- This topic has 4 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 8 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
I am doing ok in my new place, getting things done. There are some hiccups like the council losing all of my evidence for housing benefit which is stressful, and their helpline is never, ever available which makes it feel worse and makes me feel powerless. I will have to go into see them again and queue up but it is stressful that I did that already and they managed to lose my documents, doesn’t give me much faith in them. Maybe a letter would be better? And the other evening I heard some neighbours have really loud sex which was really triggering for me and reminded me of my cheating ex. It really made me feel very depressed and set me off on a downward spiral. It made me think that in future I want to live somewhere where I have fewer neighbours who are further away, I don’t care what people do in bed but I definitely don’t want to be able to hear it, yuck 🙁
Anyway, what I wanted to ask you ladies about is how to handle this new neighbour who has started to freak me out a bit. I think I mentioned him before. When I moved my furniture in he appeared at his door and offered to help me when the delivery men had gone. This was an instant red flag to me as I know abusers love to ‘help’ you as it breaks down a boundary and makes you indebted to them. I politely declined and forgot about him. A few days later I was coming back from the shops at 9pm and he suddenly appeared at his window and yet again, offered to help, this time in pitch black. It startled me and seemed inappropriate. I declined again.
Since then, I have started to get concerned because 9 times out of 10 when I arrive or leave he suddenly appears, whether it is 10am or 2pm or night time. He just appears on the road walking his dogs. He either walks them up and down the road past my house about 4 times a day at the exact same times I am arriving or leaving (which is all different times) or he is be watching for me. I really hope to god that he isn’t as I don’t need another one of these fools to deal with after getting rid of my harassing ex only recently.
Last night I got back from my parents at 11.30pm, parked up and was bringing things into my house (it’s a terraced so no drive). There was not a soul in sight. I had to make two trips to my car and to my absolute horror just as I was gathering up my things he suddenly appeared with his dogs fast approaching my gate and said ‘hi’ to me. It scared the living daylights out of me and I virtually ran into my house. Fair enough he might be harmless but he gives me the creeps and it’s got to be more than coincidence that every single time I arrive or leave he is there either outside or looking out his window? I don’t even know the guy, he is way way way too overfamiliar. The only other explanations I can think of for his behaviour are that he might be the street busybody with no job and just monitors everyone, or that he might be a drug dealer because I have smelt cannabis coming from his house and noticed a rough looking couple banging on his door one time.
So my question is how do I deal with him? So far I have said polite but clipped ‘hello, no thank you’ type responses. But I am starting to think this is encouraging him so am thinking about just blanking him completely? I don’t know the guy at all and do not want him in my life in any way shape or form. I just wish he would b****r off and leave me alone. I feel angry that women have to deal with these sorts of people, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be offering help to a 50 year old 6 foot gruff man at 9pm at night. It’s difficult because he always startles me as he just suddenly appears and I am aware that this reaction makes me look extra timid and vulnerable, but it’s an instinctive fear-based response so I’m not sure how to change it.
-
Hello,
I got for me a personal alarm, which I put to my key, or randomly in my bag, or pocket. This makes me feel safer. You pull it, and it starts to make big noise. I bought it on amazon, they are not expensive, around 5 £. I have two of them at the same time. I have learned it is better to be safe than sorry. if one i was not able to reach quick, I always think I will have second chance to reach other.
If you feel that he is creepy, follow your guts. I remember how creepy i felt with mood swings from ex, first he love me so much, and then big outburst of anger. In very beginning I even finished the relationship, but he begged to give him other chance, it was my mistake. I should have cut him out at this very moment, changed my number, changed my address, and never look back.
And usually when we feel not good with someone, it is a red flag, you have nothing to do with this man, just say, i’m busy, sorry, I need to go.
A man who is always at home and nothing to do, dangerous sign. Good men work and do business, not observing women in the neighbourhood. -
Hi Selfidges,
Thank you for your reply and for the validation, it really helps. You’re right, I also thought it was weird and a bad sign that he is home all day every day and never seems to have anything else to do except walk his dogs and spy on the neighbours.
I actually bought one of those personal alarms but haven’t put it on my keyring yet as I was worried I would set it off by accident in my handbag and cause a scene, but you’re right, I will put it on my keys tonight and it will help me feel a bit safer. It annoys me that I now feel worried about going to and from my car especially at night as this man ALWAYS turns up. I am a night owl so often potter around at night and lately have had a lot of things to bring to charity which I tend to load up in the car in the evening so I am ready to go the next day. I am going to practice standing firm and being coolly assertive the next time he turns up and not feel the need to be polite. I wondered today whether self defense classes might help, I think my body language might be a bit timid/lacking in confidence due to abuse and bullying so bad people think they can take advantage of me. Maybe some self defense classes would give me confidence and also be something social to do as well as give me a few tools in case any men do try to assault me.
I had the same experience with my ex that you did. He seemed lovely on our first few dates, really polite and gentlemanly and patient and sweet, I felt so lucky and like I’d finally found a good man, but after the first time I was intimate with him I saw a different side to him. He turned kind of cold, rude and mean and I also found his dating profile still online after he said he’d deleted it. I felt suspicious of him, thought something was ‘off’ about him and I ended things with him. Unfortunately he was such a good actor that I believed his explanation for it and he convinced me to keep seeing him which I did until I realised I was in an abusive relationship and became scared of him. He did a lot of awful things to me and I now suffer every day with PTSD like symptoms (maybe PTSD but I’m not diagnosed). Being with him has given me so many issues and made me very jumpy and scared and unable to trust people especially men. But, we live and learn and this was one important, extremely painful traumatic lesson. I am trying to use the lesson to improve my life, it’s so hard but hopefully we will get there.
-
Hi SRF
This would worry me too. We really need to start trusting out gut. He may be harmless, he might have a wee fancy for you or he may be dangerous. You just don’t know. Trust your gut and keep your distance. Granted that’s very difficult when he suddenly appears next to you!
I know this is really annoying but maybe alter your routine. Don’t pack your car at night. Yes I know, why should you change but avoidance is key here. Have your phone and your personal alarm with you at all times. You’ll probably meet other people in your street and maybe strike up friendships. Who knows. I think just continue to say no thanks, no time, or blank him. You owe him nothing after all. Or maybe if you see him first get your phone out and pretend you’re in deep conversation. (I’m just trying to think of how you can avoid him). Hopefully he’ll go away. If you feel threatened tho get some support. Have you got friends or family that can visit you? If so, get them round for a cuppa, dinner etc. Make him see you’re not alone.
-
Hello, Sunshine rain flower,
Whatever happen to us, we need to find the best way out for us. Learn new ways of life and long term protection, so we will not fall in the same trap. Finding the ways to recognise them. If he is abusive and simple man, he can play, but you are able to recognise him faster. When you get very intelligent, who plays serious mind games, you are in much more trouble. He will play you so, that you can really start think you are the mad person. One of the biggest sign is he is cutting you out from all the social life, until you have only one person to communicate, it is him.
I want to share my experience with women, so they will not be in a situation or horrible experiences.
With the alarm, it happen to me once by accident, but I did not worry about it. People can think what they want, it is for my own protection. I have been not once in the situation, when I wish I had it on me.
For me is very important to heal my heart, my soul, to feel the value in me as a person.
When our spirit is strong, abusers find us too hard to break and they choose who is vulnerable since the very begging.
If you feel self protection will make you feel more secure, then start to learn it. Do all what you think is going to make you feel well and secure.
Also I heard about one application – hollie guard. If you feel you are in danger, you start to shake the phone, and it send the location where you are to the trusted person.
Since (detail removed by Moderator) I was hiding from ex, who moved to (detail removed by Moderator), in (detail removed by Moderator) plenty people who can kill or throw acid into your face, just paying little money. He was making me such treats, that I do not know what will be in the corner.
Plus before he was living in (detail removed by Moderator) too, he can hire someone easily to harm me. He is the type who will play it smart way. He had a wicked mind.
Abusers not only abusive, but they are very skilled manipulators.
I was able to go to my family, luckily no one knew the location, it was a bit of distance. (detail removed by Moderator) years passed for me – I was so afraid that I did not take the rental agreement on my name, or bills, or council tax, I was so scared that he will find me. Even the bank account which he knew, i closed.
I was not able to start the business, as I know he can look my name and find me this way. Or to take a job, as my details can appear on internet.
But now I found the way, I will be adding a name to my current name, in a legal way. If I will start any project which I will need to present to the world, it will be under new name.
Unfortunately the abuse from men, it did not happen once, somehow I was attracting them.
This time I’m really hope I do the work on me, so I will change the pattern for this.
Fingers crossed, you will be happy with time, you will find the comfort with yourself!
One big step we did, we left it behind, and working on a new chapter in life.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
