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Hi all
I write this feeling numb and a bit dazed, my husband has just said he wants a 3 month trail separation and walked out of the house!
I know the marriage is not healthy but I’m still not prepared for this. I feel the community will talk negatively about this and view me badly, plus the fact that he is twice my age, they may think I can’t even handle marriage with him.
I reached out to my dad to tell him, he just said “Ok” (still no support either way from my parents and still can not move back there, since I chose to marry him and it hasn’t worked out)
My husband (ex husband?) said he would carry on paying rent and bills for the separation time and he doesn’t want to separate but he can not handle the “other person in me who hates him”
I feel so bad, confused and in a daze right now. -
In my opinion it’s just another abuser tactic. It’s called push and pull. You are now expected to go grovelling to him and beg him to come back. This often involves another woman. My advice is to change the locks and start divorce proceedings. Block him on all devices. Him saying he will pay all the bills is his way of maintaining control over the situation. This is your chance for freedom. If you don’t take it now I guarantee you will regret it in years to come. My ex did similar. I marched straight down to a divorce lawyer. He didn’t see that coming. I broke free and you can too. Never mind what anyone else thinks. They do not live your life x
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Hello snowybunny, I agree with KIP. I am afraid he’s just trying to manipulate you. I now realise that my ex leaving me was a blessing in disguise because although I knew he was abusive I didn’t want to leave him, I just didn’t want a life without him. It’s been a few days and now I’m starting to thank him and God for this. I am free now. And you can be free as well. It’s completely normal for you to feel upset, sad, angry, those are normal emotions but you need to see yourself as one of the few lucky ones that can get out before it’s too late. Be strong snowybunny, you will be OK. Yesterday I went to see my psychiatrist and he said something that’s very very true: the pain of ending a relationship lasts a few months, the pain of being abused and the anxiety that comes with it will last forever. Sadly they will never change, there’s no amount of love from us that will make these men change. Al we can do is focus that love on ourselves. Trust yourself that you can have a beautiful life where no one makes you cry, where no one disregards your feelings, where no one makes you afraid. That life is worth fighting for. Big hug.
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I like the quote from your Psychiatrist. I remember when I split from my ex (he was arrested and removed) someone insensitive telling me to move on. I moved on very quickly from him. What I cannot move on from is the trauma he has left me with. The best thing my ex ever did was cheat and rub my nose in it. That was the push I needed to get straight to a divorce lawyer. There are no winners here. Just survivors and I consider myself lucky to be counted as one.
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Hello KIP, thank you so much for the reply. I wouldn’t be surprised if he is already talking to another woman as my replacement, I will feel really sorry for her that’s for sure.
Is it possible to change the locks on a rented property if he is the one paying the rent? Do I need to explain anything to the landlord before I do this? I have no evidence if this is needed, I actually don’t think I will be believed if I ever needed to provide evidence for anything because he is twice my age and not well built etc. Not that an abuser has a typical age, height etc, maybe I’m just a bit anxious of being believed. The only thing I have are texts saying he owns me and that I belong to him!? And me questioning why he lies about various things including his age before we married and why he walks over me when I am crying on the floor.
I managed to block him for a few days in the past but I unblocked him to try to talk about things, in a cycle it went, nowhere near resolved.
I am happy that you are free now, it is very encouraging to read this and inspires me to take this chance, regardless of anxiety and what others may think. I like what you said about not worrying what anyone else thinks because they do not live my life, it is very true xHello Sadsunflower
Thank you so much for replying. Lately the more I pray about the situation, the further away we are guided from one another, this doesn’t seem to bother him at all, as if there was no genuine care or love there at all, although I began to think this back when he would hush me, control my food intake and insult me. Things have slowly escalated or maybe changed tactics rather than escalating and now he is wanting to leave. It’s all very confusing but I know it would be so damaging for my mental health in the long term (also possible physical health since he has said he will hit “the other person inside me controlling me” if he had to in order to make her leave!?)
It is always very good to read when other lovely ladies here have managed to get free to stay free, I am grateful to have found these forums.
What your psychiatrist said is very true.
This part of your message made me cry (not in a bad way) and really woke me up.
“It’s completely normal for you to feel upset, sad, angry, those are normal emotions but you need to see yourself as one of the few lucky ones that can get out before it’s too late. Be strong snowybunny, you will be OK.”
The ending of your message was worded beautifully and was very comforting, yes indeed that is a life worth fighting for. Big hugs back to you.With peace and best wishes
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Ring Rights for Women for free legal advice. The messages you have are proof of a very controlling man. Is it possible for you to move back in with your parents. Do you work? Can you rent a room off someone locally? I think you would need the landlords permission to change the locks. You can always leave your key inside to prevent him entering. I think the best thing would be for you to move while he’s away. He’s paying the bills so that he knows where you are. Don’t tell him you’re moving out. Just leave when it’s safe.
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My ex walked out on me a couple of times “because he couldn’t handle my unreasonable behaviour”. Each time I begged him to talk, to be reasonable, and we ended up staying together. He did it when he sensed that I was thinking of leaving, and to this day I cannot tell you why I didn’t seize the opportunity and get out. It was just so sudden I think. So confusing. I really wish I had seized the opportunity to get away then though. I could have got out years earlier than I finally did. Especially if you have three weeks then I would seize the opportunity and get out.
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Thank you KIP and Tiffany for your replies.
I was typing replies and he came to get some more of his things, he then wanted to talk, it turned into him “not knowing who I was anymore” and laying on the bed ignoring me and pushing me away from him if I reached out to him, when questioned why he did this he said it wasn’t towards me but towards the other person inside me controlling me.
I have told him time and time again I do not feel this is the case, that he just doesn’t like me speaking up, yet he still remains convinced, he even phoned his friend last night in front of me on full volume, who agreed with him.
I can’t return to my parents house as my mum disowned when I married my husband, I have not seen her since and she blocked me, not before telling me I was a horrible daughter for marrying someone twice my age and it would be my fault if things went wrong and that it would be best to no longer have any contact again. Plus they are divorced and her and her boyfriend live in one bedroom accommodation.
I can not cope emotionally at my dads house, he is very controlling too, I even told my dad I could not handle it emotionally in the same house again. I cried much more there than I do now.
I used to work before becoming unwell, various issues,one which I have had since childhood and one they are still trying to find the cause of, I would have to find a flexible employer who would allow me to take a few days off at a time, otherwise it would be me crying with such intense pain and out of it with the medication, after which I would be fine again until it happens again. I used to study via home distance learning but my husband won’t pay for WiFi and I only have internet via mobile data and can not afford to have WiFi with the cost of the phone line too.
Renting a room maybe a possibility if I can find someone understanding and find flexible work to cover the rent, bills etc.
He is being sweet again this morning, back to calling me sweet nicknames and saying he will never leave me forever, only for a while if it helps me “get better”Thank you for the advice Tiffany, I am glad that you are out of the abusive relationship. I will look into my options when he is away again.
With peace and best wishes
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I think he’s returned just to make sure you’re still hooked into him. It’s like he’s given himself permission to go off and do something else. My gut tells me that’s another woman. he should not be jumping in and out of your life as he pleases. You are not the problem. Don’t listen to what his friends may or may not say. They have only heard his side of the story. My ex did exactly the same. Lied to friends and family as he was lining up his next victim. Please use this opportunity to get out of this dysfunction. He’s back to make sure he still has control over you.
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Hello KIP
Thank you for the reply, sorry it’s taken me so long to reply, I haven’t had much emotional strength lately, actually disappointed with myself for thinking he was a good match for me.I am very sorry you experienced this, you deserve so much better, we all do. I’m glad you realised what your ex was like and got out safely, your posts are very encouraging.
He left again, he is meant to be back (detail removed by moderator) and to work in another area a short while away. However (detail removed by moderator) I hardly slept and spent most of the night crying, after a very upsetting phone call with him. I confronted him that he was abusive and I read the list of examples that I wrote, he then went from varying between saying (detail removed by moderator). This freaked me out a lot and I started to cry, then got annoyed with how he treating me and regardless of any issues I may have, it is not good to leave me on the floor crying, control my food intake when he is here, insult my appearance, berate my friends and try to use religious verses against me to prevent me from speaking out to or against his behavior towards me.
At the end of the phone call he said (detail removed by moderator). The ending of the phone call really confused me after the rest of the phone call, can a sweet/mean cycle be so short, changing from being mean to being sweet in the length of one phone call?!
I have started to write things don’t for when he is like this so I can be sure it really happened and incase I doubt things when he is at times nice again.
One thing is for sure, I can not spend the rest of my life like this, in a marriage this changeable, regardless if others may look down om me for being divorced, it is my emotional health I have to consider so I think at think point I can not give too much thought into wjag others may think during and after the divorce.Thank you for listening.
With peace and best wishes x
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It does not matter what others think. It takes incredible strength to leave an abusive relationship and women who manage this are true warrior queens. The strongest on the planet. My ex went from threats and bullying to pleading and begging in five minutes. They can change in a split second as they see themselves losing the argument and losing control. My ex would also tell me I had a mental illness (depression and anxiety) which was actually caused by his behaviour. He would use this against me. Even used the fact that I miscarried against me. Saying that was what cause my mental health. It was his child too. Lowlife despicable men. Stand tall and proud and walk away from him and his dysfunction. Turning himself into the victim in this mess is another abuser tactic. They are not victims but are very good actors and manipulators x
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This sounds like exactly the conversation that I had every time I confronted my abuser. The sudden changes in direction are so confusing. The conversation swings from his behaviour to yours. I always ended up apologising for causing the abuse! How messed up is that. And then he would promise not to leave me and always to look after me. And I would have this nagging feeling that he hadn’t heard my side of things but I was so emotionally drained that I couldn’t go through the confrontation again. Ultimately you are better to save your strength for getting out safely and secretly, then ending things.
I left shortly before my marriage. Cancelled the wedding. Had to tell everyone. I was really worried about what people would think. They were all proud of me for getting out of a dangerous situation. No one even felt sorry for him. After all, even though I was the one who left, it was his fault. I had wanted to work things out – but that is impossible in an abusive dynamic.
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