Don’t know why I’m feeling like this

Feeling something that I haven’t felt in years. Today I am missing the ‘old’ him. When I say ‘old’ I mean the fake part of him, the false part of him. The act he put up when we were first together, the caring, loving, pateiebt, funny side of him. The part of him that would never shout or get annoyed with me. The part of him that was able to sit and talk about his feelings like an adult without calling me names, punching stuff and screaming at me. But of course none of that was real. It wasn’t the real him. It was all an act. An act to win me over to make me think he was the perfect man. So how I can I miss a man that never existed? When I’d let him move in he started to change, the ‘nice’ him stared to show less and less of an appearance and it replaced with this new moody irritated version of himself. I didn’t know why, I did not know what I had done to cause it. Because of course it was always my fault, as he said. I tried for months to be better, a better girlfriend for him and hoped that this lovely man I fell in love with would come back. I would wish and hope and pray. He never did. When our daughter was a few months old I realised that it was all an act, I realised he was never coming back because he wasn’t real. I felt tricked, tricked into falling in love and having a child with a false person. And since that day I have never wished or hoped for the nice version of him back because I know he doesn’t exist. But today I do. Today I wish for him back even though we have been split up for months and things are better. Of course he still says horrible things to me when he can and makes me upset but I really thought I was getting over what had happened. So why am I
Missing someone that was never there?