More messages tonight

If you feel intimidated can you stay with a friend or ask a friend to come over?
Don’t be worried about appearing silly.
(Detail removed by Moderator) I was visiting relatives abroad. My ex had left some important document in my house after he moved out.
He asked whether he could cut the window to get in. I said no. He insisted and said it would be very easy to do that and nobody would notice. I felt really anxious about this and texted my neighbours to keep an eye and report to me or police if they saw him going to do that.
My relatives told me I looked ridiculous asking my neighbours. My relatives told me to get real. He had lived in my house and no big deal if he went in through the garden and cut the windows to get in. They said me calling neighbours was pathetic and made me look hysterical.
When I went back to my home I apologised to the neighbours for involving then and said I felt really silly.
You know what? They said i wasn’t silly at all and they understood why I was so frightened. They said they’d have done the same.
Morale…people understand and help. Even if there is no concrete and imminent danger people understand. You are not silly to be worried. You are. This is all that matters. Therefore do ask for help. Friends will be happy to help. Go somewhere where you feel you can sleep serene xx

I think you should cut whatever contact method he is using to harass you. Block him/change your number/whatever it takes. You can also tell him straight that you do not want him to text/message you. If he continues you can get the police to issue a warning. He is intentionally ruining your weekends, and you need to do everything you can to take that power away from him.

Dear itwillbeok

So sorry to hear he has railroaded through your precious nights out. Can you set your phone to block his number? Advise him you will do this if he sends you one more text, and that you are apart now and do not expect to have any further convo with him?

That if he will not listen to your wishes you will contact the police as its harassment.

Please make sure you are safe though, above all.

He’s not going to go quietly I’m afraid.

You will need to gather your strengths and keep getting solid boundaries in place, something that’s new where’s he’s concerned!

Warmest wishes ts

Don’t state reasons – from his point of view this is the opening of a conversation, where he can force you into admitting you are wrong and taking him back. There needs to be no communication at all to get him to back down. Simply say that you have left, the relationship is over, and to stop contacting you. Then whatever contact he makes you ignore it. Don’t repeat the message. Don’t get involved in discussions.

Mine mostly stopped the bombardment after a couple of days of radio silence, although I got sporadic messages for several months until I changed all my contact details. Other people’s abusers are more persistent though. If not replying doesn’t improve things then you can take it to the police and get them to caution him, as what he is doing is harassment. If you have dozens, or hundreds of messages from him with no reply it will show that you were serious in your desire for no contact. And any reply you make can make the contact look more like an argument than harassment. I would also pass the message straight to the police if he threatens suicide again.

Hope this helps. Sorry, it’s an awful situation to be in, but as far as I know this is the only effective way to handle it. Good luck. It’s tough not to reply and defend yourself at first, but it gets easier.

Can you go no contact? Changing your number best option as can use other ways to ring you.

It’s harrassment what he’s doing to you.

You could report this to 101.

This isn’t going to stop until you make it stop. One more text saying you do not believe he is safe to be around you or your children and any further contact will be viewed as harassment unless it is from a solicitor regarding child contact, and you will involve the police if he continues to contact you or turns up at your home. You must be prepared to see this through x

Send one email, or text, but something written that you can send to police.

If he needs help, lets face it, he can get that can’t he, but hes choosing to use this ‘poor him’ to emotionally blackmail you. He will do I to the children too, so you have been incredibly strong to do that, and notice how he isnt bothered about them, but if you feed him that information he will use it against you.

It’s time to tell the police and let them know e nowknows your new address and is planning on turnig up uninvited and unwanted.

As for the ring, I dont know but I don’t think you have to pay back all gifts he ever gave you, and you need maintenance money. I guess if he sets up regular payments/standing order proof then then you wouldnt have to sell it if he is actually that desperateto have it, but he’s not,its an excuse, any excuse to be involved with you.

Warmest wishes ts

I tried texting only contact me about or child. It didn’t work. He threatened to come to where I was if I didn’t meet him. They will try anything while contact is there. The main thing is zero contact. Change your number too x

He knows absolutely why you left but he just ignores the real reasons and rewrites history to suit himself x

The text might not be enough.
Report him if he doesn’t stop.
Consider a non molestation order. It’s bit concerning that’s he’s doing it.

If any make you feel in danger ring 999

Tell everything to the police.

Tell them your concerns and his refusal to accept your decision and going to come round.
His behaviour towards the children.

If he wasn’t abusive h would have already realised you don’t want t see him aggain.

So long as you have made it clear in text he’s not to come or to text again, then if he does tel the police again.

One thing at a time, get this messaging situation sorted first.

Then think about next steps, like divorce.
Solicitor, or contact centre for contact. You shouldn’t have to bear the cost as hesthe one being abusive and you are trying to protect

Warmest wishes ts

It’s not about the ring. The ring is just and excuse for contact. He’s trying to hook you in again. To get you to contact him. Time to ring 101 and speak to the police x

‘life is good for us now’. He cannot stand that you’ve moved on and yes he will try to sabotage any success and happiness you have. For many years he’s treated you badly and you have put up with it. I think in his mind he still thinks you will simply allow things to carry on the way he wants because of his threats and bullying and manipulation. It’s worked for him in the past. I think it’s a real shock to their system when we eventually call them out on their behaviour. I once read that it’s not their anger they have a problem with, it’s ours. You’ve been more than reasonable. You would not tolerate anyone else treating you this way. I know zero contact is hard on you but it really does get easier the more you can keep it up. Concentrate on you and the kids. Let him go down the legal route for access but he’s already shown his true colours. You’re going to have to be mum and dad. But that’s ok. You are more than capable and without someone trying to drag you down and destabilise you, you will thrive x

Just wanted to send a message of support for you itwllbeokay. You are doing so well with new life and job and so on. It is really tough enforcing boundaries at first. Some would say always tough – the times when I’ve let mine slip way after we divorced, every time I did, I got caught out and upset and thrown off balance.

I feel the trick is to draw breath, if you can, do something nice for yourself, remember you are together with kids. Divorce is never an easy thing but well done for posting on here, I’m sure all ladies would including myself do what we can to offer moral support and practical tips to get your through. You are not on your own – we are thinking of you.
all best
ftc
x

Well done. I was reading down the thread and thinking that you should be involving the police. So glad you have. Just keep blanking him, and maybe block his number so he can’t keep sending you messages.

You can do this. You are out. You have a new job. You called the police. You are incredibly strong. You are doing all the right things. It might be worth getting a new phone number so he can’t harass you as easily, although blocking him might be enough to begin with.

You can do this. Try to scribble some notes before you go and ask your outreach worker to go with you. Emphasise the fact that you are scared and fearful for your safety and that he is unsafe, unstable and a threat to you and your children. He’s already threatened suicide and harassed you. Keep saying how scared you are and that it’s affecting your mental health too (get this noted with GP). I managed and I was a total wreck after decades with him and he was involved with the law in his job but you need to take all the help and support and let the agencies do their job. The police may do a risk assessment. They may ask questions like has he hurt animals, does he make you do things you dont want to do etc. Do not cover up for him. Be honest and don’t minimise. A high risk assessment will mean a higher response x

It is fine to keep ignoring him until you have the solicitor sorted and can send that message. I do wonder though if you could get the solicitor to send him the message – presumably you have his address. Which would mean that you could block him immediately? Rather than waiting anxiously to send your next text? Just a thought. You are doing incredibly well. Especially in finding out exactly what your next steps are. That level of organisation when you are under your current level of stress and anxiety is frankly inspirational. I hope you are acknowledging to yourself just how much you are achieving!

Good luck with the solicitor. So glad you are enjoying your new job too. Absolutely don’t let him sabotage it!

Please don’t put off sending the text. The police have given you good advice and how wonderful a direct mobile number too. Don’t forget 999 initially if you are in fear. I had a great therapy session this week where I told her I was terrified of ringing my solicitor (regarding ex). She told me to ring her right now in the session. I told her she was asking me to harm myself. Like sticking a knife in my leg. She said, no, I’m asking you to pull that knife out your leg by ringing! What a great way to look at it. The pain and anxiety will stay with you until you text. Until you Pull that knife out x

I know how exhausting this is for you. Can you buy a SIM card for your phone and Use that number for yourself and Just keep the old sim that he has the number for. Or a cheap mobile. That way you have control over who calls you. You can put his sim in when you’re ready to contact him. A non harassment order or civil interdict is a term used in a different country. The equivalent to a non molestation order (English) I believe. You’ve been given good advice from the police. Please take it. It’s the anxiety of not knowing that keeps us in a state of anxiety. Can you get a friend to send the txt for you and change the number. You do not have to wait for him to once again contact you. You can send the message then use the new number. I was terrified to block him too so I began blocking his number for a few hours. Then a day. They three days. Build up to it x

Mr Reasonable only appears when he gets what he wants and that is not going to happen this time. I’m not giving legal advice but a legal separation date is important because anything after that date he can’t claim on you financially. So when you see your solicitor make sure you emphasise you separated the day you left. Months ago. You can always corroborate that date. I’d send the message as soon as you are able. Send it with a friend or family member for support then take the sim out. You can do this. You can take control. Remember to keep all evidence x

Please please do not feel guilt. That’s an abuser tool. Try to look at is as you are protecting your children. He can easily go down the correct channels if he wants contact. The trouble is he’d rather abuse you than sort out meaningful contact. He is not your responsibility. I’ve been where you are. You’re still stuck in the fog. Just read the problems other women on here are having after allowing contact. I have never read a happy story about children having contact with an abuser. It’s not mean, believe me it’s survival and self protection x

Same…
Warmest wishes ts

It occurs to me that actually it is him who has to organise the legal route to seeing the children, not you. So you can just block him/get a new phone and it is up to him to go through a solicitor to see your kids. Obviously I would go to your solicitor and get message sent that you want contact done through a contact centre, but in the meantime you don’t have any obligation to keep routes of contact open to discuss his access to your kids. You would if he was reasonable, but he has proved he is not, so you are perfectly justified in just going 100% no contact except through the solicitor.

It takes a long time to come to terms with what’s happened and accepting it is the last part of that process. Its a bit like grieving. Its when you look around and see happy couples/families and you think why did this have to go wrong for me/us? Its such a mixture of emotions. Guilty feelings are natural but this not working out the way you planned definitely is not your fault xx

Hi there

I’ve skimmed through the messages…I’d just like to add PLEASE don’t feel bad about changing your mobile number and making your ex have to contact you through the proper channels….it is totally the right thing to do. Your ex partner is and has been abusive, that is why you have left him and by changing your number you are stopping him upsetting you further. And you are protecting your children too. Remember you need to be healthy – mind and body to look after your children.

I wish I’d changed my number much sooner. He kept sending threatening messages and angry calls. I would reply. Thinking I could calm things. I never realised I had rights, a right to leave, rights not to be abused by text msgs and angry calls. I wouldn’t have allowed any one else to treat me like that. I thought I was being a good mother keeping contact open….because of our children.

The abuser knows that and they use that to continue control….x*x

So agree with everything above. Regret so much that I suffered greater harm and exposed my children to further abuse as a result of not realising his abusive tactics, and it taking so long to understand he was a bad father; I feel sick at how hard I tried to foster good relations between them because I wasn’t aware of who he really is. How he knew what he was doing and didn’t care about the harm and risk he posedto the children’s safety and well-being
He could have broken their necks shaking them like he did, or permanent brain damage, life-long PTSD, lots of harm.

He has though, shown you who he is, and please cast aside any guilt in the pursuit of protecting you all.

Warmest wishes ts