Confused – am I over reacting?

This definitely sounds abusive to me. Give the WA helpline a call and have a chat with someone – or try and find a local WA charity, I have one local to me and they were brilliant. You can also email them if you feel that’s better, although be careful to cover your tracks if you do. x

This does sound abusive to me and is similar to what I am going through as well. Physically pushing someone is not ok – I have experienced this from my husband too and I understand how you feel saying it doesn’t seem as bad as other people have it but when you are on eggshells all the time worrying what will set him off it really starts to have an affect on your state of mind.

His being really nice in between the bad times is part of what keeps you there and makes you think that you are over reacting but being nice sometimes doesn’t make up for being truely horrid other times.

Speak to someone you trust – if you don’t feel there is anyone call WA – I found that once I spoke to my best friend about some of the things he has said and done to me it lifted some of the fog and helped me to realise that this sort of behaviour is not normal. Once you see that the problem is his it will help you to see a way forward.

Try and bear in mind that if your councillor isn’t trained in/ doesn’t have experience with domestic abuse then there’s every chance that she is taking what he says at face value. Also it’s likely you’re minimising his behaviour and your own feelings which she is also likely to take at face value.

I’m lucky in that my mum lives close by and I have now already arranged to move in with her if and when I build up the courage to leave. But please believe that there is never nowhere to go – you will be amazed at how much friends want to help when you open up to them and if you need to go to a refuge they won’t doubt or belittle your experience of abuse even though you are worrying that you’re exaggerating and others have it worse. That doubt in our minds about what we are going through is part of what keeps us in these situations for so long.

Admitting to yourself that something terrible is going on is the biggest hurdle and you’ve overcome that so don’t doubt your strength.

Hello Poets corner
It is incredible how the traits of your partner you have described and what you are going through are similar to how my ex was. Lecturing you is talking down to you. It’s patronising. It’s disrespectful. Same thing not letting you speak when with other people. My ex always seemed to know better, acted like he was more clever and always right. It was always my fault. A petty thing would trigger an angry outburst.
You know what all this does to you? It slowly destroys your self esteem and self confidence. Like a tiny dose of poison every day. Subtle and difficult to detect. Please do not underestimate it. After all if you are so unhappy there’s a reason.
We all have faults. No one is perfect. But you deserve to be spoken to with respect.
Emotional abuse can make you feel confused and that you’re overreacting. Trust yourself and your feelings!!
Take care x

Oh gosh, I do feel for you.
It took me an awfully long time even after meeting with Women’s aid for the first time to make the decision to leave.
There is a reason why you are not supposed to tell them what you are doing.
I think the metaphor of a chess game worked for me.
You need to be one step ahead. It is difficult to accept this as especially if you are an honest person it may be something you are not used to doing.
However, please know that you need to learn this skill if you haven’t got it already.
I am particularly noticing you have a child, several?
If he is the father, you will be embarking on a journey that is not easy but please be strong and hold on to your mother-child bond. You may find it will give you strength.

I totally agree with the person who said that some counsellors take things are face value and don’t have training in domestic abuse. There are many who don’t. And in the early days of leaving there are so many practical issues to contend with it is almost as if counselling is not so relevant as if practical circumstances are improved this is a priority. Housing for example.

You can take your child to refuge with you.
If you are anything like me, the evening when we finally got in there I cried with relief. And when my child and I finally got a flat we danced around it with joy, enjoying the space and the peace of it. It is nice for me to remember this, as in the years that followed there have been other challenges.
Thanks for sharing
all best
ftc
x

You could be describing my husband, Poets Corner. We too went to loads of relationship counselling. Some of the counsellors were beyond terrible. One of them knew that I had been in touch with WA and the police, and she still insisted on seeing us together. I have spoken to her since, because I was furious with her. I noticed that she went straight into self-protection counsellor mode and asked me if I wanted to make an appointment with her. Another counsellor firmly sided with my husband.

Please stop doing joint counselling. It will just give your other half fuel to abuse you with.

I think we do underestimate abuse. My husband mansplains to me. Always in the right, always as though I am a complete fool. When I leave the room it makes no difference.

I put up with years of awful sex. On reflection it was worse than awful. I swept so much under the carpet.

Hi, please ring the helpline number on here for advice. Don’t panic. In certain cases children can be removed when the mother allows dangerous people around their children. You have to be seen to be putting your children in danger. You need help from women’s aid to safely escape an abusive relationship and abuse always gets worse. Ring the helpline and contact your local women’s aid x

You are not over-reacting at all, Poets Corner! It took me decades to realise the extent of what’s going on. Please, please phone Womens Aid. They are not going to tell you what to do, but they will understand and they can guide you through this. It sounds awful. You should not feel the way you are.

Please don’t worry about social services. They are not child stealers. The first SW who was involved with my children was terrible and said things about me that simply weren’t true. I felt that it was more of the abuse. My WA outreach worker came with me to see the manager, and someone else took over.

The horrible thing about this kind of abuse is the creep creep.

You have taken a massive step in realising that something is wrong. If your children are school age, please make contact with the school and let them know that all is not well. It is also worth speaking to your gp who may be able to help.

Abusers go for vulnerable people. You are absolutely not alone.

Him saying you can’t take the children if you leave is just another way of trying to control you , as is the forced niceness, it’s designed to make you think it’s all in your head. Go with your gut – if it’s telling you to leave then do it.

Having said that I know how hard it is to pluck up that courage when he’s chipped away at your confidence for so long – I’m still working on it myself! However if you are in no physical danger taking time to plan your departure is no bad thing, I don’t know your circumstances but you could maybe start putting money aside, looking for places to live, etc.

No man can be a good dad when they’re hurting their partner. They just can’t. I learned the hard way when my daughter attacked me in the supermarket and my husband blamed me. He really laid into me saying that it was all my fault and that I provoke everybody.

It took me a very long time for it to actually sink in that my husband was abusing me. He was sexually assaulting me on a regular basis, probably worse, and even that took a long time to sink in.

The divorce had to be his idea. Whenever I mentioned it, he called me stupid and a coward.

Well done for making contact with WA and your GP. Progress!

I am afraid that all of this is typical abuser behaviour. My ex spent years trying to convince me that I should see a doctor for my mental health problems. These included crying all the time and gaps in my memory. Since leaving I have realised that these and other symptoms were actually caused by the abuse. I barely cry now. And the gaps in my memory are being slowly filled with memories of abusive incidents which I blocked out. But at the time I thought I was going mad. I really hope you can get out.

My ex was also a master at making me feel guilty about not being there for him (aka stopping me leave) making me guilty about talking about my relationship with others (aka covering up the abuse). He had less leverage over me as I didn’t have kids, but he used everything he could to keep me under control. Your husband will too. Stay strong and keep working towards a future in which you are happy. Nothing will be better for your kids than that. And you deserve not to live on the edge of a mental breakdown!

Hi it sounds to me like he’s using tactics to make you feel sorry for him. He’s using the children but children adapt really well to break ups as long as they know their still loved and that everything will be OK because the grown up are dealing with things. He should be respecting your decision to leave especially if the relationship is making you ill. And he should be helping you to get better without packing you off to the doctors to be put on medications. These are things a non abusive person would do but it seems like he’s a man who wants to play games with your feelings. When you go to the doctors don’t tell them your partner says your depressed because they will just give you an assessment sheet to fill out and because your feeling rubbish your answers will lead to you getting a diagnosis for depression. Many abusive partners have later gone on to use this against mothers to make it look like they were the victim. Tell the doctor what you’ve told us, you think your in an abusive relationship, he’s pushed you around, he makes you feel guilty and you have to apologise all the time. Write a list of what he’s done to help you. They might be able to refer you to someone. Try and make sure the doctor logs that you think your being abused in your reports as you may need this in the future. Leaving an abuser is a process, especially with kids involved. You said he’s a good dad but be prepared for him saying some difficult things to the children. When abusers lose control of their relationships they are known to get worse. And be prepared for going to court over child arrangements. He might stick to arrangements but if he doesn’t it can make things really stressful especially whilst your trying to start your new life as a single mum. Be strong. You know what you want so stick to your guns. Just be prepared for things that you might not expect as he will try different approaches to get you to stay but things will always go back to how they were before. And try not to feel guilty, that’s one that gets us all the time

Hi Poets corner

Getting away from the control is a God send. It is such a blessing. And something one must do to be themselves and have their own life. I totally get it.

Managing momentarily staying put….. keep reminding yourself it is just for the moment and your getting out. Looking forward to where you want to be, especially if it’s based on “feelings” is very soothing in and of itself. Keep preparing for what’s next.

Your following your instincts, that is great, keep doing it. They will guide you in the right direction.

The “fog” is the unhealthiness of the situation. The hopes and dreams is your vision of getting out of the “unhealthy” and your vision of the “healthy.” Him exploiting your hopes and playing on your fears, is control.

Glad we are all helping. We are here when you need to talk.

Chickadee….. sending “hugs”

I’m in the same situation at the moment planning to leave but not able to do it immediately- my husband is also in a nice phase but once you have made the connection in your mind that his behaviour is abusive it’s impossible to believe the niceness because you know from experience that it’s not going to last.

I find focusing on the future helps keep me calm – planning, looking for jobs and houses to rent. Practical things that are going to need sorting out at some point. Trying to seek legal advise on the things that are going to come. Also I found telling someone you trust what you’re planning helps make it feel more real – I don’t know your situation but obviously only tell someone you completely trust to keep this information to themselves otherwise it’s best to keep quiet. And definitely keep posting and reading on here – it’s so easy to fall back into thinking our relationships are normal (as for us they are) but having that reinforcement from here that the things he is doing are wrong helps to lift some of the fog. I’ve certainly his forum so helpful for that.

I’ve been having huge doubts about my feelings too – but reading your posts Poets Corner and Maddog, well we could well be with the same person.

I put up with years of dealing with his moods. It was only when I was emailing a relationship counsellor that she said he was emotionally abusive. I would never have thought it myself – I was looking for things that I could change to make things better (particularly because our oldest was also starting to be a target).

When I have doubts now, I look back at what she wrote and think about the conversations I had with the national helpline and the local group (Keep trying to get through – it will help you so much to talk). It stops me dismissing what I feel and buying in to his niceness.

We’re going to couples’ counselling. I feel like I have to – if I don’t and try to end it he would put so much blame on me that I wouldn’t be able to cope. My email counsellor said we should be offered individual sessions – so I’ve asked for that. He’s already shown how angry and defensive he gets – even when he’s on best behaviour, which meant she can see what he’s like (but she has been talking about ‘improving communication’ and things we can ‘both work on’ – made me want to scream!)

He’s being nice too. He told me he loved me the other day. Normally I avoid answering but I couldn’t this time and I said I loved him too. And since then I’ve felt awful – angry he thinks being ‘nice’ cancels everything else out. It doesn’t. I don’t think you treat someone you love like that. Sometimes I think I’m just hanging on to the bad stuff, that I should let it go. But I just can’t.

Poets corner…..the suddenly having deep conviction that it is not you, is the untwisting of the twisted garbage and lies the abuser dishes out, realizing your not at fault for stuff they did and are just blaming you for, and thereby your inner strength and true self pulling through to the surface.

Yeah for you! So happy for you!

Chickadee

Gosh this is all so relatable. I needed to read this today. I’ve had a really hard weekend of going through this vicious cycle. Thank you all for posting, I can see how much it helps others on here and certainly for me.
Xx

It is a facade, abusers are master manipulators.

Your wanting to flee, that urge is fight or flight response.

Can you get into refuge? And can the women at women’s aid or the helpline get you into a domestic abuse group (in person)? I think that would be very helpful to you in addition to being on here. Fight/Flight and your confusion, known as the “Fog” stems from the mind twists, lies, and control an abuser inflicts. Stress Disorder.

Loving support from people that “get abuse” is the greatest thing.

Feel free to vent here, we are here for you. Hugs.

Chickadee

Hello again Poets Corner. I’m glad you’ve had so much support from Women’s Aid. I found every conversation, every bit of support from someone helped build my strength. I know if he knew any of it he would dismiss all of them as man-hating women and say I’d exaggerated everything – but they get that too! And I had a little bit more good stuff happen… Basically we’re going to couple’s counselling – there is a bit of me that hopes(d) that he’d see the light, and I also thought that if I didn’t – and tried to end it – I didn’t want him to be able to say to our children that I hadn’t even tried to save things.

What I didn’t expect was that the counsellor would be able to help – I found out you can ask for individual sessions. I was really nervous of how it would go – but it was actually brilliant because she had SEEN him in action (and quite mildly too) so she knows how he tries to manipulate everything, how everything is my fault…

I know it doesn’t work for everyone and there are dangers going to couple’s counselling with a partner who is emotionally abusive, because they’re so good at spinning everything. Suppose all I’m saying is it can help – and that I felt like I was exaggerating too Poets, but I’m not. And neither are you.

Hi Poets Corner.

That is what they do. They act, they are manipulators, expert con artists. They go in front of a counselor etc. and it’s all a performance of I’m the little choir boy, charm, polite, they know how to do it long enough to put it all on so you look “crazy” or like a “B**ch.”

No, he has not changed.

Stop worrying. We all know your on this thread.

Chickadee

follow your gut!! He will soon start to drop this facade! I went through exactly the same and it took me nearly 2 years to decide to leave. he knew we needed space at the end but it was me who would have to leave, so I did one day and took our child with me! he soon changed his behaviour again after that! going through the abuse cycle with me very regularly! although it is tough on your own I can 100% tell you I have have never looked back, and our child is so much happier not having to live with constant arguments and my crying all the time. still have some tough days but on the whole I feel so much happier.
please please make sure you gather what is important to you before you leave, such as photographs, download pics you may have on joint computers, take copies of any bank or mortgage paperwork, as once you do go he most probably won’t give you access to any of these!