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I’m out of my abusive relationship and have been for years but that hasn’t stopped the abuse and control continuing… regarding contact arrangements with our daughter. I have spent years trying re-build my life with my daughter in the happiest and safest way I could. Even taking part in Freedom Programmes which were not only empowering but very insightful however I’m still scared ALL the time. The kind of scared that makes me freeze in fear when I hear loud noises and keeps me up at night, or gives me nightmares when I do finally sleep. I even had to go to the doctors for sleeping tablets because of this. I feel like I’m constantly anticipating something bad will happen because I spoke out and told the police what was happening to me. I’m so scared that last week I brought a rape alarm which I hold in my pocket every time I leave the house. Yesterday I even brought it on the school run, hidden under my scarf. I am in therapy which is really helping and my family are being very supportive but I still feel so alone and completely unsafe. It’s like compared to him I feel tiny, insignificant and easily destroyed. (detail removed by Moderator) it’s so hard to be strong when I feel so weak and physically/emotionally exhausted!
I thought leaving and being a survivor would make me feel free and strong but I still feel trapped and weak.
I’m new to this forum and just wanted share how I was feeling with someone that might understand? Thank you for reading x -
Hi there, Butterflyme,
Unfortunately, abuse takes a lot to overcome. Though getting out is the best thing, it takes a lot to surmount the after-effects of living with an abuser.
The anxiety, hypervigilance and sensitivity are all part of it. I was diagnosed with symptoms of PTSD, and I am still struggling and times, and believe that I am suffering from complex-PTSD.
I believe that the anxiety gets locked in our bodies. We kind of constantly replay and relive the trauma, not knowing how to get out of the constant loop. Our body holds the memory of our trauma, and replays it constantly.
Counselling and talking it out is very important, plus getting practical help, but I would maybe look at things that are meant to help with emotional and mental health. Meditation, yoga, physical exercise, healthy eating are all good, as I think we need to strengthen the body which houses our emotions and mind- but I have recently been practising EMDR techniques ( eye movement therapy) which has helped, amazingly. My anxiety was unbearable, and I feel it’s helped to unblock that feeling of being stuck in anxious mode, as I had recently been triggered and felt like I had gone backwards. I have stopped walking around with that knot in my stomach, feel calmer and less on high alert.
Apparently, EMDR mimics R.E.M. sleep, that part of our sleep where our brain replays our memories and sifts through them to bin the unimportant stuff and hold onto important information.
Apparently, some trauma is too bad for R.E.M. sleep to do its job of working through and binning- the memories are just too painful, so they remain trapped in our subconscious and conscious mind, and they continue to be real to us everyday, affecting our anxiety levels, affecting our wellbeing. It can be like the memories are as raw as the day it happened. This is especially true if you are triggered by something.
EMDR works by getting the patient to talk about the trauma whilst focussing their eyes on a point/ a light, mimicking R.E.M. Movements. It’s meant to help you face your fear and work through it, aided. The rapid eye movements help your brain face and overcome the memory.
Your GP could talk to you about EMDR, or you can look online. Also, look up Distress Tolerance techniques ( part of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy).
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Hello. Thank you so much! Your reply was very insightful and I will definitely look into your suggestions!! I just started taking anti-depressants today to help with my anxiety but I would much prefer to get rid of some of these feelings through meditating or the EMDR you mentioned! Hopefully that will help with my sleep too which is a hot mess at the moment. Either I can’t get to sleep or I can’t stay asleep. I have been researching PTSD and I’m definitely displaying some of the traits. I’m having to constantly talk about the abuse and explain how bad it was (detail removed by Moderator) and it’s re-traumatising me. I wish I could just forget it all and make it go away. I just want to feel safe and happy. This constant fear and anxiety is ruining so many aspects of my life. I’m going to try to meditate tonight as I’m starting to feel very anxious. Thank you again for your reply! It’s so lovely to know someone is listening x
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