- This topic has 13 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 3 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Its absolutely heartbreaking trying to separate. I love him so much but just want him to change. To stop the emotional abuse. He’s not wanting to split. I’m not sure if it’s just because I’m use to having him here. I looked at a few houses this week and decided it was too much for me to deal with. The splitting and having to find a new home for me and kids. Its late at night and my children are still awake even with school and nursery in the morning. I’m just crying laid in bed next to them. He is downstairs watching tv and all I want is for him to cuddle me and tell me everything will be ok. Iv told friends and family about the split so feel I can’t go back. I realise I don’t really have many friends so without him who do I have. It hurts so much.
-
-
It’s such a difficult time. Well done for recognising the abuse. I first made contact with Women’s Aid long before I finally had the courage to tell my ex I wanted a divorce. His abuse became far worse in the meantime. You are absolutely not alone in this horrible moment. Please try and get as much real life support as you can muster. Don’t go through it alone. It can feel bitterly lonely as so many friends and family do not and probably can’t understand domestic abuse.
-
Hello. I feel very tired right now so I struggle to write properly, but I just had to write a response to you. I can feel your pain. It is hard to make that right decision when you have all those feelings. But the thing is as much as you want that, he will not change. There is nothing a woman can do to change an abusive man. She can try to change all she wants about herself, but it is him who needs to do the job. Have you read a book Why does he do that? there is a section how to tell whether abusive man is changing. Whenever I needed a reminder to an answer if he can change (especially when he was saying that he is changing) that chapter would put me back to reality. I think it is much harder with emotional abuse to prove to the man that he is wrong.
The trauma bond is so strong. But you CAN fall out of love. I loved my ex and I used to think that despite all that mistreatment and abuse I will never stop loving him. I used to think I would never be able to leave him (and I did go back to him quite a few times). Until I left for good. And now I love myself.
You have your kids. So you are NOT on your own. And they suffer from Dad abusing Mum too. Because they witness everything. And if you have at least one good friend, that is actually a lot. You don’t need the crowd.
And I know how much you want a cuddle from him. But the reason you need that cuddle is because he put you in this situation and it is his fault you feel like that. Therefore he cannot give you that comfort.
Hugs to you xx -
Hi thank you for your responses. They really do help. I’m exhausted today. I suppose trying to live together amicably isn’t helping with the pain and hurt i feel. Housing benefit aren’t helping as I have a bit of a complicated application they will not tell me if I’m eligible until I submit 1. I have to find a property, go through credit checks and get chosen by a landlord prior. This is hard as agencies charge fees. And then I may be told I’m not eligible. It’s so frustrating.
-
I’m seven days free so for me it’s still very raw. His bail conditions are that he can’t contact me, which is just as well because I feel I’d crumble in a minute. All i can say to you is that for the first time in forever, I feel peace and a tiny bit of optimism. And I can be at home without wondering when the next row is going to break out or when he’ll next threaten or hit me. Be strong. You can do it. Post on here as often as you need to. People will help. It’s what gave me the strength to press charges this time. My heart is absolutely broken. I still love him, but I just couldn’t go on living like that any more.
-
I can’t begin to imagine how anyone feels eho syill love theur partners. I am no longer in love with mine, I feel nothing for him, and yet I still can’t leave eirher. It is hearbreaking. I’ve also just read the verbally abusive relationship by pat craven. I had so many sit up, jaw dropping moments reading it. yet I still fancy leave. I’m terrified of not managing financially, so scarred its rough to keep me here. Yet, it’s my money that pays fir everything bar the mortgage!!go figure
IWMB 💕💕
-
Iwantmeback you need to make a plan and stay strong. It is hard and you will have good and bad days. Surprisingly my kids are not too traumatised by the events that are about to happen. To be fair I thought I felt nothing for my husband until Iv started to crave his affection or maybe it’s because I cant have it now Iv made the decision. I’m having a good day today. Council confirmed what I thought so I will be staying put and asking him to find elsewhere. After all why should I leave, he’s caused this. As well as the abuse he spends hardly anytime with the kids and our last meal out together was about a year ago. We go, we eat and we leave straight away- no socialising. It’s pretty boring. On his days off he’d rather get a takeaway. We watched tv on separate sofas. I’ve cleaned the house, read with the kids, settled them to bed. Things will be ok in the end.
-
Hi, ending a relationship orsoon afteris the most dangerous time. If you have the legal right to remain in the home I would change the locksand move his belongings to family/friends. If you ask him to leave he won’t, and he will have time to make things very difficult. Engage with women’s aid and the local domestic abuse police officers. Plan asafe exit x
-
Hi thanks, although I actually think he may just leave once he finds somewhere to go. Well atleast I hope so. I will bear in mind what you are saying. I think there’s a sense of relief once you have made a decision. He says he wants to be friends so only time will tell. Although knowing that he doesn’t really have any friends or family that bother with him, there’s an obvious reason as to why.
-
I hear what you’re saying, I’ve got kinda lost I think. I dont want to do this but at the same time I know he’ll NEVER change back to the man I fell in love with. I talk to the ladies on here, I give all the right advice that I want to hear as well, I honestly think it’s because he’s been a lot calmer for so long that it’s not a priority now. I’m not scared enough anymore. I know Im doing the right things getting my ducks in a row so to speak, I don’t love him, I can hardly have a conversation with him,we both sit on separate couches too, I’m trying not to let the past define me but it is. I guess I’d prefer to just disappear and start again somewhere but that’s so cr..y to think like that. It’s not that im in a movie and need witness protection, but that’s how i feel, like i need to go so far away so he can’t talk me into staying. Do a Reggie Perrin (for those old enough to know who that is)
Back to baby steps I suppose 🙄
💕💕 -
Iwantmeback, Iv realised that by having this chat with others in the same position is helping. It’s crazy what advice we give to each other, knowing exactly what we should but don’t take our own advice. It took my husband to tell be he was leaving for me to say good, when he actually didn’t mean it. I then I continued to say that’s actually what I want to happen. Maybe I was wrong to moan at him everyday but everything about him started to annoy me. The not cleaning up after himself, or washing his own plate but not the other items in the sink. His smoking and leaving cigarettes for me to clean up. Atleast I told him how I felt
-
That’s it, I’m never listened to, everything I do is rubbish, stupid etc, the same as every other lady on here. You have been so courageous,. my oh never says he’s leaving, he’s never gave me that opening. It’s always, there’s the door, leave if you dont like it, or I’ve been put out of better places than this. But never I’m going. He has said, don’t you love me anymore, if you want, I’ll go, but he’s never taken responsibility to actually leave. I guess I’ll need to be the one who does it. He did come in a few months back and ever so quietly bring into the conversation, that he’d been to see a flat(he was late in) as i had no intention of leaving, he’d have to. guess what, it was brought up, and he denied even saying it.
💕💕 -
Iwantmeback I often find that if I can tell him we’re finished without crying he takes me more seriously. In some ways he isn’t that bad as he says he wants me to be happy. I think he would start getting angry when I meet someone else though. It could just be another manipulation. Iv told him straight out he’s emotionally abusive and him some way he agreed he was in the wrong but told me I’m also in the wrong. I never know if I can believe anything he says as he tells too many lies. I found a letter today that I wrote to him but never gave 3 years ago. It reiterated that I am foing the right thing. The issues I have now are the same I had then. Hope you are feeling ok. Keep your head up.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
