How much more?

Sorry you’re feeling this way. Dealing with abusers is exhausting. Remember the Samaritans are good listeners and there’s the helpline on here. I remember days where I just had to drag one foot in front of the other. I got there in the end and so shall you,

Benson sorry to hear this, it must be so exhausting. But you have come so far, you are strong and you can get through this. I read somewhere about pain ‘contractions’ – when you feel it, you want to scream and give up it hurts so much, but it will not last forever. It helps me to remember this when I have one. Thinking of you.

Hi, Benson. I recognise what you are saying. I look back at myself when my daughter was young and I realise that I was still young myself. I wish I could go back and tell myself, ‘you’re still young, there’s still so much you can do, you can still live your life’. I don’t know if it would have made a difference, because I was trapped by fear. Fear that if I take the wrong step we will get hurt. I know that we are advised to always take threats seriously, but it has been the fear that has been the most effective weapon he has used. He would always demonstrate just enough aggression to show me that he meant his threats. Its really kept me in my place, and unable to live my life outside of his control. Being afraid has meant not being able to make the decisions that I want to for fear of the consequences. That’s why my daughter’s father has constantly used threats about what he will do if I stop letting him contact me. Because I was afraid of him I wasnt willing to trust other people when they said I could get free from his abuse. I wish I could have tackled the fear. I wish I could have trusted other people and lived a more hopeful life, but I just didnt feel safe enough to do it. I don’t live with him and he isn’t in his daughter’s life very much, but he’s still there, every day in my life on the telephone, reminding me that he hasn’t gone away. I’m thinking about the next year or two and what I can do to move things on a bit. At some point, it has to end but I know that I have to tackle the fear. I’ve felt so worn down and exhausted by it.