What obstacles are stopping you (or stopped you) from leaving the abusive cycle)

i agree, religious beliefs are very important too.
We got married in our local church, the priest was such a nice person who helped us a lot. We have moved to another town and i didn’t see him for a while, I have thought I need to send him an email. But I have read recently that domestic abuse is a reason to end the marriage in a front of God, and I am feeling much much better now.

Marriage is a covenant;
divorce is the breaking of
that covenant. When a man
chooses to be abusive, he
breaks the covenant. If his
wife chooses to divorce him,
she is making public his
breaking of the covenant,
not going against what the
Bible says about divorce.

Finance, mortgage, children, not trusting to my own feelings, fear of obscurity.

I think I am quite similar, fear of being alone, worrying about losing the house, worrying about him trying to take the kids, and this feeling of guilt worrying about if he will do something stupid or feeling bad when he sat there crying. But now I’ve taken a step bk I realise these aren’t really reasons. Yes financially it might be abit complicated but there is plenty of help sorting that out, yes I feel lonely but it a million times better to the dread of what drunken state I would find him in, and like I’ve realised thanks to the things ppl have put on this, the tears, the suicide threats, r exactly that. Empty threats to get me, who has been far to kind and sympathetic to someone who sees this, me as like a game a puppet he can control, just he made out I was in the wrong!!! Now I’ve had a few weeks without him yes I’m still getting used to it and the next few weeks months will be hard, I can slowly see the light at the end of the tunnel,and and the kids being happy and free.

It took me a really, really long time to recognise what was happening and to name it as abuse (I guess this was denial). In a way I felt brainwashed. My mental health issues were a part of this. And general fear that I couldn’t cope by myself :/

Like duvetday it took me a long time to realize the abuse. The physical abuse is what got me to leave but I didnt recognize most of the other forms of abuse until I left. So confusion and ignorance were probably the biggest obstacle in regards to my leaving.
Finances, lack of support, feeling obliged to help him because I cared.
It’s nice to realize my brain is not as foggy as it was when i first left.

What kept me trapped temporarily before ending things was:

– Remembering how wonderful and lovely he had seemed at the beginning, I felt incredibly lucky to have met him and he stood out as a ‘quality man’ in a sea of dreadful awful idiots I had met before him
– I had been single for ages, I felt so depressed every time I was on the dating site, I wanted to give it a go with someone rather than keep going on endless dates
– Fear of being single forever, never finding anyone, never having a family of my own (still have this fear)
– Trauma Bonding – I started to realise he wasn’t how he seemed at first but by then I was emotionally attached and still didn’t see the abuse and mostly blamed myself for the problems
– I have OCD, anxiety and depression and so don’t always fully trust my own thoughts
– I blamed my bad gut feelings on my own anxiety and thought I had an attachment disorder
– He used my OCD diagnosis and blamed everything on that as well as lying, denying, minimising and gaslighting to stop me from seeing the truth
– Fear of being alone, loneliness, I 100% didn’t want to return to being single after finally finding someone I liked and vice versa, it felt very cruel that I had ‘finally found’ someone for them to be taken away
– Feeling like I was too old, not attractive or slim enough to meet anyone else
– I had no idea I was being abused until the end when I started to google his behaviour and it kept coming up with articles about emotional abuse, coercive control and psychopaths

Most of it was fear.

Things sadly stopping me leaving :

– Finance

– children together

– Shame

– fear

– Change is hard

Fear of upsetting the apple cart, breaking the family apart, me doubting myself, fear of being on my own, coping financially and his threats of suicide made as I end the relationship…how could I risk that, the children’s father, he is loosing control and trying every trick in the book….it’s hard to find the strength

Denial, hope, obligation because he was ill trying to ‘fix him’. Wanting the relationship to succeed. Financial dependence.

Fear. Of more than one thing but whenever I’ve felt some confidence enough to leave, the major obstacle for me is (lack of) housing. I’m terrified of ending up homeless. It nearly happened some years before I met him and I ended up living with my parents. They used to be abusive and it was horrible living there again. I’m scared of what it will be like in a refuge, scared there won’t be a place available even if I had the confidence to try and go to one, and I’m scared of not having anywhere to go after that. I’ve lost more confidence now but a while back I tried to leave. The council pretty much laughed in my face because I’m from an expensive part of the country. I even tried other parts of the country although it’s terrifying because I haven’t the confidence to be in a strange area. The other areas told me they wouldn’t help me because I wasn’t from the area. No private landlord would take me because I’m not working. I have health issues but was able to work part-time but he’s made that too difficult. I’ve also become so dependant on him. He’s my world because I’ve got cut off my everyone else in my life and I’m dependant on him financially now. I’m also scared of what he might do if I leave.

I would say denial was the biggest factor for me. Until the abuse escalated at the end – I don’t think it even entered my head to leave. And if it ever did, I’m sure it would have been met with the same arguments as yours above in my head along with how?!. Just where would I start?

Even when I phoned the police – I don’t think I was thinking that this was the end of our marriage. I wasn’t thinking at all. It was pure instinct. It was pure self preservation. I was petrified of him.

It was only in the very short space of time, prior to having him arrested, that I gathered papers and items that I wanted to take with me. That I was planning to run. Even then I don’t think I really thought I was going to go through with it. I still kept telling myself it was all just going to blow over, eventually.

I know, looking back now, that I was unhappy for quite some years (pfft! one word to sum up feeling invalidated, scared, small, powerless, trapped, I could now go on and on!) but at the time could not put my finger on it. Even now, sometimes, it eludes me. But it was him. And the FOG he created that I just couldn’t see through far enough except to keep taking one step in front of the other… just to survive.

I guess my answer to the question is – I didn’t know.

* BLACKMAILING – he had something to blackmail me with, and was able to control me with, as it was causing me lots of fear and distress, like nothing else. making me to do things, forcing me to do things, which i never wanted.

* when I got to know a younger man and very attractive, at this moment we already split up on my part! He was trying so hard to win me back, that i gave up. I got in to the relationship again with him, but this younger man was also interested me and trying to contact me. What he did, he found this man email in mine, found his facebook and he blackmailed me to him, with my secret. Then he turned out this situation, convincing me that he did this out of great love for me.

*ISOLATION ! i lost any contacts with the rest of the world, my life become to one contact it is him. and his few people he knew. He never had any proper friends! Which was the weird thing from the very beginning. I should have paid an attention to it.

* DENIAL ! that it is all happening to me and I repeat my mother’s life with abusive man.

* not understanding that i’m in abusive relationship, whenever I try to leave, he would become nice. Showing some humanity. like will cook, even buy something, put his word, that i’m the most precious to him, he can not live without me, that he wants even to kill himself. It is all game to suck you in.

* SHAME ! I remember the look of people if he shout at me in front of the people, I remember how people look down at me when he spat on my face on the street in (detail removed by Moderator), for not willing to translate the email what my cousin wrote to me.
Since that accident, he cut my contact with her and ruined my relationship with her.

* FEAR ! Of your safety, of the impact how he can ruin your life. He gave me enough clarity and proof what he will do to me if I escape. this was not the first 18 months, but the 2/3/4 years. In every little detail he will tell me what he will do, and what out of my life will become, once he is finished.

* LOW SELF ESTEEM – when man mistreat you, makes you scared, makes you a doll for his pleasure and his benefits, you go down and down every day. This is what makes you feel trapped in the relationship too. I run away from this town, eliminating ALL and ANY possible ways EVER to find me. I was at the lowest point and magic happened to me, or I will do it now, or I will be forever trapped in this misery. that one more time he will play with his new girlfriend in (detail removed by Moderator), he will come for me and all repeats. I used this moment to RUN and MOVE and CUT ALL TIES ! As through the years the game was repeating the same pattern – be nice for short time, then being horrible. It was changing so suddenly and this is what stoping me to understand the flow. Because your mind is not getting it. One minute he is crying, how much he loves you, the other time he is so horrible to you. When he is bad, you hope he will return to his good moment. But good moment never was REAL! It is pretence to keep you trapped in this evil circle. And with time you so sucked in, like by the powerful hoover.

* FINANCE – by giving me little crumbs and promises now and then, he took much more from me! First my savings were gone. My money with what I came to UK and planned to pay for English and Master degree. By spending my savings I was left to total disposal. As how you will be independent, if the most vital money were lacking.
I had a luck, that before coming to UK, I had an account with savings in other country, about which one I never told him. And this did a great help for me. I always kept it there to use in case of really big emergency. All the money he knew what i had, he made use of it on one thing or other.

* CONTROL from his side. making sure i have no contact with anyone, who can support me. cutting people from me. like for example taking the sim card out of my phone, smashing my phone, throwing from the window. I can not remember how many phones i changed during this period.

* MAKING ME LOOK UGLY and the worst FEEL UGLY and NOT WORTH IT – forcing me to wear clothes from charity chop, when himself will buy good staff. He can have Rolex, but I can not have anything decent. Forcing me to wear old fashion clothes, which suits more to his mother than to me. and appropriate for this age, after (detail removed by Moderator), but not for (detail removed by Moderator) old girl. not allowing me to visit hair dresser, or to do anything to make feel good about me. made me to give away my good clothes, which was nice for me. Saying I do not have a body for it, and I should hide as it is so disgusting, so out of shape, so sagging and the rest. He made feel very ugly with time. I was totally destroyed as a person. This all done by mind games. I was normal, dress size 8/10. it is dangerous how they can play with your mind. One time he propose me with beautiful ring, shortly after he felt I plan to leave him, and at the end he treat me with many things, to give him beg. I gave back, I’m more than sure, may be he gave this ring to someone else to keep them around for a while.

* MAKING ME believe that there never will be a man, apart him who will be interested in me.

* HIS ANGER OUTBURSTS – that made me feel scared and to mentioned i want to leave. in the beginning when i was telling I want to stop the relationship. I get out and he becomes super nice. But after I was too scared to confront him by telling I want OUT! At the right moment I just ran away. I did not confront, I just ran and even now, I do not want that he ever will find out anything about me, or know anything about my life. NOTHING!

* FEAR of being alone – now i’m not longer afraid about it, i came to terms, better to be without a man, than with the abusive man. Life is so much better.

* NOT FINDING COURAGE to open and speak to someone, what is happening, and what is done to me. He tried to make it all good from outside. I blamed myself for what is happening to me, I felt responsible for it. He always put on me, that when he is shouting at me, calling me the names, treat me badly it is all my fault. As i do not do what I told! I do not obey his rules! And when I do not obey, he gave me the HELL.

* STOPPING ME from studies, from to do anything what I would like and enjoy. Stopping me to gain any little independence.
Making sure I will not success in anything. Telling me, I’m good to suck d**ks, that it is for what i’m useful.
Stopping me from developing.

When I’m so emotionally hurt, I cry, I’m numb, I could not feel my body and was doing self harm, to get back senses to my body. These was the moments when I’m easy let, easy manipulated. And during this relationship, I was in this condition, which made him to manipulate me with no effort. In the beginning he need to put lots of effort to control me and I was like fighting back, but then he won and took charge of me. I have learned this pattern and not letting anyone to make me feel bad in life. I tell myself stand now for yourself at this very exactly moment and do not let walk over you.

All the above posts tesimTe with me.

LONC: I would agree with all your points, but I would also add that Self-Blame ( in capital letters!) is what stopped me from going.

He was ultra good at blaming me/ other people and denying his own wrongdoing.

I don’t think it helped that he was very good with words and could construct a seemingly plausible case and argument, based upon absolute lies! This is the danger with conmen- they really can twist and manipulate. He’s not even British, yet his command of the English language is phenomenal.

It took me two or more years after getting out to properly stop pointing the finger at myself and realise that I’m not a bad person, like he wanted me to believe, and to properly lay the things he was guilty of at his feet ( and not think it was somehow, in some vague way, my fault).

There was no cycle.
There was just constant abuse.
I did not know where to get help.
I was an immigrant, trapped by a local man.
He spoke for me everywhere as if I had no voice and could not speak English. He silenced me before I could even open my mouth.And nobody noticed that.
Surprisingly I was able to work and talk at my workplace.
When I tried to get help I was discriminated sent away to reconcile and be humble because as an immigrant I have to be grateful for everything.
I could not have any free advice because I worked.
I found it difficult to get out of the house when I did not work because he controlled my every move.
He took my money on every payday as if I was his slave.
At work people were not friendly.
Many co-workers did not like immigrants.
Already frightened I was unable to ask anybody for advice.
I made one call to women’s aid one day and forgot to delete the number in the house phone. I did not realize until then how severely he spied on me. He checked my calls and rang the number to find out who that was. On that day I was severely violated.
I never did that again.
There was no information anywhere of how to find help with domestic abuse and I believed in the UK women have to put up with domestic abuse.
In my neighbourhood beating of women was a daily occurrence and so I normalized it for myself.
Until that special day, when I realized that I was as close to death as never before in my life….
I made a silent 999 call.
I was driven by my survival instincts. My fear had taken over and my will to live, there was no more rationale that I would consider.
I forgot about my concerns of becoming homeless, of losing all my things,…. I just wanted to get out of this alive.
That was the beginning of my fight for freedom.
I encountered obstacles in large numbers and I got through everything to tell the tale how s****y the journey was, how many racists found delight in my suffering, how I saw the true faces of people, how nasty people can be…
I am here.
I lost my trust in humanity.

Ayanna,
I’m so sorry you experienced such racism on top of the abuse from your abuser. We’re not all racist, but I know it’s frighteningly common in some areas. There’s still plenty of good people in the world. I think a lot of us are too afraid to speak out because we trying to survive and have trouble fitting in ourselves. Don’t give up on humanity just yet, this site for example seems full of kind, caring and understanding women.
As for the question what kept me trapped, I would have to say the majority of the things mentioned above in this amazing post.
I’ve been trapped from the very first time I was unlucky enough to meet him.
Like many of you I was a very shy teenager, who felt awkward, plain and just wanted to be loved. I was trying to end my current relationship as we were at totally different places and were very different people, but he was a really nice guy and treated me like a princess. I didn’t want to hurt him but neither did I want to let him guilt me into marriage. I agreed to friends, but that’s not what he wanted. Then I met my husband and told him I didn’t want to start a relationship, explained why etc. I was so busy trying to get out of the first relationship without being nasty, that I didn’t notice my husband blindsiding me into a serious relationship despite my wishes. He became my shoulder to lean on, saying he wanted me to have a little fun. He told

Sorry cut myself off,hopeless! What I was trying to say was he told me he didn’t want a serious relationship either, then said he wanted to buy me a piece of jewellery for Christmas. I kept trying to say no but he kept insisting and asked what I was short of. I said nothing really, I didn’t have a broach, but he said they were for old ladies. I said maybe a signet or cheap dress ring then. He dragged me through to the other room announcing to his parents that we were engaged!!! I tried gently saying I wasn’t ready for that when we were alone, but he convinced me it only meant we would be exclusive and not see anyone else. From that point on he had me believing his lies and totally trusted him. I was in total denial believing he loved me and would never lie to me, cheat the odd incident of physical abuse was so out of the blue and there was a lot of booze involved, when he told me it didn’t happen like I thought I believed him!!!
After that I was too ashamed that I had married him. No one would believe or understand why. I didn’t
So how could I tell anyone else? Like others have said I believed marriage was for life. He told me God didn’t recognise divorce and I’d be d****d to Hell and he’d never divorce me. I was his for all eternity. I went against my family’s advice and married him in the first place. It was all my fault and nothing I could do about it, I just had to make it work, make the best of a bad situation. Many, many times I’ve believed I couldn’t take any more. I would pray for guidance or the strength to endure his cruelty and cycles of abuse
I searched the Christian sites for answers, tried all their advice, but he never changed. Recently a Jehovers witness started calling round. He kept sending her away. If he was working I would talk to her. She left me leaflets with questions and where to find the answers in the Bible. There I found my answers. My vow to obey him was misinterpreted! Its supposed to be I vow to submit to your loving leadership. There’s nothing Loving about an abuser’s leadership. And God accepts divorce in the case of adultery, He also condemns abuse. So we can be free to be the free women God intended us to be. Free to grow to our full potential, no longer shackled and trapped. I’ve never had much confidence, self esteem etc but I watched a Christian video on YouTube telling abused woman that we have a duty to stop enabling them to abuse us and if that meant putting emotional or actual distance between you, then that’s what God wanted us to do. I am using this to free myself finally. I have no idea how I will manage having physical and mental health issues so I’m unable to work full time or at any stressful higher paid jobs, where I’ll live or survive. All I know is when he goes skiing next year I won’t be there when he comes home. I intend to be the woman God wants me to be, who ever that might be