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I have been with my partner for almost (detail removed by moderator). he left me about (detail removed by moderator) ago for a short time to be with another woman, but we reconciled and got back together. From the outset he made it clear that the ball was in my court and I was made to feel that I needed to prove I was worthy of his affections. Since having our first child almost (detail removed by moderator) (which was not planned) his attitude towards me has changed and he has become outwardly aggressive – only verbally at this stage but I feel if he knew he could get away with it he would have no qualms in escalating things to physical abuse. In his last outburst that was aimed in my direction he told me that if I was a man he would already have smashed my face in and kicked me out. I flinched when he came towards me and he told me I was stupid because he ‘can’t’ hit me (not won’t).This is always the end point of his abuse – telling me that I should leave (leaving our very young child with him). It will always start with something trivial and explodes into a torrent of abuse, horrible name calling, shouting, and demeaning. Inevitably I end up pleading for him to let me stay and stand firm that I will not leave without my daughter. He convinces me that I wouldn’t have a chance of keeping her with me, that I don’t have the financial or family support that he has, my job (I work part time to look after our child) isn’t good enough, I’d have nowhere to go because he pays the mortgage and so says it is HIS house. He says that I make him angry and I make him be this way towards me because I am ‘subliminally abusive’ because I don’t pay him enough attention or affection – that his shouting and swearing and name calling is nothing in comparison. I honestly do all I can for a quiet life…When faced with one of these episodes (that are becoming more frequent) I tend to try and ride the storm and let him say what he wants and nod or agree to his statements about me just to try and minimise it.
The latest was only last week, this time he wouldn’t let me get out of the room he was shouting at me in, stood in the doorway and wouldn’t let me pass (usually he will follow me around shouting but this time he just made me stand there in front of him). More often then not he will take my phone away from me, saying it needs to be smashed up so I can’t ‘message message message’. He doesn’t like me contacting my mum ( they don’t see eye to eye) because he is convinced I tell her about how abusive he is, in truth I don’t tell her anything because I feel ashamed of what I’m putting up with. I have problems with my phone because he won’t let me change my pin etc. So he can read whatever I’m sending to other people – I’m not allowed any privacy in that respect….and even if he doesn’t find anything he accuses me of deleting things so he can’t see them.
He will do all of this in front of our child even if I plead with him not to shout over her – each time he will also take ownership of her and won’t let me hold her or feed her or comfort her. Often he will sit her on his lap and talk to her making comments to deliberately upset me like ‘mummy is going to go soon and we will all be better off’ or ‘you don’t need your mummy’ ‘mummy can go now and take the dog with her’
He never apologises – just reiterates that I am the problem and that I am the only person that makes him angry. Says he isn’t sorry and has given up caring or trying because I don’t show him the love that he deserves and I need to be told.
If I knew I could leave and be safe in the knowledge that I could support myself and my child then I would…but he has convinced me that I will have to go to court and wouldn’t stand a chance against him. So for now I am doing my best to fall in line and do what he asks.
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Silvern, his behaviour is nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. My heart goes out to you, he is definately ticking many of the abusive boxes. I hear what you’re saying about money but if you contact your local Womens Aid I’m sure they’ll be able to place you in one of their safe shelters. Perhaps even talking to your mum would help?
I have a similar story and it’s demeaning and self destructive and ultimately no good for your mental (or physical) health or that of your child. It’s not normal behaviour. It’s totally unacceptable.
Plaese call Womens Aid – they will support you and help you find a way out of this.
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This is like reading my own history. Go leave bim it is only going to get worse. Wait for the jealousy and accusations. He will get physical it just keeps escalating.
Call womens aid and go straight to the council offices. Tell them you are afraid of your partner and have left him. Tell them he is verbally abusive and you are frightened he will hurt you. They will put you in emergency accommodation, help you with benefits and you will fast tracked to a council house.
DO NOT LEAVE WITHOUT YOUR DAUGHTER. whatever he threatens and make sure all the child benefit is in your name. If he tries to force you to leave call the police if he is physically violent call the police or even verbally abusive and you are scared. Make sure you press charges. Legal aid for child arrangment is only available now where there has been domestic violence.keep a record of everything he does and how it made you feel.
Stay strong and don’t let him manipulate you he will make you feel its your fault it rains. It isn’t your fault he is just a horrible little man x x x x x -
Silver fern..I feel for you …I’m just coming out of a similar situation but not with a child …I know all about the control (I’m told it’s called coercive control) mind games manipulation… They tell you you are this or that try to take take away your self esteem …while playing the good
Seems like the other women have great advice, get out with your daughter for both your futures will be so much better out of that
In my humble experience, the GP is helpful to signpost to social services, the police & womens aid of course have a huge network of experienced professionals who will help you through this! & we are always here to give our support to each and every one big hugs x
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Dear Silverfern, I am sorry to hear about your situation, i felt sad when I read your post. You have a chance of a bright future with your daughter, you do not need to be in such a toxic unhealthy relationship. This will continue to bring you down ruin your self esteem & affect your daughter. You will get good advice on benefits & managing. Please contact Womens Aid or your local council who will help you get into a refuge, you can then put the foundations in place and learn how to start over. I split from my ex some time ago now, my life is better now that I do not have somebody destroying my wellbeing. X*X
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Back again and just don’t know what to do about my situation, things are only getting worse – I think he is becoming complacent in masking his actions from others, snaps at me in public and can barely maintain a civil tone of voice in front of others. Everything is my fault for one reason or another – apparently we are only co habiting now, because I won’t leave without my daughter. He makes me feel like and tells me that I won’t be able to keep her with me because of my financial situation ( I work part time) and he pays our joint mortgage….he says I have no proof of contributing so he will get everything and therefore our daughter is better off with him. Apparently I only listen when he shouts, so that’s what he does – he freely admits he is horrible to me because it is my own fault for not being affectionate enough or showing him the love he deserves, so he doesn’t want to be nice to me. Nothing I do is good enough – I feel like I’m clinging on day by day trying to diffuse his anger and trying to keep the peace just to make sure he doesn’t force me to leave. I just don’t know if what he is doing is abuse….or is it just a breakdown of a relationship…?..I have several recordings of when he has been aggressive and abusive…I think the longest recording I have is almost two hours long, I haven’t captured the worst of it and each time I’m terrified he will realise what I have been doing….but I feel no one will believe me about the way he is otherwise – he is everyone’s best friend and will do anything to help other people.
Is there anyone, women’s aid or otherwise that can listen objectively and tell me if the way he is is wrong? Am I putting up with something unacceptable. He is already incredibly paranoid about me telling people about the way he is….when in truth I am embarrassed. If he finds out I have these recordings I don’t know what would happen..he HATES me having a mobile phone with a fingerprint to unlock – he says I must be messaging my family all day about him, that I am too private and secretive about my phone.
I don’t want to be here but he knows I have no one to talk to and no where to go, so he is doing me a favour by letting me stay.
I work part time and so my daughter goes to nursery (detail removed by moderator) days a week and I look after her the other (detail removed by moderator) ….so in that respect she spends most of her time with me – would my partner be able to argue having her full time based on him having a better paid and full time job? He says I have no chance ‘against’ him….
I don’t know what to do or where to go…advice please….anything, I just want to be happy again
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Hi Silverfern, yes this absolutely is abuse, emotional abuse, coercive control and threats. And yes it is unacceptable. Most professionals are educated about domestic abuse and will believe you and be able to support you. Talk to your health visitor, GP, womens aid. He doesn’t want you to talk to anyone because he knows it’s unacceptable too and is scared of getting caught. In a joint mortgage, if both your names are on the mortgage, the mortgage company don’t care who pays it. This doesn’t give him any special rights. The things he says to your daughter about you are heartbreaking and very damaging. It’s great you have recordings, this will help enormously, but please ensure you keep them safe from him. I stayed in my marriage for years convinced I wouldn’t manage alone but actually things are financially much better because I realised how much money he was spending. You’ll get benefits to help you and you have lots of options. Call the helpline and/or your local outreach service to get support to make a safe plan to leave with your daughter. Things will only get worse if you stay. This is in no way your fault and you have nothing to feel embarrassed about. It happens to so many of us. Stay strong and keep safe. Don’t let him suspect your plans. You’re not alone and there is a light at the end of this tunnel xx
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Hi Silverfern,
Somehow I missed your post when you write it originally some months ago.
The hairs stood up on my back when I read it, because it felt like you are described I guess my life with my ex: the psychological fear, the cutting words, the threat of escalating physical abuse, his wielding financial control, isolating me from my family and his complete sense of entitlement in behaving like he did because people didn’t pay him enough homage, apparently.
Fast forward, and I stayed ( I nearly left after my first child). I ended up having two kids with him. It very nearly destroyed me, and I’ve been left with PTSD and a chronic illness because of being with him. He was hiding money away, was very unkind and controlled us for years, was worse to the kids when I was at work – I didn’t know until after he’d gone. My point is it doesn’t get better. Their cruelty just multiplies and spreads like a disease, and what’s awful is that they tell themselves they are entitled to do it, because others deserve it. The abuse has already spread to your child, as he’s scaring her and trying to turn her agai st you, negating your importance to her. He is a very cruel and sick man.
My ex controlled all the money, he’d organised all the mortgage etc, and hecnadevne feel I owed him for my very existence and I couldn’t get out. I have now divorced him, he is not permitted to come near me and I am slowly recovering though I never thought I could escape.
My advice is to call Women’s Aid, of course ( to my mind that’s very important ) but also call the National Centre for Domestic Violence ASAP on 0800 970 2070. Relate to them the threat of physical assault, the violent threats he’s made, as well as all the other aspects of abuse. They will guide you. Hey are able to provide emergency injunctions and occupation orders, but they will explain this all to you.
My heart goes out to you, because I’ve been where you are. You aren’t alone. Keep posting.x*x
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Hi
Sending you an enormous hug as I’m sure you need it.
This is abuse without a doubt. I also think he is emotionally abusing your daughter.
If you haven’t already please ring womens aid help line.
Do you have a good relationship with your health visitor? If so talk to her and tell her you need he’ll. Tell her you’re experiencing abuse. Share recordings if needed.
Confide in your family or a best friend – the support and relief of sharing the burden will be a help.
You don’t have to take this from him or live like you are. It’s not a good life for you or your child. You can leave, its just really hard taking that plunge and its really scary making that choice xxxx -
Hi sliverfern
It’s extremely hard and I can see you are drained from all this reading your post was like reading my own story . It’s abuse and it’s not your fault they stop us from having any comments tact with anyone so they can take full controll of us. It’s good you have recordings make sure you’ve hidden them so he don’t find them I had to record my husband coz he used to say to me I can lie to anyone and they will belive me which was true so I had to start and record all the arguments as avidance and the physical abuse I took pictures of all the scars and bruises etc this is to help us. Don’t let him get to you its hard i no be strong for you daughter and get out of there. He pays the mortgage bills etc yes but what does he actually do for you may your daugther.. they think coz they pay bothered bills they can abuse use NO.. you look after your child you give your child the love the protection that she needs so what makes him think coz he pays he will have the child. He says that coz he noshi your emontionally and mentaly weak so what everror he says you will belive me . Stand up to him go to your gp they will help you straight away u won’t need to go back. Go when your taking your daughter to nursery tell them it’s not safe. They will help you with benefits n accommodation that’s the most difficult part but be strong coz if you stay he will take control of you completely and it won’t help you ..
Ps Keep posting it will help you talk to others it’s helped me.. wish you all the best ..
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So I’m still plugging along with life and doing my best to hang on to as much normality as possible for my daughter’s sake. I’m desperate to do the right thing but I don’t know what the right thing is. I keep second guessing myself as to whether or not this is really bad enough to be ‘abuse’? Are we just arguing?
I do as much as I can to keep the peace where I can….the smallest thing that irritates him results in me pleading to be allowed to stay as he tries to force me to leave. For the second time he took to piling my stuff up near the door last week and requested I leave through gritted teeth and name calling. All escalating from me asking too many questions about him hanging a mirror in the living room. All in front of our daughter despite pleading with him not to shout and swear at me in front of her – I was trying to give her lunch and he refused to let me pass through the doorway insisting that he would feed her and not me. He says that I am passively abusive and just because I don’t swear and shout like him doesn’t mean I’m not a bully, he calls me a liar but I have no idea what im supposed to have lied about. I’m ranted at about not showing him enough affection but I just don’t want to be near him. Sometimes I think maybe he just has anger issues…maybe he is tired, stressed – we have a baby that doesn’t sleep and a half finished house….but then I see how he can’t do enough for everyone else, or can switch to chatting softly to our daughter and turn back to me and call me a lazy b***h. He is everyone’s friend – a top guy! I feel like no one would ever believe the way he behaves…..he is paranoid about me telling my mother, each time there is an outburst he accuses me of messaging her with the details, he doesn’t want people to think badly of him….so deep down he must know it is unreasonable. Today’s problem was that I accidentally left some milk out overnight and left a light on upstairs….true to form I have been shouted at and asked to leave without our daughter.
I have managed to record his outbursts maybe 3 or four times….each time I’m forced to sit through over an hour of being told I’m in the wrong, put downs, name calling, swearing. Each time there’s a new problem, something I’m not doing right.
I’m exhausted and his behaviour is starting to worry me – last time he left me physically shaking. He has never touched me – I think he is too aware for that, I think he came close last week but he is too clever. He even justifies his behaviour by informing me that he has ‘never touched me’. I’m scared its only a matter of time, this morning he took his frustrations out on the kitchen bin instead….sometimes its the odd thrown object out of sight.
Ive thought about solicitors, GP, health visitor, womens aid but I don’t know what is best or how it works….and secretly I’m hoping it will just fix itself. I know he will make my life absolute hell around my daughter and parental rights – my brother is going through a difficult break up with his partner at the moment with a child stuck in the middle. The anger my partner has about my brother’s situation and his response to it worries me – I know he would do everything in his power to see me left alone and with nothing. He would see me ruined.
I don’t tell my mum everything – she knows life isn’t great, but not the details on how he behaves. Realising I should probably tell someone I have shared my problems with my granddad. I have also sent him the recordings I have so that someone else has them. If my partner found them he would destroy my phone.
I don’t know how anyone manages to make these decisions. I want to be stronger but ive been made to feel like I have no support and am financially unable to support myself and my daughter. I just want a normal life for both of us.
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I am still getting the brunt of this c**p and I left my ex 3 years ago. If you are going to leave be very careful, you could ask womens aid about their refuges. The physical violence started after we had broken up and now three years later we are going through a messy court battoe over child contact because I dared to get a new boyfriend. He texted me today to say I ought to be paying him half thr child benefit never mind he has never paid me a dime in child support. They will try anything to upset you, yiu ex sounds like mine onpy mine was not so much worried about my family as he was about friends and other men. Jealousy is a common trait. The financial side of things was the same for me. He paid the mortgage and worked full time. I wouod suggest you take your daughter and go see the council make it clear there have been threats of violence and abuse and hopefully they will put you in emergency accommodation. DO NOT WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Thr government gives enough especially if you are working to support you and your child and of course there is maintenance he will have to pay on top of that.If you do get emergency accommodation it will take about 8 weeks to get a council house. If your name is on the deeds of the house he can’t just throw you out the house is jointly yours, if that is the case go see a legal advisor most will give a half hours free advice and please talk to womens aid, if you are not on the deeds then womens aid the council and a legal advisor. Good luck x
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