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After recently getting out of a relationship with a compulsive liar very recently. Ive been left feeling used and abused & controlled by fear. He lied his way back into my head 3 times but the 3rd time was in a very dark sinister way and I have been left feeling like the abuser. I’m paranoid and fearful and have no idea what just happened in the last (detail removed by moderator). I can’t turn off the thoughts and after feeling so inhibited to speak my mind when he was in the same room because of his temper. I felt relief when I plucked up the courage to tell him it was over and not to come back. I vented in messages to him and a woman who had accused me of ringing her when I didn’t. I shared my experience of my life with him and let her into my inner most thoughts of feeling trapped, helpless and alone both living together and apart when she questioned me about him.He then accused me of trying to destroy a future relationship and interfering in his business when it was him that had thrown this woman into my life with a lie. It destroyed my life I had built up for myself and they then took pleasure in telling me they were going have sex in the caravan we had once shared together that is still in my name and I have keys for but he will not allow me access to. He has now turned the tables on me saying I was the aggressor, harasser, liar & woman scorned. My world as I have been accustomed to has fallen apart and I have no way of turning off my thoughts wondering why this has all happened and what should I have done different. i don’t know where to go from here to escape it. I’ve become paranoid, anxious and unmotivated. I don’t know which way is up or how to move forward from this feeling safe from harm not knowing if or how he will lie his way back in
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Hi there. I would highly recommend going total no contact. Block them both on everything you can and come off social media until you’ve had the time to regroup. Abusers leave us feeling totally confused. They use Fear Obligation and Guilt. The FOG of abuse and very often involve another woman as part of their abuse (triangulation). No contact and time are the best way forward x
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(detail removed by moderator)I want to feel empowered again not fearful. It’s like he’s twisted me to see the world through his eyes because he is on the SOR but didn’t disclose it until we were invested in a relationship and he had actually moved in. The entire thing is a mess. I don’t know if I have to go back to the beginning to start unravelling the mess so that I can move forward from it.
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Can you get in touch with your local women’s aid. They were great with me, they can advise you on what to report. I would speak to them first before you report anything. They may be able to go with you and offer support if you decide to go down that route. Abusers are liars and manipulators. That’s why no contact with them is so important. No contact means no mind games. I had a letter from the DWP Fraud Department recently. My ex reported me. You could ring 101 for some advice. Have you asked the police about his previous convictions?
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I tried to when I first ended the relationship and he accused me of trying to send him back to prison. That’s not what I wanted to do I just wanted the truth so we could both move forward. I feel totally violated because not only did he lie to me but also straight out lied to the police I could kick myself for not picking up on things sooner and now he has also used the same lie to make himself look less bad to this other woman. When we met he told me his dad abused him sexually and that his mum and sister had been killed in a crash and he had no children then throughout the relationship the family he never had began to appear. His mum and sister were alive and he has 2 children but one he denied was his. I don’t even know if he should have disclosed the information before moving in as he came from another part of the country he lied his way into my life in the beginning and he is still lying now. He has a pure arrogance about him and absolutely no boundaries. He terrifies me to the core because I don’t know what he is capable of. I don’t even know who he was or anything. Only the snippets he let me see.
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Every time I broke contact and blocked him he would turn up at my mums home or message siblings on social media telling them I was trying to destroy his relationship by lying about him. The woman questioned me about him and I opened up because she said she hated players and liars I let her know how he made me feel and she would be sympathetic but then in the next breath condescending. She would tell me things that he had said to her about our sex life and what he had told her was untrue so I gave her my version and she would say omg he’s unreal. She would take it off her own back to tell him about my money issues and he would try and contact me to discuss it. Now he’s turned the tables and said I’ve made him paranoid about who to believe and that he has to pay private for counselling making me feel sorry for him again. He knew I struggled to compose myself over the phone so I would respond by text or email and now it’s made it look as though I have been harassing them. I honestly don’t know what make of it all because I had moved on and I was proving to him and myself that I was capable of independence but then they lied about me ringing her when I didn’t have her number never had a reason to have her number and I was asleep at the time. I never rang her I had no reason to and as far as I was aware he was away with the lads. At first the woman seemed genuine and reassuring me not to worry I had my family. Then she would block him cos of something I had said and he would direct the anger towards me in his rages calling me a trouble causer saying I was going to come off worse like it was some kind of game. Now my head is fried not knowing his next move
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Hi Good Samaritan,
I’m so sorry you’ve been through all this and feeling so confused and disoriented.
Firstly can I say you’re not paranoid. It’s only paranoia if you have no reason to feel concerned or afraid. From what you’ve said you have very good grounds for feeling afraid, confused and upset.
Secondly, I know exactly what you mean about feeling paranoid as I’ve lived with my pathological liar of a husband for over three decades now.
Thirdly well done for kicking him out and please take Kip’s advice and go no contact with both of them. As long as either of them is feeding you lies you will feel confused and be in danger of being controlled, manipulated and hurt. Protect yourself from any further abuse and seek help, advice and support from people you can trust. Women’s aid, Samaritans, citizens advice bureau and of course the ladies on the helpline and here are all excellent sources of advice support and understanding. Googling abuse, cycle of abuse, gaslighting and any other words you read in posts on here as well as the terms you’ll see when searching online will help clarify what’s been happening to you.
Well done for coming on here and posting, it took me years to pluck up the courage to even admit to myself it was ‘possibly’ abuse, let alone start looking into it.
Stay strong and keep posting and reading. Knowledge is power and freedom. Remember you are not paranoid, that’s just what he wants you to think 😊 -
He showed his temper quite early in the relationship and it put that fear in the back of my mind. I’ve lived on edge ever since with him letting him gain more and more control of me to the point I did everything for him even down to running a bath (detail removed by moderator). He gave nothing back. He would start diy projects such as decorating and leave them unfinished. My house is an absolute mess because it got to the point I literally went on strike because I was so tired. He would dictate what jobs I could apply for because of shift patterns and tell me I couldn’t apply because I wouldn’t be able to take him and pick him up from work. The cars were all registered in my name the insurance and everything and he kept telling me I would lose everything if I came off benefits. He would leave me to sort all the bills out around his demands of what he wanted (detail removed by moderator) he would not contribute to the housework at home. He held it over my that he worked all week and shouldn’t have to come home and do housework. When he was away through the week it was a relief for me like some respite but even while away he was relentless especially if I said I was at my families. Even after I ended it he turned round and said are you sure you don’t want a financial arrangement and he wanted to continue living here. Even after he moved out we remained on speaking terms because of property and we had a dog. I could never understand how he could go through such vast amounts of money each week and watch me go without necessities such as food hygiene products. Nothing was equal and he would blame me for everything. It wasn’t until he moved out it found things on an old phone he left here conforming my suspicions of his deciet about affairs and even those he blamed on me saying it was because I didn’t pay him enough attention but how can you when they are away all week and only here for 1 possibly 2 nights a week. I never broke the law before I met him and now I feel my character has been stolen from me. Not just my character but my soul has been destroyed. The entire time he lived here he made me 2 cups of tea and 1 plate of burnt chips (detail removed by moderator). Everytime I tried to put my points across of his behaviour and treatment of me he would be dismiss them and ridicule me and say that that’s just stupid. He would make me believe that I had made all these decisions for myself and I only have myself to blame for the mess I’m in financially now incapable of working or feeling motivated losing concentration and focus so that my thoughts are constantly on him now and I can’t reach out and just tell him to vanish out my life and stay out. I don’t want to portray myself as a victim or anything. I just want to understand where this tornado that tore through my life and left me suffocating under a pile of rubble came from. I’m constantly on edge feeling weak and not eating and sleeping and worrying about everything. Even now he’s not here I’m neglecting myself and letting him control my mind with his deciet and I don’t know how to stop him which would be the right direction to take. I’ve had my mum telling me he will be the death of me and him telling me it’s all my mums fault that I pushed him away. So I am also stuck wondering who is right him or my mum and should I regret my decision for driving him into another woman’s life because of my mum. The police keep asking me why I would want someone like that in my life and the fact is I never did but he took that choice away from me by never disclosing the real him to begin with. My life has been left in tatters and all I got from my mum is I told you so I was right all along. I’m really struggling to process my emotions and feelings because I don’t know what to believe anymore or if anything was real. Right now I feel absolutely worthless and useless and incapable of anything because I don’t know if I should feel angry or ashamed
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He won’t redirect his male so even now he’s gone I’m still picking up after him and letters keep arriving putting him back in my mind. No matter what I do to get away from him he won’t go. He won’t leave my home town I’m not allowed to speak to anyone about his past because it would make him and myself a target. I can’t afford a solicitor (detail removed by moderator). I want that final piece of me back. I want my happy place and my character back and to prove once and for all I can fight back without been scared
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* as thought I contributed nothing not everything. I invested time love and money into it as well as physical work doing repairs myself. I was the one that searched for the right one and if I said anything he used it as a weapon against me and just told me to sell it. My soul was never for sale and that’s how I feel like I sold my soul to the devil
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