Want to leave

That sounds rubbish 🙁 I think this is most parents’ nightmare.

Is it mainly about technology? I mean maybe that’s there way of coping with witnessing the abuse? Maybe once they get access to counselling/therapy they won’t need to be online or on the phone to talk to their mates or online friends so much? Plus stuff like twitter/facebook is super addictive. Maybe once they’re away from their dad and you can talk properly to them about how they’re feeling you can put leechblock/StayFocusd on their laptops for a few hours? It’s an add-on you can use with Firefox/Chrome to stop you going on certain websites for a few hours.

As for what’s happening now I’d ring the helpline as I have no idea about leaving with several children. Is your partner financially controlling or could you see a relationship counsellor by yourself or with children if you needed to? I’d be worried about trying to leave with your older kids in case they told their dad, but obviously I don’t know if that’s the case.

I think that once they’re away from him they can learn how to treat women again. They won’t be exposed to inappropriate behaviour everyday and they can see how you and your friends treat each other or how their friends’ parents treat each other. I’ve always learnt how to act from other people, I know some people are less sponge-like than I am, but I think being around less toxic people will do them so much good. And the sooner the better. Maybe get them to look at The Hideout or something like that so they can see that what your partner does isn’t acceptable in other relationships?

I’m not much help and don’t want to give you awful advice by accident but I hope you get yourself out soon. I’m sure talking to WA will help x

Sorry to hear about what is happening, it sounds really stressful and no wonder you prefer being at work. I don’t think they will always treat you like this if you leave and set a new set of house rules which are then stuck to and carried out. They need to have rules and boundaries so that they understand what behaviour is and is not acceptable and that there are consequences to rule breaches. As well as rewards for good behaviour that are also consistently carried out – positive behaviour management.

The most important thing is to follow up on your word, e.g if you say ‘no laptop after 8pm’ or whatever it is, always always always follow through on this and remove the laptop at this time, otherwise they will learn that the rules are not really rules and that you don’t really mean it. It sounds like they are currently copying the bad behaviour of your partner but it will help greatly when they are away from him because at the moment he is undermining any attempts you make to set boundaries and rules and therefore undoing all your good work.

Once you have left, it might be a good idea to involve them in setting some rules, the way trainers do on a training day. Write down your rules first as you are their mother and the one in charge. You could do it on a big sheet of paper with colourful pens. Don’t do lots of rules, just a manageable amount, say between 5 and 10 (depending on their age and understanding). Then go through the rules with them but do it as a shared task where at the end they are allowed to add a rule too, usually children have a good sense of right and wrong and they actually like boundaries and rules as it makes them feel safe and they know where they stand. You want them to feel part of the task and like they have set the rules too and you are all involved in maintaining a happy home.

You also ideally need a reward system in place so that it doesn’t feel negative and that they understand that if they play their part and are well behaved they will be rewarded with something important to them. You could try a star chart or something similar, have a look online and make it appropriate for their age and the rewards something they enjoy (doesn’t have to be monetary, it could be going to the park or baking chocolate muffins with mum) so that it motivates them. This really helps encourage positive behaviour and nurtures a healthy positive relationship between you whilst maintaining boundaries.

I think these abusers deliberately anti parent. They love to stir things up, sit back and watch the fall out. Parents should work together and back each other up. At least when you are away from your abuser you won’t have him undermining you. It will be your rules, your boundaries. Can you have him removed from your home using a civil order? Ring Rights for Women for some legal advice x

Hey HUn

Call the nspcc for advice, when u do leave all kids react differently, it is still hard work, u have to do alot of work on changing their habits but it can be done, just not overnight , it took me over 2 years , dont want to scare u , but all the way in the process u see slow changes, i had to constantly repeat the same message that dont tolerate abuse, they still threw abuse at me , but today my son that abused me the most, has changed so much in a positive way, we are so close now, is till have work to do with him and my youngest , but thats part of the journey.When u live together without ex, incoprporate new rules in house , work togehter as a team but still be the parent and take as much support as u need