Going back

If you go back you are just going to reinforce the trauma bond. It’s like if you were a couple of weeks into quitting smoking and then you decide you can risk just one cigarette because you really want it, but then you will definitely be done. It’s going to kick-start the cravings again – you have seen this already. You saw your abuser once, briefly, by accident, and you are considering another (admittedly temporary) relationship with him.

I would also say that there is a relatively high risk that he is lying about his future plans, and what you are envisioning as a delightful fairwell could end up with you back where you started, in a relationship with a man who is violent towards you.

Finally, from what I have seen, read and experienced, things always get worse if you return, as they will punish you for leaving. He will lovebomb until you are caught in the relationship again, then the abuse will restart.

I would return to no contact as soon as possible.

I think it’s normal to initially want to return due to the trauma bond, fear of the future, feeling sad and alone. Like Tiffany said it’s pretty much the same as weaning yourself off a drug. You have to go cold turkey.

It may not seem like it but you’re at risk of injury or death if you return. Two women a week are murdered by their partner or former partner in the UK. It’s not uncommon for them to trick us into returning before escalating the violence again to fatal levels. He’ll be saying and doing what he knows appeals to you to bring you back under his control. My ex did that too, pretended to miss me and be heartbroken and acted all caring etc etc. he didn’t give up until the Police got involved. I felt tempted too, I wanted to return to how great it felt when we first met. But I had to keep reminding myself of the real him.

Can you write up a list of all the abuse if you haven’t already? Then read it back. I read my list every time I felt like I missed him and it helped massively. Keep posting your thoughts on here and read about domestic abuse to break out of the confusing fog.