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So it’s (detail removed by moderator) since he left his reason to leave was so her could get his head sorted the it changed to oh He can’t come back cause he’s done irreparable damage. He still only see the kids if they happen to still be in his parents house when he finishes work. He’s back living there. He rings me every day to ask me what doing or where at someontimes I don’t answer and then that’s when he rings our daughter to ask where I’m at or why I’m not answering the phone. He never rings them just tonask how they
are! I feel guilt I feel sadness lonely could we work this out could we be happy together but he doesn’t seem to want to come back he’s not up here very day trying to help me or see the kids. Some evening he came get me out of his mums house quick enough and I knows if so he can head out….. but yet he tells me he’s in bed every night at 9!!!
I just feel like I’m in limbo I can’t move on and I don’t want to go back! -
I’m sorry to say this but it sounds like he has someone else and is keeping you hanging on in case this new relationship does t work out. He wants to keep control of you, but also wants to cause you pain. The best thing for you would be to speak to a solicitor and get a contact order in place for him to see the children. Take back the power and control. As soon as you block him, delete him and refuse contact he show his true colours. I know it’s painful but it’s his uncaring selfish behaviour that’s keeping you in pain. Abusers don’t change, it just gets worse. Show him you’re making the decision to move on with your life but be careful as he sounds very controlling. Seek out support from your local women’s aid too. And keep posting for support and validation x
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Thank you
I do wonder if he does have someone else. His mum told me he does go out mostnoght for 1-2hours and I should move in with my life. I know he left me and it was his choice but I still worry about him…I worry that he thinks 6 months away and everything will be fine. He won’t come up and move his stuff or take his belongings and I worry that’s because he does believe he can walk back in anytime he wants. I want to say to him come get your stuff but then I worry how he’ll react. I just feel like a prisoner in my own life ….I work full time and I don’t have family near me to help me out so I rely totally on his family. I used to go to gym and I can’t fo that anymore because it means I’d have to ask his family or him to take the kids and I know he’ll see that as me needing. Him and yet another way to have control over what I do and when I do it! Last weekend when I went to see my family and obviously took my kids with me he rang me to say that I shouldn’t take them anywhere just go visit my brothers sisters and then go back to my mums to relax and not to go to the nearby city as it was too ling a drive…he told the kids when I wasn’t there that it’s a 2 hour drive when really it’s only 40 mins.
I know I will have to say to him and take back control but I’m worried he’ll make things difficult for me and the kids x-
Hi there and welcome to the forum. It’s very telling that his mum is saying you should just move on. Reading as an outsider it looks like she knows more than she’s saying. It definately looks as if he’s keeping you hanging while he sets up a new life for himself. I agree with returning his things to his mum’s using the excuse that you thought he’d need it plus it stops him coming to yours. Have you changed your locks yet. Since he’s moved out he shouldn’t be able to just let himself back in. Definately seek financial advice, your local WA could help organise this and help getting contact with the children sorted. As to his contacting you daily, he has no reason to do so. It’s vindictive and spiteful. You could get a cheap PAYG SIM and let him contact on that number only. That way you can block him on your own phone. Plus it is a way to monitor how often he calls and save texts. This can be evidence he’s harassing you and will help get a non molestation order against him🧡 if he sends abusive texts don’t get into it with him as the police will see you being as bad as him and not that you’re afraid of him or wanting the relationship to end.
Don’t feel guilty about any of this, this is his guilt not yours.💚 had anyone spoken to you about the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt), it helps to clear up a lot of why we feel and think the way we do.
You’re not overreacting, this is your gut reaction telling you that somethings not right. If he’s choosing to not spend time with his children that’s very telling but know that he’ll be going for father of the year once you start to say when he can see them. He’s still feeling in control of this relationship, acting like the puppet master. Time to cut those strings my friend and dance free of him and to your own tune 😊
IWMB 💕💕
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You are right to worry he will make things difficult. That’s where you know it’s been an abusive relationship. Slowly, behind the scenes, make a new life for yourself. Block his number so he cannot contact you. Tell him when his access to the children is. Make it formal. That will go in your favour if he decides to escalate things. Educate yourself on the dynamics of abuse. He’s trying to isolate you from your family, trying, even now to control your movements. You have the right to choose who you allow in your life and that includes the father of your children. Women’s aid are a great source of support. They have information about housing and rights for Women offer free legal advice over the phone. Asking him to look after the childnre is not needing him. It’s what people do when they separate. They share child care. By heaping it all on you, he’s restricting your life, preventing you from creating a new good life for yourself. Self care is really important and I’ve only recently discovered the benefits of excercise. The endorphins you get. It’s really important that you make time for yourself. Even if it means taking some annual leave or asking for some sick leave if you have a good understanding boss. Don’t be afraid to reach out and ask others for help. Perhaps family could come and stay with you for a while. Speak out about what’s been happening. Get a good support network around you. No doubt you’ve been isolated so rebuilt that support network x
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Hi. KIP’s already given you the best advice. Wanted to add my support to that, and to you. Your instinct is right, he’s abusive.
He should be taking a share of looking after the children. You should feel absolutely no guilt about taking time for yourself, he should be wanting a share of time with them.
Can you take a bag or two of his things to his parents when you go there? Little by little, telling him you thought he’d need them if he says anything? -
Thank you all
Today again he rings as if he wants to know how he kids are but ask where I’m at what I’m doing. I said I’m in the house and three kids are playing and then he hangs up. He then rang again and I didn’t answer cause I was in the shops getting stuff for kids lunches. So he rings my daughter and then me again. I tel him I’m in the shop and said why where are you?! He’s finished work and buying himself drink! So he’s not rushing to see his kids in his afternoon off. I’m so cross, I feel like I’m overreacting and maybe he’s just wanting to know how we are but I feel like he’s checking up on me!!!
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Time to make a schedule for him to see the children and see if he sticks to it. Tell him children need routine. In between child access ask him not to contact you. That will prove to you if he’s interested in his children or not. Abusers are often cheaters and when they cheat they suspect us of cheating. He’s definitely checking up on you. Block his number when you want some peace and quiet. I remember my ex telling me that if I would just tell him where I was going then he wouldn’t have to keep asking our son ‘where’s mum’. It’s controlling behaviour and I suspect you’ve experienced this from him for a very long time. Take back control or he will mess with you and your children for the rest of your lives x
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He’s always done this to me and before I thought it was him just being interested and protective when really it’s controlling. When. You look back at the times when he would tell me not to do things with the kids , not to take them places just let the chill st home. He wanted to know where I was at all times but if I’m in work he doesn’t ring cause he knows I’m there. I look back over our (detail removed by moderator) together and I’ve very few
Moments where he’s been with us together as he always had things to do or work…he says he works to provide for us so we can’t have things! But I work too and the only time we’ve been away is in the last 2 years for 4 days maximum! Through the years when the children were smaller I used to spend the holidays going to parks or free local
Activities so they would have interesting things to do during their summer break. We’ve never been out as a couple together but yet he meets his mates on regular occasions and used to go drinking every week.
I’m annoued at myself for not realising a lot sooner that this wasn’t right. -
Please don’t be annoyed that you didn’t work it out sooner. When I was with the council trying to get out, I got one of those ‘where are you?’ calls. I thought it was normal, but thankfully the council lady recognised it for what it was.
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Good advice from ladies,
Just to add – my experience was that going no contact (or low-contact for us ladies who have kids with perpetrators) – can feel mechanical at first, a bit like riding a bike…for the first time…Once you practice though, it does get easier, and you will start feeling less drained when you have blocks and boudnaries in place that he cant cross.
all best
ftc
x
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