Seeing a tunnel at the end of all of these lights….

hi landy, the thing is you have so much kindness in your heart you dont wish desperate circumstances on anyone.but he has brought himself to this point 🙁 and he isnt your responsibility and he never has been. i dont think he will ever have a turn around as far as his attitude is concerned. this is a sad fact but you have to put your own feelings and yourself first now in order to heal xx stay strong much love diymum xx

Hi Landy,

It’s good you know you couldn’t handle having him back with you at your place. The light will come back on, it’s just the usual “always putting him first” and the “what if” reactions that are at work here I think, when the truth is this is not your responsibility to fix. Perhaps his mother got enough of the way he is, too. Perhaps this was just karma at work. And it would be wonderful if this is what he needed to sort himself out, but whether it is or not is up to him and up to him alone.

It’s not easy to turn away from someone who might be in need, but just like there are organisations out there that can help us the victims, there are organisations out there for him too. Whether he calls them or not… is again his choice.

It speaks volumes about how deeply you love and care that this news is painful for you. These are wonderful qualities to have, so hold on to that and only share that with those who deserve your affection.

Hi, this just shows you’re a compassionate human being. Exactly the type of person this man would exploit. Given the opportunity he would see you homeless and not give it a second thought. Please stop sharing custody of the dog. He can’t look after himself so please don’t give your precious pet to him, there is a proven link between domestic abuse and animal abuse. Don’t give him the opportunity to hurt you using your dog. I absolutely know how you feel becaus I went through that phase too. It will pass. Eventually you will wonder what you ever saw in this person, past the initial honeymoon period. The rest was a waste of time apart from the fact I now know what pure evil looks like. Keep going and save your emotions for yourself, you’ve still got some way to go. Allow yourself to grieve for the loss of the relationship you thought you would and should have. Then you have the rest of your life to live in peace x

Laugh away, Landy. Sometimes these mothers of these creatures really only learn by living with them – and then they don’t even experience the full abuse.

Even more accurate there 🙂

Hi Landy, your animals would have been stressed by his aggression and destructive behaviour. He may not have directly abused them but they feel and sense fear also. If the pets were around when he was smashing up the house and assaulting you. My poor dog was terrified. Your pets deserve your full loving attention without the distractions of abusive behaviour. I hope you’re enjoying them and they you 💕

Hi Landy, I’m also wondering why do you share custody of your pet with him…take this opportunity of him being homeless to take full ownership of your dog, kick him out of your life for good, this is your opportunity to get the upper hand, take it.
I think pets only have passports or id cards, get his name off it as co-owner. I don’t think you need his authorisation to do that, just go to your vet and put your name down on the documents.
Sending you strength for yourself and your dogs 🐕

Oh Landy,
Please don’t worry about feeling bad for him – it shows what a compassionate person you are. But at the same time please don’t dwell on it. His being kicked out of his mums is his issue and is something that he alone has caused. You are in no way to blame for this. If he uses this to mend his ways then fantastic, but if not then that is on him.
Hugs

TTMO x

Take her for yourself while he’s down.
Go to your vet and get only your name and address on your dogs documents as he hasn’t any address atm it’s the ideal time to rearrange ownership.
We did it with a neighbour of ours for her cat, she ( the cat) always came to us and stayed with us, this neighbour wasn’t very nice to her, we did ask her if it’s ok that we keep her she said she doesn’t care so we got our names down at the vet and we received official documents for the cat.
The cat was pregnant and gave birth to four little kitten in our house. 😌

She’s another link to him that you don’t need. Youre maybe not ready to face that yet but the best thing you can do is find her a good home. I wouldn’t be handing a pet over to an abuser. If you want to keep her then speak to the rspca for advice. Or drop her with his parents and let them decide. I know it’s painful but you need to protect yourself x my ex left his stuff at mine for years even though he was told it was in the shed. Then made out like I deliberately damaged it, it was mouldy. If it meant that much to him he would have sent someone round on day one. In fact he sent people round on (detail removed by moderator) separate occasions until I called the police n dumped the rest in the shed. They deliberately leave a connection to us to keep coming back. Have a think when you have some strength x

Hi Landy, I’m not trying to upset you but if she was a child I would fight through the courts to have his parental rights removed and ensure there was a non molestation order in place to protect us both. At the very least I would maybe have to accept supervised access. You’re doing brilliantly, it’s your decision and I had a dog for years that my ex abused so maybe I’m too affected by the subject. Of course it’s your decision and only you can make that choice.

Hi Landy, do you know for sure that his mum has thrown him out? I am just very suspicious these days and tend to question everything. It might be an attempt to put pressure on you by your ex and his mum. All the best in your struggle for freedom – try not to look back. X*X

Well done, Landy, for seeing it as is it. It’s incredible it has to come to this for him, but in some ways I don’t think he even realises now that he is and was the problem all along. But I’m glad you know he is.

Hi Landy just want to send words of support, you’re doing great, you see him for what he is and if only he’d own up and get help he needs things could have been so different. His treatment (if he ever gets any)may take years to undo whatever was done to him and at the end of it all, would you ever feel safe around him. I know If my oh saw someone, realised how much his childhood, peers,own beliefs are so skewed and have shaped him,I know it wouldn’t make me go back to him. That trust is gone and it would be great for him to be at peace but I’d never truly be there myself. You’re doing so well, it’s just s..t that no matter how much we loved them and would have done anything for them, it wasn’t good enough. Much love and big hugs
IWMB 💞💞

Landy, you have such amazing strength to be prepared to endure seeing him to share the dog. It’s admirable.

My ex is on the streets too, and I’m told, has refused to engage with any aid agencies. Some people from my area have seen him getting drunk in pubs in a local town with a crowd of people who are also homeless, and/or drug addicts. Apparently, he’s quite happy living that way he’s told them. I imagine it fits with his perpetual victim mentality to be able to say he’s on the streets.

He used to say he loved our dog too, however, when I was very ill and unable to go out to walk her for a long time, he wouldn’t walk her most days. He wouldn’t go to the vets to collect her treatments or take her to get her nails clipped, or have her vaccine boosters when I was working all hours to keep a roof over our heads because he’d lost his job. I feel he just loved the unconditional attention she gave him.
If she snapped at the cat or stole food from the table, or the bin he’d smack her way too hard, especially when he was drunk. Being most of the time. Sometimes he’d do it way, way later and I’d have to explain over and over again that by then she had no idea what he was punishing her for, and it was essentially just being cruel. He’d also withhold affection from her as a punishment pushing her off if she tried to get on his lap, refusing to look at her. Again, this would be long after the incident that caused it.
On the odd occasions he did take her, he wouldn’t take a lead, and she has NO road sense. I’d have people knocking to tell me that my dog was wandering alone on the road, or nearby somewhere, and it’d turn out he’d just been sat somewhere and let her go wandering away anywhere, not even caring to notice where she was.

If your ex was never cruel to the dog then you are doing a lovely thing to keep her safe and well, and allowing him to intrude on your healing by sharing her.