unsure

Hi everyone. I’m new here, but need to know if it’s really that bad or if I’m just being silly. If you need them… CW: possible sexual assault
So I’ve been in a relationship for a long time and have a child. My partner is not physically violent and is not financially/emotionally abusive in an obvious way. We got together while we were quite young and I had some mental health problems. I wasn’t particularly attracted to him, but I felt like he was my best friend at the time and that if I didn’t give him a chance romantically/sexually then I might miss out on something good.
Early on in the relationship, he had sex with me without really having my enthusiastic consent. Once when he knew I’d be uncomfortable doing so, and had only agreed to to avoid doing somethng else I’d feel uncomfortable doing. And another time when we’d just had an argument he pretended to be mute (ie. didn’t say a word), started to play fight with me, held me down and had sex with me, then afterwards joked “that was technically rape because you didn’t consent”.
So I tried to break it off probably three times after that (in the space of a year), but it was so hard because he was so upset and he was practically my carer (I had mental health problems and probably would have dropped out of my studies without him, I didn’t really have any other friends at that point).
We ended up living together and I could see no way out. He drank quite a bit and was angry a lot. Then I got pregnant, stupidly I thought I may as well have a child because I was probably going to be stuck with this guy forever.
When the child was a baby he was quite critical of my choices, I had that “walking on eggshells” feeling. Actually managed to confront him about that after a year or so, and he toned it down.
Other than that he guilt trips me into having sex with him and when I try to break up with him he says he wants full custody, that I should be the one to leave, and guilt trips me into staying (cries and says life won’t be worth living). He makes my skin crawl and knows I do not want to have sex with him (I say no several times every time he asks and only give in bc he won’t leave me alone), but tries to carry on like I haven’t tried to break up with him several times.
I don’t know if this is abuse, but I feel trapped and I feel disgusting after sex with him (I basically get drunk, switch the lights off, and think about nicer things if I want to feel okay). I know I’m a coward, but I don’t want to leave my child with him when he’s crying and angry because I don’t want to scar her for life. Last time we broke up he told her “mummy’s going to live in a different house because she doesn’t love me anymore” – so basically making it sound like I’m doing a bad thing when actually we could make it work out if he’d make an effort.
I feel like I have no one to talk to about this, I only have a few friends that aren’t mutual, everyone who knows us both thinks he’s great. I feel like I’ve got myself into this stupid situation and that there isn’t a way out. He’s also super nice after arguments, goes out and buys me stuff, I feel like it’s another way of guilt tripping me, but maybe I’m just paranoid.
In addition to all this he probably phones me when I’m working at least once a day, not really to check up on me, but it makes working more difficult. He also talks badly about mutual friends that I get along better with quite a bit. He’s fussy about inviting people back to the house. He checks up on my bank balance online reguarly because he wants to make sure we’ve got enough money, but I always feel like he’s going to comment on my purchases.
I’m sorry if this isn’t bad enough for this forum, I will leave if you think I should. I promise I’m not trying to waste your time.
If you got this far, thanks for reading.

PS. I guess that I should also note that he knows I’ve been in a previous more sexually abusive relationship and knew I had issues around sex early on in the relationship. He was mainly understanding about that I suppose, but a lot of the time we have together sexually feels v similar to when I was with the other guy, just instead of forcing me physically he makes me feel like I’m an awful person if I don’t “perform”.