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It’s been a while since I posted on here so I do apologise. I felt I was getting better, dealing with things from my past relationship in my own way. I have met a new partner who it the complete opposite from my ex, who treats me the way a woman would be treated. He is aware of my past relationship and tries to be understanding. However, the tiniest things bring flashbacks from my ex, and it’s affecting my new relationship. I’m too scared to show him I care because the last time I did that I was left broken. I’m really struggling and my new partner is as understanding as he can be, but it’s not fair on him. What can I do? I’ve tried to contact about local support groups and received no reply.
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Hello there. I hope you’re feeling better. It is only natural for you to feel like this so please dont blame yourself. If he stands with you in this struggle then he’s 100% worth it but if he can’t take the heat he is not worth it. This is not just about you forming a relationship with you this time is for you recognising whether this man is good enough for you. What I would say is don’t tell him too much because abuse is very personal and no one needs to know everything it is your business. But ensure he knows enough or if he does things which are massive triggers you need to just ask that he either does something differently or he stops it totally. It’s warming to see someone move on I’m nowhere near ready to do that and I’m still legally married (even if I am getting divorced) but the thought of letting another man close scares me tremendously. If you have any doubts please post on here and speak with us you aren’t in this relationship alone this time you are fully equipped with all our support and knowledge.
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The brainwashing and conditioning still affects my friendships and relationships. Some days I think that I am doing pretty well and then my triggers are activated and the fear, anxiety, all the emotional and mental trauma comes crashing in and I struggle with despair and distrust and pain all over again. It helped me to get back into reading to get validation that the emotional and psychological damage is a lifelong struggle to get over yet it is better to deal with these painful emotions than to let myself be in denial or to allow myself to have abuse amnesia. A therapist is helping me to establish boundaries and to identify healthy and unhealthy relationships. Also, to learn how my years of being conditioned that I have to deprogram myself and be kind to myself as I reassure myself that it is safe to trust again. Reading “The N*********s Nightmare” by Sharida Abili (I think I misspelled her name) I found to be very helpful and gave me insight how my current relationships have been and are affected by my past. Maybe if you spoke to a counselor with experience with domestic violence and n**********c and other forms of abuse she can help you to heal and educate your current partner about your triggers and difficulties you are facing. My heart goes out to you because people do not understand how difficult it is to rebuild and to heal and deal with triggers even years later. There is hope and some help though and I wish you well on your journey of healing.
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Look up trauma bonding and effects of brainwashing and Conditioning. It will help you to understand how intermittent reinforcement used by our abusers have a profound effect on us. You can deprogram, that is what I have been doing along with understanding how to utilize coping mechanisms to deal with my triggers. Take care. You are not alone and I care and other survivors care too.
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