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I have had the most horrendous horrible day and feel utterly traumatised by it all sat here tonight. I received some messages from my husband (Detail removed by Moderator) along the lines of I will always love you, I miss you, I don’t understand why you f’ing hate me (I don’t and have never said I do), you will never understand but I will make it clearer, I have nothing to lose, etc etc. He would have been drinking and is completely on his own. I tried to ring him but he didn’t answer. I went to bed. When I looked at my email (Detail removed by Moderator) he had sent me an email (Detail removed by Moderator) titled (Detail removed by Moderator). It said something like you might need this, its the address of (Detail removed by Moderator) ((Detail removed by Moderator) I didn’t know about it but I guess its where he keeps his stuff as he is living with his parents temporarily). Gave the address (Detail removed by Moderator). That was it, nothing else. I rang his mobile, now switched off. I thought he had killed himself. I rang the police uncontrollably shaking and crying and reported my concerns. They said they would go round to check but then the police called me back and said they no longer have the resources to do welfare checks and I needed to try harder to get hold of him. I then decided I needed to tell his family which I did. I continued to call his phone. After a few hours of me almost losing my mind it began to ring. He didn’t answer so I sent a message saying are you okay, I have called the police. I rang again and he answered, he said cancel the police and don’t call me again, thank you and hung up. I have now had an evening of horrible messages from him saying I’ve ruined him again by letting his family know I was extremely concerned for his welfare, swearing at me, saying the children will forget about him which was my plan all along, his Mum sending horrible messages saying (Detail removed by Moderator). I have done nothing in all of this but leave an abusive situation and an environment of fear that I couldn’t cope with anymore. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach over it all today and completely drained. I know the children cannot go unsupervised again at the moment as this could have taken place with our son there visiting so that is all going to hit the fan this week. I start my new job this week (he doesn’t know) and feel completely wrecked by this today. How can they all really be so deluded that they believe their own lies about the situation?! I just cannot understand it. This wasn’t what I wanted, I thought and hoped things would get better. I really loved him very much š
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I’m so sorry you’re suffering this way. It won’t change and it won’t get better. Abusers often use this kind of veiled suicide threat. It’s very telling that he replied after you told him you involved the police. If he was serious this wouldn’t have bothered him, Well done. This will have thrown him off course. He wanted you to hurt and be terrified. It’s all deliberate. As for his mum, she will be well under his manipulation. He will have filled her head with lies. I got a terrible letter from my stepdaughter telling me she never wanted to hear from me again and that I had destroyed our family. Even after her father cheated on me and assaulted me and was arrested. No experience is wasted if we learn from it and I’m afraid you have just been given the most painful lesson. Time to go total zero contact with him and all his family. Keep all his messages as evidence of his dreadful emotional abuse. You don’t need that in your life anymore. Enough is enough. Look after yourself and your children because he won’t x
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Dear itwillbeokay, I’m so sorry you had such a dreadful day – a day he planned for you in advance! KIP is right, he meant most of this to happen. See, you were supposed to panic about him and be afraid, but he didn’t realise you would be worried enough to call the police! That’s the bit he didn’t expect or want. As for the way his family carried on, remember who raised him, OK?
You called his bluff by phonng the police – you brought real life into his alternate reality and he didn’t appreciate it. Who know what they would have found? He’s had a nasty shock and you’re being punished. He asked you not to call again and I wouldn’t! Learn that he’s using your soft heart to manipulate you and the next time it happens and he tries to wind you up, shrug and ignore. He’ll accuse you of being hard as nails, but you won’t have gone through what you did today!
Flower x
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I am so sad to hear he is still abusing you like this,I guess it’s predictable.
I just want to say again, no have done nothing wrong. You did exactly what he expected in reacting to his nasty emotional blackmail, but it has shook him that you would phone the police. He sees that he doesn’t know this new you now! You did the right thing, and why wouldn’t you call his parents about this.I repeat you have done nothing wrong. You acted genuinely, he’s the fraud, and now you are proves again why you needed to leave. You are well out of it. Please make sure you are safe. He is predictably escalating at this point. Please go carefully and keep you all safe, like you say this could have happened when he had little ones with him, it is horrific to even consider. I went through that and never trusted him again. He was busy spending money and living them a high ol time whilst I had a breakdown, but actually damaged kids whowere getting more and more anxious to come home. They didn’t sleep all night afterwards they were so strung out.
You are ahead of the game, keep strong.
Warmest wishes ts
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Thank you so so much as always. Reading these words has been so helpful. It was just horrendous and then the gaslighting afterwards making me feel like I was ridiculous because he was just sending me information in case anything happened to him. It didnāt feel as normal and innocent as that whatsoever particularly given the previous messages and the timing and what I know of how he is at the moment and the drinking etc.
I gave an appointment this morning with my outreach worker, prearranged but am so glad to have it in the diary.
Thank you thank you thank you. Yesterday will stay with me a long time x
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That’s good it will stay with you. To remind you of the pain and distress that he brings. He is not your responsibility. Absolute zero contact. You now have your validation x it took an extremely painful lesson for me too to realise any contact would destroy me. Loving him won’t change that. If you hadn’t contacted the police and told him he would have let you worry. He must have seen your other messages and enjoyed the distress he knew you were in. Remember he still blames you in his twisted world x
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Oh he completely blames me, he is the victim in this. As do his family. I have never gone into the details of why I left with them because I don’t want to slate him like that to his own family, its not necessary. I have just said he wasn’t very nice to me and I couldn’t live with him anymore.
My outreach worker said to have no contact and if he continues to send messages to block him. If he asks to see the children to say I don’t think it is safe for them at the moment and suggest he goes through court to arrange a safe way to see both of them (as then the cost is on him). Its all easy to say but I am back where I was before over the guilt of it all and feel like I am ruining his life bit by bit. I have taken everything good away and he really does have nothing. No job, no home, no friends, no normal family support, no wife who loved him, no children. It breaks my heart.
xx
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Long text from his close family member now saying he doesnāt understand it, arenāt married people meant to look after each other through good and bad, he stood by me, was a great father, Iām brutal for taking the children and I have broken their family.
I start my new job this week that Iāve been so excited about and now I feel absolutely broken by these past few days. I feel very fearful about how this will all end up. I feel horrible and like a little shadow who just wants to hide.
X
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He does not love you. He is an abuser. Nobody who loved you would put you through the hell you have been through. They use our caring nature to continue abuse. He is not your responsibility and he obviously does have family. Let them take care of him because he will destroy you if you allow him to. Your outreach worker is spot on. She should know. Please listen to her. If he was any sort of decent person you wouldn’t be in this position. If he truly cares for his children he will do the right thing. I always remember a saying ‘abusers only want to get close enough to slap us again’. Your distress and pain is his fuel x
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But he acts like itās all his distress and pain and I am fine. I canāt tell you how uncomfortable and horrible I feel today, like a tidal wave of guilt and self doubt all over again is about to engulf me. What if he isnāt this (detail removed by moderator) person who I feel was abusing and I have just totally ruined someoneās life for just being not always very nice. Why is it so confusing and why can I not see anything clearly. How can I feel okay about what Iāve done if Iām still not certain about what he is or what heās done or that he is aware of how he has been. I bet there are things Iāve been remembering that donāt even figure on his radar and yet Iām saying psychological abuse because Iāve educated myself. But maybe Iāve educated myself so much Iām seeing things that didnāt even happen. I feel all over the place all over again. Itās so draining. And yet marriages break down all the time. But I am being totally vilified and destroyed.
š
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Start at the beginning and write down all the abuse you remember and how it made you feel. Remember the FOG. The Fear Obligation and Guilt. It’s not you, it’s him. Give yourself a complete break from any contact with him and his family and the fog will clear x think of all the chances you’ve given him. I would walk through the fires of hell to see my children. Where is his effort?
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Thatās helpful. Iāve listened to FOG things on YouTube all morning. It helps.
I feel overwhelmed with anxiety over the guilt this week. Iāve got to feel better for tomorrow.
I feel so awful that I have indeed taken his children from his life and he probably wonāt bother to have much to do with them so he will have children in the world that he loves but wonāt see grow up. Because I took them. Him and his family make me feel like I shouldāve stayed whatever was going on.
Ugh. When does it end.
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You are not taking his children, you are protecting yours x he’s had every opportunity to get in place some sort of legal access and stick to it. Sadly his children and not his priority and never will be. You cannot change him. His only priority is himself. It’s so hard to comprehend because we just wouldn’t ever behave that way and we can’t understand how another person could. Please believe they are just evil. Plain and simple and he will destroy you if you give him the chance. Hang in there. It will get easier if you can go zero contact with him and his family and move on with your plans for the future. You can read other posts on here of these abusers who dip in and out of our lives and cause chaos and havoc leaving a trail of distress and pain. Hang in there x
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Thank you. I’m slowly getting there I think. This whole event and its accompanying contact with him and his family members has been hugely destructive for me when I do everything I can to heal and recover for our children and for me. I think you are right, I find it really difficult to comprehend it all and how they really are or think or they why and what of everything. The children (child) will not be going again unsupervised and I will work towards no contact. How do I literally manage that with him when we do have children?
x
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You take the advice of your outreach worker and tell him to go through legal channels for contact. I recently got to see my notes from my outreach worker several years ago when I first went there. I was a different woman all together. I was making totally irrational decisions. Going against advice. Please take the advice you’re given. She sees abusers and their tactics and the consequences all the time. She really does know best x
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Okay, thank you.
I have now had a very long, very heartfelt, very well written, carefully worded, outpouring of thoughts and emotions and insight into why he behaves like he does or words to that effect, almost an apology from someone who can’t and never does apologise. But also still saying that from his perspective I have everything I wanted and am surrounded by family and friends, he has nothing and his life is all over the place. So the insinuation is still I planned it all along, I am fine, he is the victim and I am the bad one. (Detail removed by moderator). The whole thing is so sad and I could just cry for him, for us, for our children, for the family I hoped to have, for the man I hoped he might be one day and in sheer frustration that he simply doesn’t see things the way I do and he will always believe that I left as part of a master plan because I didn’t love him, I just used him to have children. I am working so hard to avoid thinking about him sat all alone having written me that email – that for once was sent in the day, sober, with no aggression or profanity – that my head hurts. My heart and stomach do too but that seems par for the course these days.
I hope I can hold it together tomorrow on my first day of what should be another new beginning in this whole unbelievably sad tale.
š x
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Iām so sorry Iāve missed all this. It sounds absolutely horrific and I totally empathise with you on how confusing and exhausted you must feel.
All the advice is right. You have done nothing wrong. You have left an abusive situation to keep yourself and your kids safe. I really donāt understand if these men do understand what they are doing or if they are just literally crazy but he will never agree, never take responsibility, never say āoh yes you were right to leaveā, and as you said never say sorry. I am struggling to come to terms with this concept myself so I know exactly where you are right now.
This is not like a normal break up and many people do not get that and unfortunately often women do not get the chance to spill everything that has happened and make people understand. But even if it was a normal break up you would have been quite within your rights to separate form someone if you were not happy, even if he was, so no blame is ever right. (Something Iām trying to remember for the people who donāt know why Iāve left)I think the contact should go through the courts now and it will take strength but you must put those children first and say to him itās not safe and he needs to go to court and get an arrangement, then you need to be honest with everyone who talks to you and make sure the access is safe for you all. The no contact thing is harder….I know what you should do as I know what I should do and everyone is telling me too. But I know I canāt and I canāt understand why?
Why do I still need this man whoās hurt me? Why can I not bear to hurt him by blocking him? When I donāt hear from him Iām happy, his messages bring dread and pain, so why canāt I stop them?
I too like you feel such overwhelming guilt. Imagining how sad and lonely I am and thinking of him completely alone is tearing me apart, I just hope I will get there.and I know you will too. Lots of support on here from some superstar women xxxxx -
Please do not believe a word he says. I got the sob story from my ex. The begging and him admitting ‘some of the responsibility’. The truth is in his actions not in his words. He has shown you the real, true him. All the while my ex was seeing someone else, out drinking and socialising while pleading his life was ruined. They are pathological liars. Please block all contact. All you will get is pain. It’s easy to sit a write emails. My ex could have been a writer for Mills And Boon. All bull. That’s the first lesson with abusers. Liars and manipulators. Yes, you can grieve for the relationship but so not take the responsibility for the end of it. Many couple move on and put their children first. Abusers will never do this. Concentrate on yourself and your new job. Well done you!
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I feel exactly like you Enofadov, maybe because they all follow such similar patterns, tactics, ways, traits, I donāt know, it really hurts my head and my heart and lately I simply havenāt had the head space because Iāve got so much else on that I donāt want to mess up because of this so I am in denial and avoidance in my head and literally. I mean, Iāve literally ignored the long heartfelt email I got. Ignored. And Iām the same, I struggle with the no contact because I donāt want to hurt him. But Iām at the point where I also am at a loss as to what to say and I donāt have the emotional capacity right now so Iāve just blocked it all out. As best I can for now.
One thing I fear though (in amongst many) is that he could throw parental alienation at me. We currently have no arrangements, he has basically said he canāt deal with stuff right now, his life is all over the place, his message said I donāt want to see you and the kids will forget about me (and that is your plan *its not) and since the events of last weekend I do feel itās not safe so will have to direct him to court and contact centres when he comes to me about it whenever that might be. But Iām concerned because I used to talk about Daddy, keep Daddyās things out to talk about (cars heād given them etc), I was upbeat if him or his family were mentioned and Iād say youāll see them soon and youāll have so much fun etc but as the attempt at co-parenting has deteriorated I have stopped going all this and Iām fearful Iām open to an allegation of parental alienation even though this is absolutely not what I am trying to do. I also donāt know what to do about updating him on their day to day lives, their childcare situation, their health. If he had dealt with things normally, differently, I would have been happy to send updates/photos ey. but then I think heās got every right to be upset and annoyed I left and then I think Iāve got every right to leave and his behaviour needed to change. And round and round I go. But no, less so now. I know it was the right thing to do. Itās just this guilt and doubt and not knowing what the right thing to do is by everyone concerned.
x
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