I gave in and feel so hurt again. I really wish I never cared or had any love for him. I don’t understand what I did so wrong. I tried, I tried and I tried. All he does is cause me pain. I have literally been sick all morning just after speaking to him all day is this even normal. I can’t stop crying and I’m afraid my family will know there is something wrong with me. He says it was a joke but why does this joke hurt me so much, why does it cause me pain?
You are taking the hit for his behaviour. His behaviour is not of your making and you can do nothing to change it. Are you sick with disgust or are you making yourself sick?
Whatever your responses to abuse are, you have nothing to be ashamed of. It hits us in so many different ways. Please do not be afraid to seek help if you need it. Is your gp good?
You need to go total no contact. Every time you have contact it will make you ill. These men are toxic to us. They feed off our distress. Start again with zero contact. Block him on everything. He is playing terrible mind games with you and does not care for you at all.