- This topic has 9 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 5 months ago by mixed-up mum.
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27th November 2016 at 7:06 am #33216Eve1Participant
When my teenage daughter came back from her last stay at her Dad’s at half term she said he was not working this Christmas and wants her to have Christmas day and the few days leading up to it with him and his partner, which she says sounds nice, so she ok with it. Last year he only told me his plans for Christmas about a week before, I ended up on my own for a few days after Christmas and felt very, very low. So when I dropped my daughter off this weekend I asked him about it, as I want to be a bit more prepared. I still hadn’t thought it completely through, though, and have ended up agreeing that she go from the day after she breaks up from school, to the end of Christmas day. I have something planned for Christmas day, I’m not sure what my eldest is doing, but now I face a few days on own again, not really seeing my daughter on the run up to Christmas. I’m feeling pretty miserable anyway already. I don’t want to put my daughter in the middle of it but I’m thinking about saying to him that those few days before are too much. I don’t think my daughter minds either way. I honestly think it’s s case of its harder to say no to the abusive parent for her.
It’s so typical that I think I’m standing up to him and he still gets the better of me.I don’t know whether to speak to him when he drops hey off or wait until I’ve spoken to her. Normally I contact him only by text or email. I hate the idea of standing arguing with him on my doorstep but I don’t want to just let this go.
Eve
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27th November 2016 at 8:19 am #33218lostandbrokenParticipant
I’m facing the same issue with my daughter and her dad. Her dad isn’t my abuser, we have been separated since she was a baby.
Whilst I was with my abuser my daughter moved out and went to live with her dad, she said she could see what I couldn’t and it made her feel uneasy. As well as the fact my abuser made her feel unwelcome too. So now although recently since I’m living in my own home again away from the abuse, and she has been back with me since I got my keys, she is spending Christmas with her dad, it will be my first Christmas Day without her.
Can you maybe suggest you pick her up before dinner time? I agreed for her to spend Christmas morning with her dad on the conditions I pick her before dinner so we can share the day.
Xx
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27th November 2016 at 8:30 am #33219KIP.Participant
I would speak to your daughter and agree the days with her. Then send a polite text to her dad stating so. Then turn the phone off. If you and your daughter are fine with it there’s nothing he can do X
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27th November 2016 at 9:09 am #33221Eve1Participant
Hi Lostandbroken,
I’ve been away from him for a few years and at first we did alternate Christmases with the children but for the last probably (detail removed by moderator) years he’s worked, so I imagine he play the ‘you’ve had more Christmases than me’ card if I object, and because I’m fair I’m not going to object anyway. Bearing in mind I’ve just lost my Mum though, I would like to spend some of Christmas with my daughter, that’s all.
It’s part of the continuing abuse. He hasn’t got much left he can use against me so he’s using our daughter. This is what they do.
When my daughter first mentioned she did say’part of Christmas day’. It’s the usual thing though that when I speak to him, I just want to get away as soon as possible or I start to feel like a rabbit in the headlights, so I didn’t really want to into the smaller details him. I will say something to him though as he’s just pushing boundaries really.
It’s good that you’ll have some of the day with your daughter. I think I’ll ask that she comes back at tea time and not ‘Christmas night’.
Hugs to you
Eve
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27th November 2016 at 9:21 am #33222lostandbrokenParticipant
Aww then maybe you can share her on Christmas Day. Like kip said, see what your daughter wants to do then text him and switch off your phone. Also what I have discovered (not by contacting my abuser) but just in general, if you can block someone on your phone, they can’t call you but you can call them. Or you could Text him the plan and then block him, he can’t answer back then.
The control is with you Hun, don’t allow him
To do it through your daughter. You’ve come this far to heal, don’t allow him to carry it
On.Hugs to you too dear x*x
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27th November 2016 at 9:45 am #33224Eve1Participant
Thanks both. I think agreeing it with daughter first is a good plan. Then I don’t get into anything with him. Switching the phone off!! I’m going to try it. I’ll post on here how it goes!
Eve
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27th November 2016 at 9:48 am #33225lostandbrokenParticipant
You will be just fine Hun.
X*x
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27th November 2016 at 11:13 am #33230SerenityParticipant
Part of Xmas Day is perfectly reasonable and fair.
You’ve been through a lot with the loss of your mum. You can’t expect your ex to find the compassion to see this, due to him being an abuser, or maybe he does see it and is just being nasty, so you need to state what you would like to your daughter and agree it with her.
Xx
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27th November 2016 at 2:28 pm #33246White RoseParticipant
Our first Christmas apart she went to her dad’s late afternoon Christmas day (we’d had lunch with my family, he’d had he at his friends) so they had half Christmas day together. She then stayed for (detail removed by moderator)days. It felt fair but home was empty and i was lost. She’s chosen to be with me each year since then, amd has not seen her dad for well over a year now.
If it’s a “shared” Christmas day it really needs to be shared with return to other parent at a sensible time, there’s no point returning in time for bed! Don’t expect her to eat 2 Christmas dinners so get her to check meal timings. It worked well for all us that year as far as Christmas day went I hope it does for you too xx -
27th November 2016 at 6:55 pm #33264mixed-up mumParticipant
I know how you feel Eve – not in a good place right now either.
Cuddles.
x*x
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