He says he’ll get help

My ex had ‘therapy’. I think actually it was ego massage for n*********s. It made him worse than ever then maybe the therapist clicked and he said she was rubbish. These (usually) men do not improve. Again my ex was refused ‘better dad’ support because he was in total denial of the abuse.

It is very rare that abusers change. They normally need a personality transplant, and lobotomies are generally no longer used because of unexpected consequences.

I also endured years of couples therapy which was a total waste of time. It provided him with information to beat me with. (mentally)

If you can get out, please do. Please make contact with WA and start getting real life support. Please do not believe him. It is a cycle, and perhaps the counselling will make him appear better for a bit.

He’s buying time. My OH said we should go to marriage guidance, always felt he was and I was right,he was hiding thousands of pounds and its still the separation is being dragged out, there is always an alternative motive. Trust your gut.

He’s not going to change. Mine suggested the same. If he does not know how to behave by now then no amount of counselling is going to help. Have you read ‘Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven. It’s all part of the cycle of abuse.

My oh refuses to go to councelling , to speak to anyone, he doesn’t have a problem. He says I can go if i want to, but it takes two to fix a problem and if one won’t admit there’s one, then how can anything be fixed. There’s very little evidence that these men who go to these meetings actually change. And if they do go, as part of the course, the people taking the course, the coordinators have to interact with you, to make sure you’re safe, he’s not still abusing you yet fooling them.
IWMB 💕💕

Mine went towards the end. As other posters said, buying time. He tried to use it to prove I was the one with problems. In the end I left. He had no interest in changing, as his behaviour allowed him to get his own way most of the time. From what I have read about therapy for men trying to change their behaviour, it is very much stressed that it is something they have to do for themselves, and they have to accept that their partners may still wish to leave and that their changed behaviour does not entitle them to another chance. It also doesn’t entitle them to pursue exes as “changed men”. Honestly, I do not think most abusers would ever accept that – that changing does not entitle them to anything – because they feel entitled to so very much, especially from the victims of their abuse. It involves admitting things were their fault, something my abuser could never admit. Mine used his therapy to guilt trip me for my lack of support and claimed his therapist thought I was the one with problems. I wouldn’t wait to find out if he changes. I would just get out.

My oh has suggested Relate. I think that’s so he can suggest I’m partly to blame. That said, he’s stopped drinking after detox and is getting help for his aggressive behaviour. But as he can switch h that off when it suits him, I think he’s fully in control of his behaviour.

Relate is fine for normal relationship breakdown, but unless the counsellor knows about domestic abuse, the subtleties and nuances are lost on them, (detail removed by Moderator)let them know why snd get individual appointment to behind with. Call his bluff, book an appointment and see what he says or does. Stopping drinking is good for him(and you to) getting help with aggressive behaviour, it’s good to, but can he fo told it when he had to? I’m not so sure. Is he aggressive to other people and circumstances, road rage, getting held up in queues, my oh is very aggressive but doesn’t lose it with other people, though so long as his job is not in jeopardy, he’d batter someone without a second thought, tells me often enough what he’s going to do to others but doesn’t, though I don’t for a minute doubt he’s capable of it. He shot one of my dogs(says his (detail removed by Moderator) did it, as he’s got a gun) but if he had one he’d have done it. All to save a vets bill😥💔
Keep posting, you’re doing so well
IWMB 💕💕

Nope they do not change. In my experience anyway. We went to couples counselling and he even manipulated the counseller. All the blame was put onto me and he ended up abusing further because I apparently lied to the counsellor. Counselling doesn’t get to root problem of these men it just helps with the surface problems.
We only had a handful of sessions and it made me feel awful and coincidentally he then used the counselling sessions (detail removed by Moderator) try make me out I’m p****o.
Obviously if he is truely willing to change then let him but please have an open mind about it

It’s very rare for them to change. Mine went for a whole year every week and it was months and months before he began to understand what he needed to change and why.

I had a one-to-one session with the team and regular phone calls to see how I was perceiving his progress, if any.

He has changed and I now feel safe, but the controlling behaviour still crops up in odd new places. It can be exhausting. He tells everyone about the ‘mindfulness’ course he went on. I told him that’s OK for others who don’t know us well, but not to call it that when he talks to me!

From time to time he suggests that I need the course and I have to look him square in the eye and remind him why he needed it and I didn’t and don’t.

I know he feels hard done by but somewhere, too, he knows he’s b****y lucky I stuck around!

I totally understand the confusion … As time goes on the bad times will far outweigh any good times… My oh has had some therapy after I nearly left him (detail removed by moderator), and went to his Dr to get anti depressants… The abuse quite frankly has just got worse, no violence but emotional and financially… I discovered after many ys together that he has drug addiction issues as well as something wrong with his psyche but I don’t think it’s depression like he says it is.

I too used to be confused, so many times ovwr the years I pondered leaving and I wish now I had the strength to leave so so long ago .. the effects it has now had on me are awful, I am on anti depressants myself, gained a lot of weight and lost any joy in life, and Ive left it so late that now my parents are elderly and need a lot of support themselves whereas a few years ago they were still able to support me emotionally and practically.

So I do deeply regret not listening to my gut sooner.

I found. What has helped this year is keeping a journal. So when I start to have doubts about leaving I just read that and just know i have to leave.

Also a journal will help you spot patterns of the abuse and games he plays

Be very aware that they sense when they push you too far and might leave, they will then be very nice and lul you back into false sense of security and it is when things are nice and calm , our own minds trick us into thinking actually things were never really that bad … At these times again the journal will help to remind you none of the abuse is imagined

Since we split up I have reread text messages that he sent me. Wow what an eye opener! All
Of them I was being nice, telling him I loved him etc. His were all horrid, demanding, twisted versions of his own truths. Unbelievable how I can read the texts now and see them for what they were now my blinkers have come off. At the time I must have been reading the texts and thinking he needs reassurance, support, help from me.

Have you read about the cycle of abuse. Please contact your local women aid. Don’t waste any more of your precious life x

Hi HvH, many of us, even though he hurts us beyond belief, we still don’t want to be responsible for causing him hurt. That’s because we are nicer and kinder human beings, if they can hurt us verbally, emotionally,psychologically,physically, financially and sexually, then we should not worry about walking away from them, but we do. Look up trauma bonding, it explains so much more.
IWMB 💕💕