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I fled with my children in (detail removed by Moderator) from my ex (he isn’t their bio dad) after I couldn’t take no more and had to get away. we didn’t move far and the house we moved to was a disaster but it was an escape route, I have to private rent as couldn’t get help from the council at that time which meant I had to get a loan for rent and bond etc. however he still carried on with verbal abuse ringing and turning up at kids schools, not letting me have the childrens things, I changed my number but he found out where we moved to through a parent at one of the schools from their child. so the abuse carried on saying it was all my fault, I have ruined everything, I had everything with him..the kids he was blaming them too. then he said he was ill with his back and pleaded with me to help him and like an idiot I did because he made me feel so guilty and I honestly thought at that time I had done the wrong thing leaving. I took him drs, I redressed his back, I fed him did his washing and all the time he was laying the guilt on but I just felt so low, then the sexual abuse started again and I just broke. my some who has special needs was having more meltdowns at school again and home because of him. the ex kept coming round banging on the door trying to get kids to let him in. ..it was then the police were involved. it had taken me weeks to get the strength to speak to them and after hours of statement writing they went to see him. I wasn’t strong enough to tell them about the sexual abuse he did to me, only told them of all the psychological and emotional abuse. they were looking at coercion and something else. but when the police went to see him, he put on all his smiles and “I am the best man” in the world routine on, his dad was there too.. and all they gave him was a (detail removed by Moderator). I felt so let down by the system because after that he still carried on coming round banging on doors, making calls to police at 1am saying I am suicidal so they would come round in the middle of the night and believe him. eventually with help from support groups and the council we got moved again, this time I changed the kids schools, all but the one with special needs as he was already struggling emotionally, the summer was great we got out and started to feel like a family again. but then (detail removed by Moderator) after kids started back school, the stalking started again, he was trying to follow us to see where we have moved to. this as now started my nightmares off again about the rapes and sexual assaults, I cant sleep, I’m not eating, I’m locking myself away in the house. I feel like I’m losing control again and so scared, ive been told to contact THE POLICE AS HE HAD LEFT A NOTE ON MY CAR (detail removed by Moderator) saying he knows we are still in the area. ive even wrote lists of what the kids like/dislike, school info, drs info, friends etc in case anything happens to me, so they are looked after. I only wish I had had the courage to tell them of the rapes and that in the first place too but I was scared, I know its too late now…I am fed up of running ;-( what shall I do. I feel like ive let everyone down. I have no one he saw to that the minute we first ever moved in with him
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Hi there and welcome. What this man is doing is illegal. Can you ring the helpline and find your local women’s aid? Ring 101 and speak to the domestic abuse police. It’s not to late to report the rapes and sexual abuse. I did this long after it happened. There is no time limit for rape so you can report any time. Try speaking to victim support or rape crisis helpline. You can’t get through this on your own. You can even report the rape through a third party like rape crisis. The most important this is to keep a log of his contact and keep reporting him to the police. Go total no contact. You can txt or email him one last time Telling him you want no further contact and any further contact will be reported to the police, after that, don’t get into a conversation with him just ring the police and report him. You can do it. While he thinks he can get near you to manipulate you, he won’t move on.
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i have been in touch with my support worker today and she has told me to ring the police and report it, my friend was here with me when she rang so he dialled 101 for me and put me on, they are coming to take statements (detail removed by Moderator) as I said I didn’t want kids here. I feel so ashamed and so scared. my support worker is trying to sort window alarms and a pride alarm to for the house. its like being a prisoner in your own home all over again. Just feel like I have let myself and the kids down. I moved over (detail removed by Moderator) to be with him because he wouldn’t move for me..looking back now I can see why he has done it.. but at the time I had lost my mum only (detail removed by Moderator) before and I thought fresh start you only live once and all that. I had known him for years before we got together so it wasn’t like I didn’t know him. but as soon as we moved he changed, he stopped me seeing my friends, stopped me going back to what was home to see friends, he blocked any other people locally too. kids weren’t allowed friends around, kids weren’t allowed to watch tv nothing. where he used to be good with my special needs son he turned totally the opposite and made everything worse. I have no self confidence, nothing now. feel like hes took years away from me. I have three kids with (detail removed by Moderator) between each so each have different emotions and handling it all differently. feel like ive let them all down and not protected them. I feel so alone as I now have no friends and the ones I did have he has drove them away
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So sorry you’re going through this. I’m new here myself & I’m in no way an expert but I wanted to ask if social services are involved? My reason for asking is because as soon as my child made a complaint & all of the safeguarding policies kicked in our situation was suddenly escalated & things started to happen. I know it shouldn’t be this way but protecting children seems to give them more power & more of a sense of urgency than protecting women. If social services aren’t involved I’d consider calling them. I know it’s a scary thought but personally I’ve found them really helpful & not the ogres I was expecting them to be.
xx
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Thank you all. As of yet social services haven’t been involved but I have a feeling after Tuesday they will be and I am scared stiff of that, I think its because all you hear about them isn’t good. I am really dreading tomorrow and Tuesday but know its got to be done. Just don’t know where to start with everything, do I start with the recent events of following and stalking etc or all the earlier events of sexual and physical abuse which I hadn’t told them in the past as I felt ashamed, hurt, alone and scared what would happen if I did. Just so much going around in my head at the minute xxxx
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Don’t worry about how to tell them what’s happened. Let the police lead you. With me they started right at the beginning. I found it helpful to write it all down. The first time they came I went into another room while they read it. It helped me as there were certain words I couldn’t say. Be gentle and go at your own pace X
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Good luck for today. I know it’s a daunting thought but it tends to be one of those things where thinking about it is worse than actually doing it. In my case making a statement really helped sort things out in my head. I had roughly 24 hours afterwards where my brain kind of went numb & all I wanted to do was sleep. It was my mind processing everything & after that I felt so much better & confident that my situation was going to change for the better. AND IT DID. It’s hard to explain but you’ll see what I mean.
Don’t be scared of social services, they’re there to make sure that the kids are safe & cared for & the best person to ensure that is ‘mum’. You have been & still are actively trying to resolve your situation for the sake of the kids & yourself, They understand abuse & while they are there to assess, they’re also there to take some of the pressure of you by ensuring that the kids get any support they need.
One of the things the police should do is refer you to ‘witness care’. When they call you they’ll ask if you want referring to ‘victim support’. Say yes. I’ve found them absolutely invaluable throughout this whole process xx
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Thank you both, my Support worker has just left, she has told me to start from the begining when the police come to take statements tomorrow, I feel so ashamed, where do I start?? last time they took statements I never told them about the sexual abuse and the rapes because I was scared and ashamed, I still am now but its the fear of what hes doing now is making me more scared as I don’t want to be in any position for him to get near me again. ive got more support now than I did last time and its the support that has made me realise I do need to tell the Police everything so they take it seriously and deal with him.. I am just scared, thinking wont they wonder why I haven’t told them before, why did I let it carry on how it did, ive talked to no one in detail over the rapes and just don’t know how to approach it..feel so used. I just know I need too, to know he hasn’t hurt my children too. he works in a job with the public too and trust, have I left myself and my children down for only reporting the emotional abuse and not the sexual so far?? even people I don’t know. my head is all of the place, ive been trying to write things down but cant concentrate. just feel so lost at the minute, ive gone a week now with eating nothing and hardly any sleep which isn’t helping. x*x
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The police came on tuesday and took my statement for the stalking and for the first rape. The officer said i didnt need to go into detail of the others as i would have to do a video interview. They said it would get passed to the relevant dept. But since then its been quiet ive not heard anything today or yesterday. Kids schools have been great for safe guarding re the stalking until non molestation order gets put into place. But now im panicking and getting worked up to what happens next. Do you think they would of spoke to ex yet? Or not until ive made full statements? I just feel like a nervous wreck.
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Hi there, with me the police rang me to tell me he had been detained for questioning. This was long after my statement as they had to investigate. Don’t be afraid to ring the officer dealing with your case. You have a right to be kept informed. Mine was a long slow process so try to pace yourself. I know how hard it is not to feel anxious but you’ve done the right thing. We cannot deal with these men on our own.
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