’t happy. Your son loves you & has said he would want to go with you. Will he be sad when you end it? Most definitely but in time he will see how strong & happy you are. They live with the abuse too, they know more than we think. The best thing you can do is end it & get better for your son. It’s not easy, but it’s the only way you will ever be happy. We deserve to have a life free of these monsters.
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Thankyou Moogie. I know you are right, and you KIP. It’s the thought of fighting for the end of the relationship – I know it will be unpleasant and then also coping with the kids upset at me – it’s like I am not sure I am strong enough to cope with their anger/upset at me as well as. I have stayed I. This marriage and put up with his rubbish for so long because of them – to not hurt them and then I do exactly that. I am so stupid – I should have done this years ago – I only see it now. I thought I could stay here until they left home but he is making me ill. I can’t do it anymore. X
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Tuppance we all think like that. Woulda, shoulda, coulda. It’s so hard to leave these men. They break us down bit by bit. You are strong enough to do this, you’re also doing the right thing for your children too. It will hurt when they act out etc, but they will adjust & see their mum happy & strong. Kids are very resilient. In time I’m sure they will also see their dad for what he is. My daughter still has contact with her dad but she struggles as he’s still the same as he always was. He plays the victim in all of this but she knows why I left. You’re leaving an abusive relationship, this is far more damaging to your kids than having parents that aren’t together. They will come round in time & will love you even more for it. I know how scary that final step is, but trust me once you’ve done it you will start to heal ☺️
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Tuppance, I think your husband has brainwashed you into accepting the blame for the breakdown. Using what the kids will think of you to control you and keep you in an unhappy marriage. It is not your fault. Normal couples would sit down and say that their mum and dad still love each other but they’re no longer in love and would be happier living apart. It has nothing to do with how they feel about the children. Your husband is making you take the blame in the eyes of your children. This is simply not the case. Abusers will use anything they can for control and he is using the kids. Don’t let him bully you into taking the blame. Get a good solicitor. It really is better to come from a broken home than an abusive one. Your children are learning behaviour from your abuser. We don’t see it at the time but I now see it in my adult son. Get out while your kids still have a chance to see at least one parent acting well.
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Kip you’re correct! I was going to take the blame, like I always do, she doesn’t know that he chose not to see her for X amount of years, he knew where she was, saw her & ignored her in public etc, but she will never hear this from me. Instead I put up with her anger for her dad not being in her life for X amount of years. He actually reinforces this by openly playing the victim about those years. I don’t tell the truth because it would devastate her to know he had rejected her, I don’t do it for him, I do it for her. This time I decided not to be a martyr I told her the truth. I will also second what you say about kids being manipulative. It was something you’d said on my post kip about my daughter, it made me realise she has a lot of her dads habits. Turing the blame back to you, emotional blackmail etc. I didn’t see it before. Now when she does it I stop her straight away. I was too blind to see it before you pointed it out.
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Moogie – can I ask what it is your daughter does that makes you know she has learnt these bad behaviours and manipulates you? I just wonder about my boy doing the same? He confuses me and orders me about, he belittled me and patronises me but I was hoping it was just his age? I need his love so much and I wonder if he uses that to manipulate me ?xx
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Tuppance she explodes into a rage if I say something she doesn’t like, very typical of her dad, when I’m trying to explain the bad behaviours she turns it back to try & make it someone else’s fault, another thing her dad is master at, she also does the emotional blackmail….if you really love me you’ll let me do xyz, also the biggest thing her dad relies on to get what he wants. Obviously she is also a teenager, just so it’s hard to tell if it’s her age or learned behaviour, but I think it’s a combination of both. Remeber when she was going to “live with dad” when I put some boundaries in place? Classic emotional manipulation, she knew that would devastate me. She knows I love for her & so used it to her advantage & hurt me. She is getting better, I call her out every time she tries to do it now. Her mood has also stabilised since I stuck to my guns. It so hard when you know they’re hurting cos you’ve “split the family up” but the truth is we did it for them, they will grow up in a home full of unconditional love, free from abuse. Feel free to pm me if you want!
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It’s really hard because you’re terrified they will stop loving you if you put boundaries in place. I’ve found just the opposite with my daughter, every time she pushes her boundaries I push back with fair discipline. This past week she has been more like the happy bubbly child she was before we moved in with him. It’s made me realise she needs the boundaries to feel safe & loved. Your children will understand when the have a life where their mum isn’t bullied etc.
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