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Hello, I’m (detail removed by Moderator) and I’m (detail removed by Moderator) , been married (detail removed by Moderator) yrs and I don’t want to leave him but I do need support to cope with what’s happening.
He’s is manipulative and abusive, but it’s safer for me and kids that I stay with him. And if I leave then he’ll have no one at all, he only has me and he relys on me. Yes I know he relies on me for feeling like he has control, but isn’t it better that I try to show him the love he craves whilst also preventing him from hurting others lives (he has divorced (detail removed by Moderator) times already – arranged married, i didn’t know abut the exs then – I can’t subject someone else to that). Hes not a bad man, he never hits us, he is kind when it serves him, takes us on holidays, plays with the kids when he has the energy, been there for every birth, supporting, and is a dutiful lover and when you’re under his control he is a kind taskmaster (he has a way of getting you to do stuff for him and making it seem like it’s your own choice but it’s easier to just go with it, less headaches for everyone). I am sure I can handle the guilt trips and such. I just need to find a way to deal with the stress/anxiety whilst also not loosing myself or letting the kids get hurt – they are my #1 priority.
I have no family or friends I can turn too, in our culture (even though I live in west now) divorce is bad for women and I can’t work or anything cos of health. He also has a kid to his ex that, if I leave him, won’t have anyone to show them love but their neglectful mum and manipulative dad. They need me too, everyone relies on me. It’s not easy but if I do better to sort myself out then I think I can manage, at least until kids are old enough that they don’t need me to look out for them.Only problem is that I think my husband notices that I’m not as under is thumb as blindly as I used to be, he has been guilting me about my limitations (he threaten to kill himself (detail removed by Moderator) and I told him that if he tried then I’d leave him for good cos it was a limit for me), since he asked about what other limits I had, which I told him (things like being hit and making me scared, normal stuff I think) honestly – I can’t lie to him – and he’s been alternating between pityfests, sulky silent treatments, guilt trips, etc. I haven’t had a good night sleep in weeks, months even, and I’ve been sick with headaches, shakes, etc. I assume cos of anxiety. I’m just waiting for it to pass, he’ll come back down to being nice and normal again soon, I just have to keep sane and try not to trigger him and serve him when I do. It’s only for a few years, until kids grow up. I can play the happy obedient wife until then, for the kids sake, all of them.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Have you got any coping advice for me maybe?
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Hey Hun
Sending u hugs, no one deserves to live a life of abuse, i was trapped in a abusive marriage for (detail removed by moderator)years and it was pure hell, i too used to say to myself keep going for the children, dont break the family unit, personaly was my biggest mistake, just wasted my own life and became ill in the process and kids are impacted so much emotionally. I thought i was protecting the kids , but even if u r getting beaten up in the next room, or just living in a hostile environemnet is horrible and i didnt even realsie how it impacted kids, yes i knew it used to scare them when he had a temper rage, but didint realise how that fear felt for them, i felt so bad when kids told me after i had left, we never used to know if u were going to come out of the room alive, just feels like one whole big nightmare which i survived. How do u cope you ask, suppose we go into denial, say its not that bad, make excuses, just take it so we think pour lives can be easier as challenging infuses them, but really we have to contact support agencies in d v and reach out for help. These men put their responsobilties on to us, they will and do cope even after we have left, as fro the other child from previous marriage, not sure if u could take the child with u but how about inform social services of the neglect his at risk off, call the help line and chat to them
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Hello faithandlove,
Welcome to the forum! Please do try the helpline when you find a safe time to phone them. Your situation sounds very controlling and claustrophobic. It sounds you are living a compromised existence where everything is manageable just as long as you do exactly what he says when he says it. You and the children deserve to be free and happy. I do respect what you say about it being safer for you to stay with him and you know him best but the helpline and possibly Muslim Women’s Network Helpline could help you too. The helpline number is at the top of the page and Muslim Women’s Network Helpline can be contacted on 0800 999 5786
Please give them a ring and let us know how you get on. Please do be careful and don’t let him know you are starting to access support and are considering your options. Hide your trails and get support from the helpline in to some safety planning as you already mention that you suspect that he has noticed his control is slipping and your eyes are being opened to his abuse and control and he will not like that.
We are all here for .
Best wishes,
Lisa
Forum Moderator
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