- This topic has 11 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 6 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Hi
After months of denial, research, despair, soul searching, self hate, guilt, anger, crazy thinking, fear and emotional instability something clicked yesterday. I have no idea how or why but I feel at peace with my decision and how I want to play it out.
I was allowing anger and fear to control me and I have realised this was causing me so much internal conflict because I am not a cold and callous person. I tried to keep a distance both emotionally and physically from the man I have loved for so long, whom I still care about and that in itself hurt and confused me. He abused me and broke me. All I wanted was to be let free which he refused. It was this refusal to deal with things reasonably that made me so ill. The point is that I understand it all now. Or at least I think I do. I am going to stop hating myself for wanting a better life. I am going to stop feeling guilty for taking steps to secure my emotional stability. I am going to stand as proud as I can manage for being brave enough to fight for better for my children. I know thechildren will be upset but I cannot preempt their every thought. I must show them that I believe I am doing the right thing. I will explain to my husbamd exactly what I have been dealing with the last few months and I will ask him to respectfully allow me to leave. I will ask for nothing from him except maintenance . I will ask him to think of the love we both have for our children before he responds. I will ask him to be respectful and mature about it and if he doesn’t I will get my solicitor to throw the book at him. I believe he owes me that much. As parents, without manuals, we try our best but we are individual humans too. I have the basic right to feel emotionally safe and mentally safe. I want to co parent with pride and sensitivity. I want to support him too as I take my steps away. He is emotionally immature to be able to deal with this. I will show him the way to behave and so ok owi can hold my head up knowing I have done all I can. The rest is up to him. I am a grown up. I am allowed to make my own decisions and I am allowed to change my mind. I am allowed to do whatever I want to look after my children and I. -
You sound stronger but I have one worry and it’s that you’re going to involve your husband in this again. You can be as mature and respectful as you like but he won’t care. You own him nothing. Please think about leaving asap. Getting the solicitor to deal with everything else. in my experience it is going to end up in their hands or you will walk away with nothing meaning you will always be dependent on him financially and have to watch him spoil the kids or just waste the money and security that should be yours and your kids. get out, get better and then make these huge decisions. You have engaged time and time again, given him chance after chance. You will leave the conversation feeling lower than you’ve even felt. Back to stage one. Get your own place of safety and security then your will have the power of engaging when you are ready ❤️
-
Thank you KIP. I just don’t like hurting people – even those that have hurt me. I see the good in everyone, I believe in the power of kindness. All of this, together with my lack of backbone and fear of confrontation makes it hard for me to upset people. I will think hard on what you have said. At least I don’t feel guilty anymore – I think that was a hard emotion to / feeling to conquer . X*x
-
Don’t confuse hurting people with standing up for and protecting yourself. The only person that seems to be hurting to the point of self destruction is you. Many times I tried to reason with my ex. It doesn’t work. If you could reason with your husband then you wouldn’t be in this situation. That penny will drop eventually and I think the fog is beginning to clear. Don’t think he lives by the same rules that you do. There are no rules for abusers X
-
Tuppance – KIP is absolutely right. Whatever you do or say will make no difference to him. He will not treat you any better if you treat him nicely. It will be completely wasted on him. More importantly, you need to keep yourself safe. As KIP says you owe him nothing and he has no rules. This is the time to put yourself first x
-
-
I agree, you don’t have to reason with him, likely he won’t acknowledge what you say anyway or it will irritate him that you seemingly have a voice of your own. Do your best to have a plan for yourself and your children first.
I tried to talk to the husband when I told him it was over, that relationship was abusive but I never saw it that way at the time! All that’s come out of me being reasonable is now I’m trying to divorce him and he’s putting obstacles in the way. Then I move on to the new man, my gaawwwwd! he’s the reason I’m on this forum.
Be strong, you don’t have to justify your reasons, leave if you can! Deal with the fall out once you’re out. At least you’ll be in a safe place x
-
Tuppance, safety and protecting your children & yourself is your total priority.
Forget trying to reason, pointless, don’t give him any information, regarding your safety plan, that will be used against you.
Your safety get out plan is for you & your children, no one else needs to know…especially NOT him!As the other women say.. if they were the listening,reasonable,understanding, kind type, we wouldn’t all be here posting about the horrors of abuse.
As tough as it is to bear, thats the reality, and we reject that.
We don’t need that in our lives we can be free.Keep safe X C
-
Thankyou.
I think the last few weeks have been the toughest, where his behaviour hadn’t been that bad but still on occasion and I reflect on the good times. I have done a lot of grieving, self hating and guilt tripping over my decision but a couple of things really hit home lately. One was an inspirational quote online which said that ‘
A good father does not abuse his children’s mother. A mans abuse of a mother proves in itself that he is not thinking or caring adequately about what is good for the children’. Then i saw ‘ after someone hurts you, you are not the same anymore’ and finally ‘ stay away from people who do not take responsibility for their actions and who make you feel bad for being angry at them for what they have done to you’. I found these and others similar quite empowering and have them as photos on my phone I look at often. Then the other day I saw a long ago friend and we had a catch up and we have been on such similar life journeys so far, it was incredible and she said to me ‘ you have to stop worrying about what you think other people will say or do’ you have no control at all in this and it zaps valuable energy whilst you are in survival mode. People will think/say/do what they want and you can’t control that. Let it go – what will be, will be.
So, I am feeling less inclined to do all the things I was going to offer him and what I really want to say is ‘ the hurt you caused me, how you dealt with my unhappiness and continued behaviour towards myself and others has changed everything’. I have grieved, cried, worried and searched for answers. YOU did this and I continued to put you and the kids first. I have never bad mouthed you to any of our friends or family, I have defended you when there really was no defence. I have considered your feelings before my own, it is time for me now to heal and to do what I believe is right. I have done all that I have done ( setting up new home secretly ) to make it easier for the kids and to allow you to remain in our house amongst our friends. I want nothing more, right now, than my freedom to be the best person I can be. I am not taking the children away from you, I am giving them a second home of peace and calm amongst a community in which they will be able to play with their school friends. We will share the parenting of our children. The children have their own voices and I am happy for them to stay with either of us whenever they want. I shall be moving out on x*x. If you cannot deal with this fairly for the children I will go now with them and will explain to them what is happening. – just reading this it seems I am still saying too much. D**n that man for breaking me. -
…ok, you are thinking of moving…just please remember this can be a dangerous time…is it wise to announce your leaving?
You know him best, is there potential danger if you do? Is it worth that risk just to tell him, if your unsure of the consequences?Please consider this first…telling him maybe a trigger for ?? If he’s not a reasonable ‘normal’ person…
I am just thinking of caution & above all your kids & your Safety!
Cx -
Hey Tuppance
I think the fact that you’ve done your grieving already will put you in a strong position emotionally when you leave. However, do not underestimate the outrage this man might feel when you dare to try and walk away.
I told my ex it was over and gave him several months to move out (things had been relatively calm and he seemed okay with this) but over the next couple of days he was the worst I’d ever seen him. Had I found this forum beforehand I would have approached the situation entirely differently.
No matter how well you think you know him you just can’t predict how he will react when you tell him it’s over. Please be careful and listen to those who’ve been there already xx
-
Hi Tuppance,
I just wanted to show you some support and to say that I agree with the ladies above. Please phone the helpline to get some advice and support regarding your safety plan leaving… We all know that leaving the relationship is the most dangerous time for women and children and even if you feel you can predict his behavior it is better to be safe than sorry. Please try and find a safe time to ring the helpline and let us know how you get on.
Best wishes,
Lisa
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
