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The house is on the market and we’ve recently been doing house viewings. On the one hand it feels quite positive and hopeful as it’s been depressing living with my parents for so long and it gives me the opportunity for the fresh start that I’ve been wanting for years. I’m stagnating at home and think it will be great to have my own place (assuming I can find somewhere).
There are many challenges to face though too. One thing I’m finding hard is that there have been several couples, all about my age, looking round the house. Most have children, are pregnant or have young babies. I have been helping to look after these children and babies while they look round the house. (detail removed by Moderator) and am happy to do this. On the one hand it’s wonderful to see this new life and I’m happy for these couples, everyone deserves happiness and it must be so exciting for them starting a family and buying a nice family home.
However, I also feel a dull pain in my heart each time I see a new couple because it just reminds me of what I don’t have. It reminds me of my ex and how he pretended to be this great guy, lied to me, cheated on me and abused me. I feel so sad that I didn’t get to meet a good man like these women have. I know that I am only seeing what they want to show, but these men seem so polite and educated and lovely, I would have loved to date any of them!! I feel so sad and despairing how my dating options usually tend to be arrogant abusive types, not polite, genuine, kind, gentlemen. I can’t help but look at these women and wonder why these men chose to marry them and why I never meet men like that despite trying loads of different hobbies, groups, volunteering, activities and online dating for literally years. I can’t see a reason why these women are better or more deserving than me and it hurts that I am alone after escaping an abuser and they are getting to start their families, it feels very sad and unfair to be honest.
I know I keep going on about this so hopefully I don’t sound too much like a broken record. I think I’ll feel better once I start working again and can concentrate on building my life up again, it is bound to be painful being exposed to people who represent everything I’d like but have not managed to manifest in my life so far, especially having them come into my home one after the other!
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Hi Sunshine,
Yes the couples viewing your house are triggering your deepest desires. Its ok and normal to have those desires. The desires to meet a kind, genuine man who would treat us well and love us and to share a life with a man like this and start a family. You are doing the right thing to post your feelings of sadness and disappointment that this desire wasn’t met.
Your posts about this have helped me a lot. I too had that desire. I too like you got the man who didn’t cherish me and I find it sad that I didn’t meet someone to share my life who was good, kind and genuine. I had the sadness you describe but it does lessen with time and my deep sadness of this deep desire that I wanted in life but wasn’t met or didn’t happen is only triggered occasionally now. I have moved into a sort of acceptance.
Stay with your sadness. Its ok to grieve the loss of our dreams. Coming into contact with an abuser involves a series of losses. Feeling sad is part of the healing process.
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hey hun
see this move as a step forward , so u didnt have the perfect guy, it hurts but dont worry, that just means he wasnt the one and some one better will come eventually, the ex just clarified for u what u dont want in a realtionship, focus on how forward u have come since u left ex, remind yourself how u felt with him. this move to living on your own will make u even more stronger
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Hi LONC and Confused,
Thank you both for your replies and apologies for the delay in replying back. To be honest I definitely haven’t let go of the hope/dream/wish of meeting a good man, I am still relatively young and would have time to have a family if I met the right man. It just feels so b****y frustrating seeing all these women parading into my home with attractive, educated men who to be honest seem really nice and non abusive (although I know abusers are excellent actors so I try to bare this in mind.) I genuinely don’t want any of these women to be with an abuser, it’s just that I would like a good man too. After all my years of difficulties it’s b****y hard being happy for everyone else all the time when you just feel hit with misfortune after misfortune and you feel like the world is not in balance.
I really don’t want to become the angry, bitter old spinster that everyone avoids, it’s good to get these feelings out rather than bottle them up. I’m due to have some counselling soon so hopefully that will help as my thinking has got negative again. I keep remembering all of the horrible disdainful looks my ex used to give me and it has left me feeling fat, ugly and like no good man would want me, which is out of character for me as my looks and body were always one thing I felt relatively happy about. I guess my abusive ex did a good job of lowering my self esteem in that area too, he clearly didn’t like me to feel good about myself.
I also feel depressed at the thought of returning to online dating again, but I don’t have any dating options otherwise. I have tried it several times before, many times in fact, and it always ends up making me feel so depressed about the state of humanity because the majority of them seem to either be already married, only after sex, flakey and disappear without explanation, rude, misogynistic, chauvinistic and the attractive educated gentlemanly ones I like don’t seem too bothered about me I guess because they have the pick of the bunch. If good men exist they don’t seem to be on online dating sites, but despite trying lots of activities over the years I just have never met anyone single where there is that mutual interest. I’ve had several boyfriends in the past and been on a lot of dates but now it’s like all my options have dried up leaving me contemplating the hell that is online dating unless I want to live the rest of my life as a lonely old spinster. 🙁
Anyway sorry to be a moaner today and thanks for listening.
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Hey Sunshine, i think youre looking for someone else to make you happy and until you change your mind set, that you can make you happy, i think you may encounter problems. Please don’t take this the wrong way because for decades i believed that the answer to all my problems would be a wonderful man but now i know that i have the solutions to all my problems. I know how to make myself happy. Ive been single x years and each year i feel more empowered, more confident. I use dating sites as a way of meeting interesting people, to improve my social skills and if it goes any further then that would be good but at the moment im just enjoying the journey. Several coffee dates and several dinners out. Still single but im making me happy, noone else x one other thing i wanted to say was that to the outside world i had it all. Good job, child, successful husband, lovely home (guilded cage). Behind closed doors i was raped and traumatised almost daily towards the end by my husband. Never judge a book by its cover x maybe try some youtube motivational videos etc. Hang in there x
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Hi Kip thank you,
You’re right, I think I ended up with my abuser for that very reason – wanting a man to come and sort out my life, as embarassing as that sounds. I’m an educated woman with a feminist mindset but have had a lot of problems with depression and anxiety and connected unemployment and after years of struggles and loneliness it’s easy to think a nice kind, stable man would give me the peace and stability I have struggled to give myself. I just seem to struggle with being happy.
But as you say it needs to come from within. I just haven’t figured out how yet. Calls have started to come through for agency work and I am struggling with anxiety so haven’t accepted any work yet. I have a lot of bad memories from previous jobs and find some workplaces so hostile and awful that I feel like I need to be strong to accept work, but years have gone by now and I also feel like I need to be brave and just give it a try again, most part time work is better than being unemployed (apart from the work that gives me panic attacks and makes me want to kill myself).
I always get this terrible gut wrenching feeling in my stomach whenever I am in a relationship, or even when I see a new couple get engaged. I think deep down I actually have some sort of fear of love and commitment because I have left all of the men I have dated (mostly for good reason, but I do fear that I am somehow incapable of love).
I’ve been trying to find a relationship and abuse specialist counsellor because I think I have some deep routed issues with love and relationships that I haven’t yet been able to figure out. I’m due to start the Power to change course soon so hopefully this will be a step in the right direction.
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Have you thought of starting with a job that doesnt make you stressed. Whatever that me be. Dog walking, supermarket, call centre, cleaning. Just baby steps to start with? Its not embarassing to say you wanted a man to come into your life and sort things out. Its partly societal i think. The knight in shining armour etc. Well we are our own knights in shining armour lol x
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Hi sunshine,
its okay to share those feelings. I know what you mean. I was abused by my mum and when my husband says about his mum being loving and nice and how he could tell how much she loved him when she tucked him up in bed at night I feel like crying lol! I of course am so relieved and happy he had such a good relationship but boy does it emphasise i do not with my mum and dad!
Though like you said yourself you cannot tell on surface appearances what someones relationship is and like kip says we have to love ourselves first.
My husband is lovely and non abusive but i definately over rely on him to solve my problems and in the past thought he could fix everything. In fact my most recent post is about that very subject. But now i am learning since leaving my abusive relationship with my parents that even though its perfectly okay to go for support to my husband and his family I can also look after myself and make decisions for myself and get a job.
I think you are doing great and it sounds really positive the steps you are taking and the power to change course will really help im sure.
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