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I broke up with child’s father fairly recently and at first he was being understanding and respectful about it. Very suprising but appreciated! He was more manipulative last time I tried to end things. He was no where near as bad as all the abusers described in this forum, my main problem with his behaviour was pressuring me to have sex (and memories of this “sex” after the pressure, it felt horrible!). Honestly though, I didn’t fancy him anymore, which I think is a good enough reason to leave without all the other problems, in addition to being angry with him with how he’s acted over the years. But he’d made a big effort to change, which I guess is rare and a good thing. So obviously I feel guilty being the bad one who wants to end things.
Anyway… he’s been much less understanding in the last week or so. Talks of “winning me back” and how lonely he is. I understand he’s going to be upset for some time, if not years, but why does he talk to his ex about it and barely anyone else about it? The only reason I’m anywhere near him is for our child. He wants to cuddle and act couply still and if I move his hand he acts offended/upset. Is this normal and I’m overreacting? I’ve not really had many break-ups from serious/healthy relationships and I’ve never been broken up with (where I wanted them back)… There’s another problem but I can’t go into detail here, so I’ll just see what you think of this situation so far. I guess on a positive note, he’s started admitting to most of the things he’s done wrong, stuff I haven’t really spoken about for ages with him, and wants to work things out… I just don’t want to. Am I out of order?
Thanks in advance x
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Google the cycle of abuse. He’s being nice because he’s trying to get what he wants. If you go total no contact and use a family member for handovers of child you will soon see the real him. My ex was all understanding while he thought he had me hooked in and could reel me back but as soon as I moved in with divorce and getting on with my own life which meant cutting him out of it he got nasty and violent. My advice is to go no contact. Most abusers make a big effort to change when they see we have had enough. It won’t last. No contact is the way forward. He’s not respecting your boundaries at all.
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It’s totally not normal or acceptable for an ex to try to have sex with you/kiss or touch you. It sounds like he is really trying to cross and violate your boundaries.
It also sounds like he behaved initially in a ‘reasonable’ way to manipulate you into feeling guilty so you’d allow further contact with him. If you can see it as pure manipulation it helps. I know it hurts to hear, but it is likely that he is not really hurt at all, just irritated that his possession (ie you) has left and wants to get it back, that’s how these men think. He’ll do anything to get back the power, including ‘admitting’ to mistakes, but it doesn’t mean he actually thinks that, they just say whatever they know we want to hear.
Don’t feel guilty or bad for ending things at all, you are protecting yourself. I strongly recommend no contact apart from arranging him seeing the children, which can be done through a third party. Because as you can see you are at risk of getting fooled by his mind games again and getting sucked back in.
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Thanks for the support. You are probably right – no contact is the best method, it’s a massive shame as we were getting along well before and child was coping well bc little had changed for them. My friend mentioned how important boundaries were recently, so I guess I’d better trust them and you and sort this out before I get sucked back in!
*sigh* I’m going to look like the baddie now (only to him hopefully). I think he fears being alone, but I don’t get why people like this want a relationship that makes the other person unhappy.
Handovers are going to be difficult because of the situation we’re in but I can’t write about it here bc it’s so specific! Maybe I need to go somewhere for advice. Not CAB though, they don’t seem to understand the ridiculous amount of guilt and responsibility I feel.
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