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I spoke to someone at work who had been through domestic abuse in the past. They said that when they left the abuse, nothing had actually happened on that day.
Just a stranger in a public place could see the abuse and had a quiet word sparking her to think about he child turning out like her abuser.
I know what I need to do, I know what I want to do, I don’t feel a connection anymore, I need to move on with my life. But I don’t know when to do it and I worry about the reaction to it plus the fallout from it.
Has anyone else on here struggled with this? -
I struggled with knowing when to leave. I went on forums such as this, watched and listened to things online that ‘convinced me’ of the situation and made me see the reality of it. I left, like your friend without a plan. it was simply the result of finally seeing my friend who couldn’t believe the amount he was calling when we were out. It all came flooding out and she just said to me..’I don’t think you should go home, do you?’. but she asked me, she respected my choice but i knew hearing her say it too meant i should. There is no ‘good time’ you just need to mentally prepare yourself and provide the safest plan of action. We are all here for you hun x*x
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Thank you so much for your reply, its so hard knowing what to do when you are stuck in a situation like this.
I have had the same thing as yourself. I went out with a friend – who admittedly I very rarely get to see.
The insane jealousy when I am out with anyone else is off the scale completely. All I had was a barrage of messages all night. My friend has said a similar thing to me.
When friends comment on things like that, it really makes you think as you’ve had this happening for a while, it’s probably got worse as time has gone on, getting more and more messages each time you are apart. So what we’ve come to get used to, as its been a subtle increase over a length of time, from a friends perspective, they feel they need to say something.Thank you so much xx
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…yes I was indecisive and it took me several attempts to leave before I started to piece the reality together. Cracks in my belief in him started to appear…as I realised I was going back to what? For what? More of the same treatment.
Although it was what was familiar to me for so long, our existence inter linked, and not interlinked at all. Lots of events in my life began to mount up…& I Could experience first hand his tangible neglect. It wasn’t in my head it wasn’t imagined I wasn’t caught up in the emotional whirlwind…and imagination or confused. It was clear X happened he wasn’t there..hospital not with me, and so on. Real stuff ignored…when I could see the actuality of his cruelty…( even though I’d experienced violent arguments in the past) the emotional abuse was obvious. He was only interested in himself, I knew he was selfish…but this was another level, I was just ‘there’ in body not spirit…he was robotic, carrying on in his own world…not giving just taking. False totally false, I thought this is not love he’s not even my friend, who IS he?..I was building up to it thinking of a plan trying to mentally prepare myself, and when he went away for a weekend…I just did not want him near me ever again. I was terrified and I thought …why would I want him back? Seriously did I really think he was going to change now? Hadn’t we been there done it…and nothing had changed in over a decade…what did I reckon? Was he going to come in and say Hi love how are you doing, shall we go and have some fun etc etc (and not end up raging at you! )…it should’ve happened years ago, when I had my doubts my gut feeling…it’s usually a red flag, like it or not.get out save yourself more pain would be my advice to my younger self.
Hugs Cx
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Thank you so much for responding. I have thought about it myself on a few occasions, and I know I need to make that break now.
I like yourself have put up with so much for so long. I too have had things completely ignored due to pure selfishness. I thought for a long time that it was in my head, or I was reading too much into it, or I was mis-interpreting things. But that’s all a part of their game plan isn’t it? Its all very subtle to start with and gradually builds up more and more over time.
I’m feeling exactly the same, this isn’t love, it isn’t even a friendship. Who is this person I thought I knew?!
I wish my partner would go away for a weekend, I would set the wheels in motion and have the opportunity to do what I needed whilst he was away. But I am not allowed to be a part from him, he refuses anything his mates want him to do at a weekend unless it is something I can be dragged along to.
I thought to myself yesterday when I was having a bad day emotionally, when was the last time we have fun together? When was the last time he did anything remotely romantic? I can’t remember.
I need to get myself out of this before I am dragged down any further.Thank you so much
L-J xx
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It took me several years from first feeling that cold, pit of the stomach realisation that he was choosing to hurt me before I actually left. When I finally found the strength and determination it was a comment by a friend saying that I’d still be talking about leaving him the next Christmas and I couldn’t bear the thought of that. I left very soon afterwards. It seems strange that after feeling such desperation and misery it was such a little comment that suddenly hit home. Use this time to take advice and plan safely, something I didn’t do and now regret. You’ll know when the time is right for you x
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Hi Peaceful Pig, thank you so much for your response.
I won’t put on here what my partner said the other day, but it showed full well that he knows exactly what he is doing. He is choosing to be so hurtful and just expects me to deal with it.
I too have had a bit of a kick up the backside by my very loyal friend. Who has seen first-hand what I have to deal with. Just saying to me basically that it is the same things happening over and over again. Enough is enough. Do I want another birthday ruined like last year’s was? Do I want another xmas walking on egg shells, not being allowed to spend quality time with family and friends? Do I want to live a life being constantly checked upon everytime I am out of sight?
Of course the answer to all of the above is – Hell no!
As much as things are difficult to hear, its what we need sometimes to get something done.
I am getting the advice I need and I know where I can go if things kick off. I do worry about his reaction and I also worry about the aftermath as he knows some horrible people who are more than willing to go after people, damage property etc. Worries me sick about what could happen. xx
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Hi Lightning Jet, I am in a very similar position. I am trying to work out how to make it end. I no longer see a future, I know he is emotionally abusive by controlling me. I have lots to work out and know I need to do it in a safe way because of our child. I don’t think there will ever be a right time, but just like Beenherebefore said, “There is no ‘good time’ you just need to mentally prepare yourself and provide the safest plan of action.”
If we didn’t have a child I would have left a long time ago but I wanted to see if staying was right for our child. I know now it isn’t. So I am getting as much advice as I can to see what my best option is. Its not easy but it will be worth it I know.
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Hi lonelyandconfused, thank you so much for your response. I am so sorry to hear the troubles you are going through.
When you know there is no future but not knowing how to end it and when, there is never going to be a perfect time to do it, you are right. But if we get the advice needed and we have a safety plan, that’s all we can do.
I understand completely, I do have a son, but my partner isn’t his Dad, however he does call him Dad and is very fond of him, despite how nasty he gets. I’ve tried to make it work for his sake, but I can’t continue on living as we have been.
Definitely get as much advice as you can. It will absolutely be worth it in the end, I really hope you manage to get things sorted soon x
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I felt exactly the same. Its so confusing and difficult once I had learnt what his behaviour was and that is wasn’t right (with the help of this forum and many many books) I knew I needed to leave. But getting to a point where I could do it took time. We all have our own path, I would say use this time to plan, thats what I did. And that means that when you do finally go you will be able to do it quickly and safely. I am so glad you have a loyal friend who can see what is going on and is there for you. And in the meantime don’t berate yourself about feeling indecisive it is totally normal and we have all been there. I felt exactly the same as you lonelyandconfused if we didn’t have a child together I would have left a long time ago. x*x
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Hi Lilaclady,
Thank you so much for your response. I spent a long time thinking I was reading too much into things. When I rang the helpline, it took me ages to pluck up the courage & when I did call, I had no idea how to even start & if it would end up that I was wasting someone’s time.
The more I read though, the more I realise what is going on and that it is nothing to do with me, it’s him. Reading up and being on here has given me so much help and prepares me for the next issue, I kind of know what is likely to happen before it does and I am armed with what to say to him.
I am trying to get some money together and get a plan in place, I don’t think it is going to be very long before I make the break.
My friend is amazing, always there no matter what. This friend felt there was no option but to say something to me and I am glad. I needed to be spoken to. I needed to vent my frustration and confide in someone. I needed their input.
I am so glad that we have this forum as well and all you wonderful people here to support each other through all this.Thank you so much xx
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Lightning-Jet I am where you are now. AGAIN. I have been here a few times, but today my mind is veering more towards the leave than stay. I feel for you and with you. I wish I had not made all the wrong decisions earlier on. I wish I would have stayed away and not had him back all that time ago…
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Deathangel I am so sorry to hear that. We all make the wrong decisions, don’t beat yourself up over it. I wish I had taken the opportunity before to end it rather than being where I am now.
I think we hope that they will be different, we believe the lies.
Hand on heart, we both know what we need to do. Actually doing it is the hard part.
We will get through this, we deserve better than this we really do.
Chin up, we’re here for you x
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