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I have had a weird week, time just vanishes…
I wake up with a plan, but then do none of it…
i waste time on the TV, on youtube, on thinking about him and what he did to me, on how he destroyed our family, was it really all his fault, was I in some way, any way to blame?
I tried to “check in with myslef” – did I need to have a cry, but nothing – I was just numb again…
One foot in front of the other, doing the bare miniumum to get by. Shopping daily for dinner – can’t make meal plans…
Children struggling with anger, one child very depressed, self-harming, have no reservbes left to help her, feel so guilty for letting her down…
Trying so so hard to be patient with them, feel so awful when I slip…Finally, the tears are now flowing….
Am so scared I’m going to end up with PTSD – no signs yet…
Am sick of thinking about him – not missing him but going over and over in my mind what he did… It’s the onbly way I keep the anger up to keep going…
I am told by those who love me, how incedibly strong I am being – but am I really or am I just deluding myself?I want to scream at him – How?! How could you do this to me? How could you do this to our family?! You have broken 3 people who did nothing to you but worship the ground you walked on!
More time wasted, on you… such a long time already… how much more of my life do yuou get to steal? What a wasted life… Even the good memories are ruined… by what you did in the end…
You tried to break me, in the most calcualted and cruel way possible. But I wouldn’t be broken – now I worry that although you may not have succeeded in brekaing me, you have cracked me beyond repair… I will never forgive you for what you did to me and our children…
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Hi iwillbeok,
Sorry to hear you’re struggling this week. I can totally relate to thinking about them all the time, your brain going round and round trying to make sense of it, because it’s all so terrible and cruel our poor brains can’t make sense of it.
I’m not sure how long ago you left but I’ve found that the brain whirring round like that lessens with time (I imagine it being a bit like a car wheel stuck in mud with something pressing the excelerator pedal).
It is one of the PTSD symptoms, have you seen a therapist about how your feeling? A therapist told me it’s officially classed as PTSD if you still have all the trauma symptoms three months on. It’s very normal to have PTSD symptoms after abuse, but they usually lessen and are also treatable, so you will be ok either way.
Have you got any support and coping mechanisms? Today I did a lovely youtube yoga class just on my mat in my room which felt so healing. I also journal most days and paint. Outlets like this are so good to calm the brain and get out those whirring thoughts.
Humans are incredibly resilient creatures. You are wounded, but not broken beyond repair. Healing will come with support, self care, therapy and time.
It sounds like being a bit hard on yourself, expecting to achieve a lot whilst still traumatised? I know how you feel because I don’t feel I get much done each day either, some days I hardly do anything, but as long as we are taking small steps forward each day with lots of self care we will feel better. x
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Thank you SR for your kind words – I did read them last night but was too upset to reply. I was crying and shaking and even vomitted. I did have a glass of wine and barely any dinner but I doubt that had anything to do with it?
It felt not unlike the 1st few weeks after I had got out. I would stand in a doorway wondwring which way to go, the tears would threaten and I’d flap my arms trying to make them go away (!bizarre).
I am even now torn whether to go to work ot not. Responsibilities and I enjoy my job
Such a supportive bunch of people. But I worry I’ll make it all the way in and then lose it as soon as someone is nice to me…Tears on the edge of my eyes even now…
Urgh – so hopeless at putting me first. What do I need? How best to look after me without feeling guilty? -
Hi iwillbe ok, I’ve been struggling too. You do have to be kind to yourself. I was beating myself up about not getting much done but then I’d try to do a little each day, some days nothing and also to remind yourself what you have achieved. My kids are traumatised too, I recently spent all day in A&E with my youngest who was having suicidal thoughts – at the time I felt numb, unable to help her, I was there with her but I felt like it was just my outer shell there – I couldn’t connect with her – she’s got a lot of help through that day though so I know I did the right thing.
Can you call in sick today- it would be genuine I feel – don’t put pressure on yourself, it will only delay your recovery. Hope you feel a little better today x*x
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Thank you Relieved,
I told myself if I managed to hold it togther getting the kids out the door (Mondays are always crazy!) then I’d go to work. And I’m doing ok…
I think I’d actually be better off there today than on my own. I’ve had Sia (Never Give Up and The Greatest) on a loop and I’m feeling stronger. I have family coming for dinner – the house is a complete tip but I don’t care (& neither will they). It will be so nice to see them again.
Xx
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Hi Hun
When we leave our emotions are all over the place from going in to block mode to trying to process how dare he do
that to us and the kids and walk away. Its all part of the process of healing, u will get days where u can cope and days where you want to switch off . Just continue taking small baby steps, i found it helped by making lists of jobs to do and working my way through it , any jobs that didnt get completed can be added on tonext day list. I used to do the same and still do some days waste the day doing nothing, i use the list as a reminder of how i passed the day usefully. See if you can get a week of work, i personally found keeping myself busy helped me. Reach out for support for yourself and for your children and there are lots of agencies to help you through this healing process. Yes you could go to the doctor and explain how you are feeling, i did the same sat there with my gp saying i cant stop crying , even though at the time was sure i wasnt crying, but must of as i rememebr saying to the gp i feel so tearful and emotional. My gp reassured me its normal after all i had been through and no matter how muchi try to put a lid on things, this has to be processed, i was offered tablets to help but refused . as part of my recovery i realised these tablets are not bad as long as u have support to, sometimes they can help .Continue reaching out to us -
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Thank you all so much. It does make it easier knowing you are out there, understanding what Im going through.
I went to work and had a productive day. I went to lunch with friend – who recognised that I was struggling. She was so nice – I managed to hold it together, but still had a good chat.
Another friend texted me re plans for tomorrow lunch. I said I probably wouldn’t be in as I wasnt doing so well. She was so lovely – asked if she could do anything and recommended chocolate and tea and a movie!
I got home and lost it with my daughter. I feel so awful – she was at me and then huffed just like he used to and it set me off. I went into the garden and cried and cried. We made up after but I’m still in pieces. Family still coming over later.
Hanging in there (even if by my fingernails),
I will be ok
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I just wanted to say a big thankyou to the wonderful ladies on here. With your words of encouragement, support from friends and a big hugs from my Mum and Dad I am feeling again that I can get through this.
Somehting else happened this evening – my daughter was able to have a good cry in my arms and vent some of her feelings. When she said ‘I can’t do this’ I said to her (and in saying out loud to her, I was also telling myself) ‘But you are. You will be ok. It might hurt like hell right, but you will get there.’
Words I need to remember.
Take care all and sleep well x
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