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I’m not sure if this is the right part of the site, maybe it should be in “life after an abusive relationship”. I feel as if it was so little (and doesn’t follow the same control wheel/pattern of abuse as you’d expect) that I don’t “deserve” to be here so I’ve put it in this section.
I broke up with my child’s dad some months ago, but he’s still visiting for child’s sake. Ex probably used to be emotionally abusive, but stopped being in a more obvious way a year or two ago. It’s also the sexual coersion that got to me (mainly guilt trips). Thing is even if the relationship wasn’t abusive, I am glad I got out because I was so unhappy.
I just find it really difficult to be assertive to him. If I need him to do something to take steps towards us sorting out the seperation probably he gets all annoyed and sad, which is normal I guess, but I’ve spent years feeling annoyed and sad bc I felt like he was sexually abusing me (but subtle enough it probably wouldn’t be classed as that). My head is such a mess! I just want him out of my life. He makes my skin crawl. I can’t tell if he’s really clever and trying to manipulate me into feeling sorry for him and take him back, but leave no evidence of manipulation. Or if he’s oblivious to the way he makes me feel and is just really in love with me. Or if I’m just super paranoid. Since the split he’s also slapped my bum several times, still says ‘i love you’, and I’m pretty sure he’s been encouraging child to get upset about break up (or maybe child’s reaction is normal, again I’ll freely admit I can get paranoid at times). I just feel he’s acting quite innappropriate, or maybe I’m just too cold and not understanding enough (this is probably true anyway…). The thing is though, I don’t understand why if he loved me he’d want me to be in a relationship that doesn’t make me happy.
All this is reminding me of a much more obvious sexually abusive relationship I had. I know that ex is married now and I feel like I should say something to someone even though it was a long time ago. How do you even report historic sexual abuse with no evidence? I just want something to be recorded in case his wife needs some kind of back up or something. I don’t particuarly want to fight him after such a long time. I just don’t want to be part of the reason his wife could be in danger. He could have got better or significantly worse, I haven’t contacted him for so long that I have no idea.
I can’t concentrate on work properly at the moment. The sexual abuse counselling service in my area is so full they won’t accept anyone else on the waiting list. And I’m too scared to take the anti-Ds the dr perscribed me ages ago. I feel like I shouldn’t even be wasting your time becuse you’ve all been through so much. I have mates who I could talk to (some of whom have been out with much more violent people and are still understanding), but I feel like a broken record.
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You’re not wasting anybody’s time, Malachite. My husband sounds as though he was the same. Bring to the boil very, very slowly. I thought I knew what rape and coercion were. A horrible thing happened to me a few years before I met my husband, so I thought he was ok. My husband used to say he would never hurt me (sexually) and he would stop doing whatever he was doing if I said so. With that in mind, I thought that rape was impossible. His doesn’t ‘do’ consent. He never has. What is his was of showing affection is at best sexual assault. Luckily he hasn’t been near me now for a few years since I told him I didn’t like being groped when I was asleep.
Please speak to WA and to Rape Crisis. I think you have been minimising your experience. I certainly did this. I was like a locked box, forever thinking that other people had it far worse than I did. I’m now middle aged and only just beginning to understand the extent of what has happened to me. I have been on anti depressants more or less since they were invented. They have helped me a lot.
You can also speak to the police. Your ex slapping your bum is sexual assault. He’s not doing it to be kind to you. He’s doing it for his own gratification and power.
Please try to be kind to yourself. As everyone says, baby steps… You have made a start. Well done!
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Sounds like a plan! Their hours are a bit odd. I can’t phone them easily because my husband is nearly always around. I was referred by WA to a Rape and Sexual Assault centre and am now on the waiting list for counselling with them.
A woman I knew told me that my husband had groped her. (She blamed me). I have also been in the room when my husband was about to have sex with another friend. It was disgusting.
I decided to report the man who raped me to the police because I thought that if there was anyone else it was a responsibility.
My husband was investigated by the police and No Further Actioned. My husband wasn’t aware of this as I deemed it too dangerous for him to know and he would have invented things against me. It was a horrible and terrifying time.
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