My Story

There must be a good choice of freshly prepared food at home. No ready made, no made from frozen. Only the food he likes, diesn’t matter children will not eat it. And anyway, no guarantee he will eat it. I am throwing away the food i was preparing because nobody is eating it.

He is telling all the time he like women with a big bust. When he sees Keira N..ly, he always is saying – oh, look, woman with no bust. My bust is small. I am fine with it, I am slim and fit and like my body. But he told me many times, that i will need to put breast implants. Even i told him i don’t want to do this. I think if the surgery wouldn’t cost so much he would push me to do this finally.

i do bookkeping for his company, doesn’t count. I do all paperwork if required, doesnt count. Last year he didn’t cut the grass in the garden even once. He never cleaned toilet. He never go to school plays etc.

i am recording what he us telling me on the phone. Sometimes i cannot do this, but i catched a couple of nice conversations.

He tell me often “Listen, woman”
He tells I will not find good job, because I am immigrant. I have to go and work to manufacturing or to clean vegetables in some restaurant.

so many details removed from my story, quite difficult to understand it now )

he doesn’t move out. I don’t have where to go. I can’t get any help from the council until i owe the house. I am checking all the possibilities now, have several legal appointments this week, but still no clear way for me.
I need to sell the house. I will get some money from it but not too much as i need to return deposit to my mum. I cannot take another mortgage, my income is too low! I would like to rent the house in private sector to keep the children in the same school (which is very good), i will find the money for deposit and a few months of rent and bills, i will need to apply for benefits then and wait some time (i do not receive anything because hus income is high). But my income is too low to rent a property 🙁
I don’t want to go to refuge or similar place with my children, but unfortunatelly i haven’t find a solution yet 🙁

Serenity, thank you!
i have met very nice woman in our citizen advice bureau, she is so helpful! i had already one appointment with the solicitor specializing on property law, not a bug choice as the house is in mortgage. I can win some time with occupational order, but I really dont want to involve the police and ss. Anyway, I will have another appointment regarding occupational order exactly.
I can resolve property and child maintenance question until apply for discree absolute (final divorce), so I have time. Details were removed, but he signed the papers I asked to sign when he was in a good mood.
I will meet council also, over the phone they told me some strange things like i have to call to another council, that i cannot get accomodation in the same town. There was a man on a phone, he really didn’t understand me. Advised to work out on my relationship first. Very clever. I will go and meet somebode face to face this week, will see.

I tried to call women’s right, couldn’t reach them. I cannit call from 7 to 9pm, he may be at home.

hi SunshineRainflower,
Thank you!
It may be sounds that I am strong, I am just trying to be. I don’t want to be a victim anymore. But this everything, humiliation, abuse, this will be with me forever. i felt so often like he just raped me even he didn’t, and I was confused, because it looked like the only thing he is doing wrong – telling bad words and shouting. he was so nice often! Bringing the flowers, kissing me gently, telling how beautiful I am, making gifts. But next day he could tell he didn’t have to make this gift because I am not worth it. This game is so destructive!
he could shout at me if I didn’t answer the phone for the first time. Or I’ve eaten something he bought for himself (I didn’t know). Or I told him to turn left when he turned right. Some stupid things. And he is always finding somebody is guilty and responsible for his mistakes! I am just wondering how he could build connections between his fault and somebody else. Always this is not his fault. he is very aggressive when driving if sees that somebody is not respecting him on the road. This was the only thing I was scared of – when he is making dangerous driving with me and our kids in the car, showing “fu..k” from his window to another driver and swearing.
Another thing I found in internet about abusers, that is common to them – they like to spoil birthdays, Christmas and all other nice moments in your life. This happened so often to me! That’s because they don’t want victims to have anything bright and nice in their life. they feeling bad when the victim is happy.

Thank you!
I feel quite stable emotionally, I am even happy most of the time. Like a big and heavy weight dropped finally.
I have read very good book and this finally put all the things on their places, I understood, why I am unhappy and suffering so much. But this book is more oriented to you, what you can do and need to do to become free and never be trapped again. Because the problem is that we are choosing these men. For me – no doubts, as both my husbands were abusers. The problem is in us, why don’t we run away straight away when we see first signs, why we do not trust our own feelings, why we continue these relationship even when the abuse has happened so many times. There are a lot of women who would stop relationship straight away. But we didn’t. And the answer is that we are choosing these men.
Until we understand the reasons there is a big chance we will make same mistakes again and again.
I’ve found the answers for myself in this book.

there are 6 rules given you need to follow to get free
The rules appear quite simple at first:
Do only what you want to.
Don’t do something you don’t want to.
Speak up straight away if you don’t like something.
Don’t give an answer unless you are asked a question.
Answer only the question you have been asked.
When you are in an argument, speak only about yourself.

I started to follow them and my husband became very unhappy about this 🙂 When he was shouting at me I just was asking – have you finished? This was so funny to see he is trying to find more and more arguments to threaten me, but they just didn’t reach me! That’s why I stopped crying and stopped to be a victim. I understood he has no power on me anymore.

Another thing which helps a lot i am saying to myself very often – I don’t care.
I don’t care I will loose my dream house, this is just a house
I don’t care we will need to move to the worse place, we will be happy there
I don’t care my relatives will think i am breaking another family – i will tell them the true
I don’t care i will need to do everything by myself – i am already doing it

and so on

This helps me to break all the bonds, to become more strong and no to be scared.

lover of no contact, thank you!
I am so happy I’ve found this forum with all these stories and people confirming that nothing is wrong to me!
That this is not my fault and I couldn’t change anything.
My mantra really helps ) I was crying a month ago when I just imagined that strange people will come to my house, will walk on my carpets, enter my bedroom to decide do they want to buy this house or not ) But than i decided this is good lesson for me, I value material things too much. When decorating the house, painting the walls, designing the rooms – this was my way to escape the reality. I was building my own house, but I forgot it is not only mine.
So I will be downgrading now. I try to remember that I still will have deposit money, (detail removed by moderator), I will find some job or will start new business, and in 2-3 years will be able to buy another house, just mine.
For me it is very important to calculate all my next steps. To see the target. Then everything goes easier.

I just had and estate agent.
he gave me the estimated price and explained all the steps. I told him we are separating and i will need to move to rented property.
He advised not to move out until the house is sold. He told everything may be cancelled till the last day (exchange) by any of the sides. My husband told me he wants to sell the house, but he can change his mind any moment. He has signed the agreement about the sale, but only the court can put him to move out if he won’t. This is so difficult!
The sale process can take around 3 months if everything goes well. But if not?
I am not sure I want to stay in the same house with him for such a long time!

This was very painful meeting for me, I’ve remembered how long we were looking for the house, how we were happy when we found it and bought, we were feeling so lucky!

The good news are that they will arrange viewing and will provide people who will come with disposable shoe covers ))

I have had very good legal advise today.
Solicitor came well prepared, she gave me details of solicitors who could help me with legal aid, I wrote email to them. But even if they can’t, she gave me the form I can fill myself (or print from gov website) and apply for occupational order. This will give me the time and possibility stay in the house until it is sold.
Another thing she told me I don’t need to report him to the police. I can go straight to the court, i can apply for emergency, but she told they usually deal with occupational order quickly. She told this would cost nothing for me, is free.
My husband wants to go on holidays to his country and wants to take my youngest with him. I have allowed first, but after I found he is abusing us, I have changed my mind. He always is and was caring about the kids, but everything is very serious now for me and I want to control the situation.

He told me he wants to separate asap, but he will not move out. He told I don’t have to cook for him anymore. And was angry I have invited estate agent while he wasn’t at home. He told that nobody can come to the house when he is not at home. He also told that he probably will need to find solicitor for himself as it looks like I am becoming tricky.

We had one incident, a couple of years ago. Actually they were 2 one after another, I don’t remember exactly when it was.
First time he hit my face with his coat he was holding in his hand. My son was sleeping on my hands at this moment.
Second time he hit my leg by his leg when I was sitting at the table. He told then he wanted to hit the table not me.
Does it count as physical abuse?
Nothing like this since that.

SunshineRainflower
Thank you! You are right – I will make my own nice place anywhere, we’ve rented a flat before we bought this house and it never looked like rented property.

He hit me with his coat with a purpose, not just accidentally. I was very tired with the kids, I was breastfeeding each of them for a very long time. My youngest couldn’t sleep without me.
This was his idea I must have a rest and watch some series on TV. I was with my little one on my hands, other kids sleeping. i told him it will be dark in the house when I’ll finish and i will need help getting upstairs with the baby. he told me to text him and he will come and help me, he will be upstairs waiting for my text. i have finished watching the film and text him. Nobody responded. I called and he came down very angry. looked like he fell asleep and I woke up him. He was very angry running around and shouting at me that I am relaxing all the time but he cannot have e rest while working all the days around. A lot of other words, i don’t remember now. I couldn’t answer him because I had my son sleeping on my hands, I was still sitting on a sofa. he then went to the hall, was going to go outside to smoke, took his coat, but then changed his mind and came back. probably i told something to him because he just hit me with his coat holding in his hand – into my face. This was quite painful and very shocking for me, I just became wordless.

I’ve had appointment regarding council housing today, no good news for me. I cannot get council house because I owe property. I cannot move out and get council benefit because I owe property. Even when the house will be sold I will not be able to get any of these because I will have some money (capital).

I talked to solicitors today over the phone, will go for appointment on Monday. They are not sure completely if I qualify for legal aid, I must prove domestic abuse and I must prove my low income.

I still have the feeling the system doesn’t work for me, but I am fighting with the system.

All I got are just advises, phone numbers and options. But still no real help. I still have to do everything by myself – sell the house, apply for occupational order to the court, find a house to move in and rent it on a private market – find guarantor, deposit money. No difference at all – I am abused or just want to separate.

Just wondering why all these organisations exists, are budget funded if i still have to do everything by myself?

And I still have the feeling that would be better if there would be some physical violence involved with some significant causes so everybody could see them. Nobody is interested in preventing. Like this is not serious enough to do something, come back when he will break you arm or kill you, then we will be happy to help.
i know that there are a lot of good people in this system as well, but something is wrong in this process.

The week was quite because he comes home usually when kids go to beds and it is easy for me not to meet him and not to talk to him.
Yesterday he didn’t come, this was such a nice calm evening. I’ve ordered pizza for me and children.
He came late night.
In the morning today I’ve already got a portion of rebukes because I’ve ordered the pizza he doesn’t like. He told me that I live by him (on his money), that I spend his money on s**t, nobody allowed me to take his money. he told that I have to eat all the remaining pizza now otherwise I will not go to the shop anymore.
He noticed I am recording this conversation and became angry, was trying to take my phone. He told me that I am provoking him.
But even he is angry, I can see it now, he is controlling himself. He thinks that he can threatening me, telling all these awful things, anything, until he hit me he doesn’t do anything bad. He is completely sure he is allowed to behave in such a way.
I’ve started to write all these episodes (like a diary), what he says, what i feel. In English, because we talk in different language. I even don’t know if all my voice records count, they’ll need to be translated.

I found that the worst stage of abuse is not “violence”, but “honeymoon”.
I feel like I am going crazy.
Doubts and guilt. I wish he is always the person shouting at me and saying terrible words, I wish to be 100% sure I do the right things.
But this would be too easy.
Yesterday he was perfect father and looked like nothing is going on.
I started to think I am overreacting and may be it’s not too late to try again. May be this was my fault as well not only his. May be I still want to be with him.
This all makes me mad, because another part of me understands that these are my dreams only and will never come true.
He looked happy and calm, but I was nervous and unhappy yesterday.
Today I understood that I need to be faraway from him, this is the only way to stabilise myself.