Loss of self

One of my friends was in an abusive relationship in the past, before I knew her. I met her about five years ago. She is in a loving relationship now with a really kind nice man who adores her. She is bubbly, funny, confident and kind. She is a chatterbox. She lights up the room.

However apparently her partner before her current relationship abused her verbally, was manipulative and physically aggressive. Apparently when they were together she was quiet, shakey and withdrawn. She told me this years ago and though I didn’t doubt her honesty I was hard to imagine and I didn’t really get it. However I am now in an abusive relationship myself. I have gone from being sociable and confident to withdrawn and nervy and socially isolated. This friend has been really helpful because not only does she really get what I am going through, she also gives me hope that it is not permanent. She has become her wonderful self again.

Hope that helps give you hope too.

It maybe you aren’t the same as you were, I bet you are stronger and resilient and have even more of a sense of who you are. But in terms of finding joy in life and being light-hearted and having fun… I bet you will get there.

I know what you mean Serenity. He changed me he took my sparkle and made me flat.
Friends say I’m getting back to the “old me” which is good to hear. I don’t feel like the old pre abuse me ( but I do feel old!!) but im getting some if my self p back and I think I’m gaining confidence. We spend so much time on eggshells and in fear it takes its toll and I hope in time things will improve.
If you think how you are a year ago you’ll recognise the progress you’ve made.
Take care x*x

Hi HUn

Thats what they do these abusers, break our spark, slowly it will come back, as others have said i went from bubbly, chatty to quiet and withdrawn , how they break us is shocking, i think slowly we heal , as we heal we cry for how they broke us , u have really come so far and should be proud of yourself , learning to put yourself first is hard when we always put them first, then when we leave them we start putting our kids first, use this year to focus on u and what u like

I am a totally different person.. I feel as though I have lost so much of me…. I sometimes feel like the old me has gone forever and I may as well give up and resign myself to the fact….. and I never give up on anything…..

I agree White Rose – ” he took my sparkle and made me flat” – I spent way too many years with that man – he robbed me of any ‘spirit’, any fun that was in me – and I never did have much confidence, but he took all that too.

I just feel now I have no voice, like I don’t matter – that’s what living for so long in an abusive marriage does to you…….

I don’t expect folk to show me respect – so I don’t get it…..I don’t feel important enough…..I don’t feel worthy…….
I have such a low opinion of myself, and its SO hard to change the habbits of a lifetime…….

I have lost me – don’t know who I am anymore……a shell of the person I once was……

Finally after X years out I have decided to go for counseling and I’m on the waiting list – this is my only hope to find the person I once was…….. I don’t know if the old me will ever find her way back……but I have to try

Good luck everyone ………it’s a long hard road to recovery…….

Take care.

x*x

I’m so tired, just drained of all energy…….i just feel helpless…….

I just find it SO HARD to stand up for myself and say what I want/need…….

I’ve been a doormat all of my life and never been able to defend myself, I’ve always, always just let other folk tell me what to do – never felt able to say this is what I want.

It saddens me so much that even with my own bairns I let them use me and take advantage of me, even with them I can’t speak out and say it’s not acceptable to treat me this way.

I feel like I have no rights – that I’m worthless – like I don’t deserve to be treated with respect…….. I suppose that’s what abuse does to you robs you of any value as a person……
When I was with him I dare not speak out against him…….and when you lived like that for so many years you get used with that way of living and you devalue yourself as a person.

If other folk don’t treat me with respect, then i just feel like I’m not worth it – if other can’t see fit to treat me right, then I just feel like im of no value as a person. If they cant treat me better, then I’m obviously not worth it…….

x*x

Hi Serenity

Read your post and my immediate reaction is wow what a true survivor!
Despite your struggles you have risen above it by achieving so many other goals and kept going anyway.This is real courage and courage involves carrying on not giving up when you have obstacles.It is easier to sink than swim and you are swimming thats for sure. The light of the human spirit can never be extinguished so your real strong self is always there even when you think it isnt.I know PTSD is a nightmare to cope with-live with it too-but you are already learning to find ways of managing it. I suppose you could call this pain management like physical pain so that you control the difficult parts not the other way round.
Your lightheartedness is still within you or you would not be part of this forum or be persuing the activities you mention. Yes a mighty light puts darkness in the shade!
Jupiter x

Lighthearted I will probably never ever become again.

I begin to do what I always wanted to do and what he has tried to kill in my soul.

And I found another passion, standing up for women and children, because of what I have experienced.

That fits in with my interest in politics anyway.

I appreciate how you feel Serenity. I’m feeling flat which is to be expected, but I’ve forgotten what I like doing, second guess or struggle to make decisions – I feel like part of me died.

Hi Ladies this post Jupiter is so true…I’m not the same person I was before I met him & I recognise this is all due to the abuse..The old me is why he was attracted …We are poles apart! I’m the sociable kind always doing, and creating opportunities & ideas. He was lazy, void of ideas, boring always into himself.. his likes wants ways…
The point of that is how subversive abuse is. If your quite laid back and easy going, they take that as opportunity to shift it all…Their way. So my easy going nature lead me into deep water…Anyways now I’m really trying to catch-up with the time I’ve lost, thank G I had some bits and pieces, in my life as a thread of ‘back up’ safety net! Like some odd bits of work etc…Or I’d have been stuffed! He actually wanted to erode my life the connections the good job, friends etc.he said at one point he thought I should marry him & retire! Seriously messed up head!..So I have a long way to go yet! As you say they hate it when you do anything …He never wanted to get involved wanted separate lives in ways, but didn’t want me enjoying life at all he’d sulk, go to bed early etc like a spoiled brat! I find it so weird that I’ve been living with this ogre for (detail removed by moderator). At the end of it, nothing! Onwards Ladies!

XC