the fear feeling takes over!

It’s the effect of abuse. It’s panic. It’s how you’ve been programmed to feel so that you are trapped. I posted something about how abusers instil a mental filter in our heads so everything we do goes through that filter. What will happen to me if I do this? Will he be angry if I do that? Etc. If you take away all the feelings of fear and anxiety. What kind of a relationship are you left with? Would you stay without all the coercion? I know I would have left within a couple of years. But then we married and our son came along further trapping me.

That filter image is so accurate.

I filtered even about what toothpaste to buy. x

Filter is so true I think of this all the time. And man every decision or word I say comes through it! I think for me the fear when I think about leaving is also a little of how am I going to do this? Will everything be ok? Am I really ending my marriage? This is full on! All those questions panic me. I just don’t want to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire. But then when I do feel like that my instinct pops up with, you have to do this, things will be so much better. Listen to your instincts Magic Unicorn, what are they saying? xx

I always tried to avoid arguments to keep the peace but when your abuser chooses to abuse you he will use any excuse. I remember a half hour assault because I bought the ‘wrong milk’. How you can terrorise someone into a state of fear and panic over milk! He even raged that I always put our sons needs over his because our son drank that milk. I didn’t know we were out of the other milk and I’d just came in with bags and bags of shopping and there was a shop across the road if he needed that milk. That episode hurt me and frightened me for a long time. It’s only when you’re out of the abuse you realise that it wasnt about the milk. He had an empty house and decided he fancied a terrifying verbal onslaught to reduce me to a tearful quivering shell. Only when you accept that they know what they are doing, they choose to do that and they have zero regard to the effect it has on your physical and mental health, will you come close to understanding there is nothing you can do for them so save yourself.

Hi, I made the mistake of not telling my family for years. Abusers thrive on our silence. My family were so supportive and I couldn’t have got through without them. Google trauma bonding. It explains our fear and dependency on these abusers. Take all the help you can get. You sound strong. You’re working, looking after a family. What does he bring to the relationship? Take away the coercion and fear and ask if you would stay? I’d have left decades sooner ❤️

sometimes it takes a leap of faith. life is better without abuse and the sick feeling and everything else can start to heal. FOG – Fear, Obligation and Guilt – these are the feelings we have to endure due to abuse – but we can heal when we go no contact xx

Hey MagicUnicorn, it’s so fabulous to hear you speaking so clearly and with such strength.

It does sound like your FOG is lifting and you can see the situation for what it is. The clarity is heartening and petrifying st the same time isn’t it!

You absolutely will be able to have a life free from abuse with your daughters. Start making an exit plan but make sure he doesn’t get a whiff. Good luck xx

Yes MagicUnicorn, you married him for a reason, but you didn’t expect this. The blame is on the abuser. In time you will see that it doesn’t matter what his family/friends thinks. What is important is your/your daughters happiness and safety. Spend time with the people who really care about you and who won’t question your reasons for leaving. x

Fear is a massive part of an abusive relationship. I had been alienated from my family and didn’t think that I could go to them for help. During the (detail removed by moderator) of our relationship he had told me so many times that he could kill me any time he wanted to that I believed him, as well as telling me about his families criminal history. Not only that but I had learned to put a brave face on when we were out in public. As far as everyone else knew we had a good relationship. Who would believe me. I now know that there are people out there that will believe you and will help you to rebuild your life. If your family and friends are true to you then they will believe you and stand by you. You also have to send a message to your daughters that this type of relationship is not normal or acceptable. You have to do the right thing by yourself and your daughters, marriage or no marriage, it’s time to leave.

You’re definitely thinking straight and logically and sensibly about what you need to do.
There’ll be more questions and doubts you’ll raise woth yourself every day but stick with your aim and dont be sidetracked or put off by him.
Everyone has their own ideas on what to do with telling people about the abuse. I took the view that if I was leaving him as he’d had an affair I’d have told people that was the reason so I told it straight and as it was. As ypu would imagine he was well p’d off but at least I was honest and supported.
You will be scared and he’ll make it worse but he’s only doing that to abuse you. Keep your head held high, keep focussed and keep strong. Hug your children frequently and reassure them.
Look after yourself too xxxx

Wow. Really well done. It’s going to be a roller coaster ride. Take all the help you can get. Go no contact and be very kind to yourself. Keep posting as things progress. I found this site fantastic for anticipating his next move. They are all the same. Same abusive tactics x

Well done Magic. You’ve done so so well. No contact all the way! x

Well done magicunicorn, Keep posting here and reading the posts for support and to stay strong for you and your girls. Gather as much support around you as you can. We are here for you. You don’t have to do this on your own.

Well done Magic Unicorn. I hope you’re doing ok x*x

Well doen hun for taking thast first step hope u ok