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I need to leave him but feel guilty for the children.
He has not physically abused me but does get angry slamming doors and swearing at me. I know its mental torture and he dominates me. He expects me to run around after him. He is not a nice person.
I have been given the silent treatment for (detail removed by moderator) days now. I feel worthless. I need strength to get out and I have none. I have put up with it for so long. -
Hi, this is my situation too. Try not to make yourself feel bad for still being there, as it’s so difficult to make decisions when we’re in this situation and feel so emotionally battered. That’s not much consolidation I know, when you need to get out, but I’m just trying to explain that it takes time and support to manage to be strong. The longer we stay though , the more they can get at us.
Have you called the helpline? They are fantastic. I have been in contact for almost a year now and just started the freedom programme, I’m hoping it will give me some strength and help.me find some confidence in myself as I feel every ounce has gone.
You’re not in this alone. Post on here when you need because the support from these ladies is Sorry it’s weight in gold. I don’t know what I would do without WA. One day I will get away, I have kids too and it makes it harder, I can’t just walk out of the door when I feel like it, like he can. -
I have not called the helpline but will do once I feel brave enough. I just feel drained by the whole situation. The silent treatment his drug addiction and the emotional abuse. He gets angry towards me for the slightest little thing like if I buy the wrong brand of toiletries or do not hang his clothes up correctly or wash his clothes in an instant. He expects me to run around after him. He says I favour one of the children and I think hes actually jelous of the child. He controls the money and I am not entitled to anything because of his earnings and this stops me from buying the children things they need. I feel like a bad parent when I know hes the one who is in control of the situation not me. He keeps saying I will have nothing without him. I need out of this toxic household and away from his terrible mood swings for the sake of my children. I have never taken drugs and dont drink unless a special occasion. I can not see how he is ever going to leave the family home and its impossible for me to leave with children and its my house. I dont want a big fight or police involved to get him out. Its like im waiting for something bad to happen before he will go.
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Hi,
I remember being exactly where you are now, feeling trapped and weakened from living with an abuser, yet I felt I couldn’t just up and go. But leaving is a process, for me it didn’t happen overnight but when I started getting support and knowledge I began to strengthen and change. Now I am out of the abusive relationship even though I had been married 2 decades,had alot of children and I was financially trappped.
Posting on here regularly, reading the posts and ringing Women’s Aid will strengthen you as his behaviour weakens you. I also joined a support group for families where someone close to them is in addiction. I found that great support although not as knowledgeable on abusers as on here, but good support in a general way.
You are on the path of leaving don’t worry. At least you can see the truth of what you’re living with which is the most important thing. The 3 A’S Awareness, Acceptance and Action. You have the Awareness. You are accepting he is not going to change. The action may be only to keep getting support at the moment. You can’t do this on your own.
You will get away, I did.
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Another day has passed and my friends and family are telling me this can not carry on. The way he is treating me is unfair. He is not sorry for his actions towards me. I feel lifeless and struggling to see a way out. I dont know where to turn to. Financially he cant afford to move out whilst paying for food and bills here and he has no family to take him in. Im getting deeper into debt he keeps hassling me to buy him things on credit what I cant afford.I dont know where to turn to. He is really selfish and his drug addiction is more important to him than anything. I keep crying because I dont know what the future will be like without him here and everything seems strange. I have accepted hes never going to change and things will never go back to how they used to be and I know I deserve better. I need to take action and do something. My friend is telling me to get the police involved to ask him to leave but I feel stupid and if they come out he will paint the picture to them like hes perfect and done nothing wrong and this is his home. He is under pressure with his employer too at the minute that makes the situation worse.
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I rang womens aid and solicitors. Its lots of information to take in. I need an occupation order. I do not have the strength to do this at the minute. I am going to negotiate with him again try to reason with him and make him see sense that it will be easier and cheaper if he just goes. I can not see him going any time soon though so need to try work out what to do next.
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Hi,
I think we can all empathises with how your feeling right now. Its so daunting isn’t it? Sometimes its so hard to think clearly when you have so much responsibility and on top of that you feel scared. Would it be worth going to see your GP, get some counselling. After a long time (and I am ashamed in away to admit this) I started to take anti anxiety meds. They switched off my fear to an extent and I was able to think more clearly. When I had originally called for advice from the legal side of things I was told “you sound totally neurotic”. That was the turning point for me, when I decided OK I need to get my head together and deal with this as best I can. I hope this is good advice and I know this is not an easy situation to be in xx J -
Hi SL
The road to freedom is a hard one, while you don’t have the strength to do go forward at the moment make plans when/if you do.
They cause so much damage to our brains the process of making this decision hard, but you can do this.
Mine was like most awkward to the end, but its so worth persevering.
Keep posting and talking to people that understand, friends and family though kind sadly can’t understand the dynamics of being in an abusive relationship.
FS xx
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I dont know what the GP will do for me. I dont like taking medication. I feel like I need to get my head together. One of my children suffers from mental illness and caring for my child on top of all this is really hard. I have a meeting booked with a support worker and im hoping they will shed some light on my financial situation because its really not good at the moment. I am trying to keep level headed and can see why people have breakdowns following break ups. Im going to write him a letter to tell him what im scared to say to his face. Plea with him to leave the family home and hopefully give me some peace. I need space and time alone. Im not giving him any hope theres a chance between us because there is not. Im going to share a bedroom with one of the children till he goes. Mornings are awful he seems to get to me most then. The day goes on and im relieved when he goes to bed out of my sight. It feels like a blur. Like a living nightmare.
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Sadly his drug addiction is driving al his actions as well as all the abuse raining upon you, so you see there is no way he will respond to your pleas, or tears or obvious distress?
Do you get extra support for your child, as it sounds like you need to?
There are many debt support agencies out there but I think if he were out you would be able to focus better and start getti ng all back into shape.
It can also be the best thing for addicts either drink or drugs to pull the plug on continuing any support for them that makes their life easy…tough love, cold turkey, the only way, he will then have to start standing on his own two feet instead of crushing yours.
Warmest wishes ts
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Struggling at the moment. He using the house like a hotel. Giving me bare minimum financial support. Coming and going with silent treatment. The child mith mental health issues is aware of the situation and causing me distress.
I feel deflated a big event is coming up and I dont want to go im thinking it could get explosive. He will show off in front of other people and say I have turned them against him.
The people will know whats going on and others are last thing on my mind though. -
He is trying to be nice saying He will look after children i look drained and need a break. Trying to be mr nice and making me feel guilty saying He cant live like this.
Feel drained. Just want him out of my life. He not phoned me for a period of time. Now calling me regular even though we still in same house.
Not sure if hes checking up on me or what. Its a game to him. -
He is offering me money gifts everything he can. Telling me HE does not want to give up on our relationship. He is acting strange thinks ive gone crazy because im not giving in.
The children are starting to realise something is not right. The house is really strange and quiet. He is trying to make me out to be the bad one because im ending things. His drug addiction is still the exact same he is making no effort to stop that or cut down.
I feel drained and alone. -
Time has passed. He is showing signs of change. He is really unwell. Promising me the world and telling me he cant live without me.
I am really not stupid. I am skeptical about everything he says. I can not forgive the hell he has put me through. How are you supposed to get on with life when someone is constantly telling you they want you back.
I know its not for the best long term but starting to feel weak and confused.-
Hi stay or leave, its awful when they start being nice, so confusing. Im nearly convinced i should leave, then my resolve goes to pot. Try writing to yourself in a journal. Explain what he does, how it makes you feel, then advise yourself as if a very dear friend. Its when i do this that I’m at my strongest, cos believe me i was one strong, take no sh.. woman b4 him. Ive just lost me somewhere along the way. I’m glimsing snatches of the old me and it’s her ‘who causes the arguements’and him to lose it. Bullsh.. no one causes anyone to lose it, it’s lack of control and empathy towards others that does that.
Trust your scepticism, listen to your inner self, we were not called witches for nothing. Intuition is alive and well within us,. He only wants you back to feel powerful overyou. If he truly wants to change, he’d accept a break to happen in the relationship, get help for his addiction and move heaven and earth to be a better person. He is a grown man whose life choices are bringing you down, making you miserable. Of course he can live without you, he is just trying to make you responsible for him.
I was told i was lucky cos he doesn’t drink,do drugs or not come home, that all couples argue. Yes they do but in normal relationships both parties get to speak. He’s allowed to vent his anger at me and about me, but i cant reciprocate as he says im talking back, not shutting up.
Hes not been in my space for a long time, that was the last time he hit me. Tries to say i walked into his fist!!!! No what happened was i was screaming at him to in no way attack my dog with a golfclub/stick cos he was barking and growling at him. His way of teaching dogs to behave is thru violence, he (the dog) wouldnt be the way he is if I’d allowed him to be more hands on with his training!!!
Trust your instincts, keep a journal(make sure he can’t find it).
Love and blessings to you,
its hard letting go of the nice man he once was, its hard letting go of a future glimpsed. But they weren’t real, what you are living is real. Im finding it less cloudy just now because things are fairly calm. Its when life is like this that we csn look into the logical stuff. Getting advice from WA/ or a lawyer if tied together thru mortgage children etc.
Take care and look after yourself the best you can.
IWMB 💕💕
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He is giving me the silent treatment. Im giving it back. Day (removed by moderator). I want him out of my life but dont have the strength. I feel so weak. My family and friends are telling me to get rid of him. They can see me miserable. They say im worth 10 of him. We are opposites. (I dont do drugs). He is not a nice person. He makes the whole house walk on egg shells. No time for the children. Never takes them anywhere. Selfish individal. I feel i do all the parenting which im glad about as the less they have to do with him the better. I dont know what to do. Im his meal ticket. He uses me. Im awake to it.
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Take a deep breath and call the solicitor to get the occupation order. If he kicks off call the police. We do get ground down I was the same once (20years ago now) I felt trapped no way out hoping a bus would just run me over tbh. It took a crisis for me to call the police. Once this is in official hands they do the work xx they protect you and he has to stay away xx my advice is breath in get the solicitors number and make that call. Do it then things will change only then this will stop xx don’t wait till it gets to crisis point you can do this ❤️
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I feel deflated. I was considering moving. Why should I move my children schools? He should just go and leave us alone. He must think I want to be with him. I feel like you did at times. I think my children would have no hope in life if they only had him to care for them. I know they would not be fed or clothed. He is too busy caring for his drug habit. Im sad. I feel depressed. I dont want to go to my GP as they will put it on my health record. I once phoned the solicitor got some free advice. It was not helpful really. They give me advice that he can keep a key and have access to the property. I tried that for months. He just let himself in and out. I am thinking it is going to take some time. He is pretending he is ill for my sympathy. He has done this before too. I opened the door to empty the bin. He screamed at me. He then went and opened every window and door in the house in temper. This is not normal? Am i not allowed to open a door in case he gets cold a few mins? His begaviour is not right. I dont know what to do.
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It was nothing to do with the open door. If you offered him a cup of tea that would be all wrong and he’d have a go at you. It’s just an excuse to trigger your fear of him. He screams at you to upset you, get into your head, affect your sleep, affect your day, make you feel paralyzed. Also it’s very intimidating having him strop about being aggressive with the doors and windows. And the children are affected. Abuse tactics to keep you low. Keep posting on here and reading the posts. Keep getting support from WA. You will get this man out of your life. You’re changing and are aware and coming on here will make sure of that. I was where you are. I never thought it would end. It did. Hang in in there. So sorry though you have to go to bed after him ranting and raving. Try and detach from his behaviour if you can (easier said than done). Tbh I could only detach when I had No Contact with him. They really rob your peace of mind.
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I am feeling bad again today. I feel sick in the stomach. He is making me feel like a bad person. He screamed at me again saying I am doing things wrong and have stupid ideas. He is asking family for money for drugs. I am just sitting here aware of his drug abuse. I am letting it go on. I am feeling really down. I can not see an escape at the minute away from him. I went to the GP again and did not have the courage to speak out despite them asking me if I was suffering from DV . I just went quiet and changed the subject. My family and friends can see the toll its taking on me. I think only of my kids and escaping one day. Its like I am living soneone elses life. Im looking in and thinking what is she doing? Why is she putting up with this? Why is she so scared not to answer back? Why not speak up and not just do anything for no confrontation?
All these questions I can not answer. I am totally aware this life can not continue. I have no strength. I feel weak and stupid. He never physically hits me and sometimes I wish he would so I can call the police and it will be over. -
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